Chace Crawford Has An Umbrella Slave, Bulge

Wait a second… who let Chace Crawford out of Texas prison? We thought he was rotting away in jail for carrying the wacky tobbacky. Oh well, he apparently got out early on good behavior (or good looks) and is now back on the streets walking around and looking impossibly glamorous.
As you may know, Crawford’s hair is crafted out of a space-age fiber optic that short circuits if it ever gets wet. Which is why Crawford’s creators have hired him his very own spiffy manservant called “Schmitty.” Whenever it rains, they kick Schmitty awake in the broom closet where he sleeps and tell him to pull out the most fabulous rainbow umbrella that Chace owns so he can follow Chace around and keep him from getting even one single solitary raindrop on his otherwise perfect hair.
Meanwhile, Schmiity gets soaked and catches his weekly bout of pneumonia before being given a bowl of moldy gruel, a cold glass of dishwater to drink, and being made to dance around in a monkey mask to a hip-hop remix of Little Shirley Beans. It’s quite a degrading life, but humble Schmitty finds it worthwhile as long as he can walk next to “The Hair.”
Now where’s that sextape, Chace you big-dicked bastid, you? And when are you gonna get it on with Schmitty? We can’t wait forever, y’know?
For more celebrity bulges check out The Bulge Report and for naked male celebs, check out Cinemale and Male Celebrities.