I’m a 20-something gay guy living in America, and I’m struggling with the hookup culture and expectations around kinky sex. The thing is, I’m just not into that stuff – I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to my sexual preferences. I enjoy simple, straightforward intimacy without any BDSM, roleplaying, or fetish elements.
The problem arises when I go on dates or hook up with guys from apps. Even when I make it clear upfront that I’m only interested in vanilla sex, a lot of them seem to ignore my boundaries. They’ll try to coerce me into kinky acts I’m not comfortable with, or they’ll outright insist on things like anal sex even after I’ve said I’m not into that. It’s like they think they can change my mind or wear me down.
It’s really frustrating and makes me feel violated. I worry that if I continue being firm in my preferences, I’ll be seen as a prude or boring. But I don’t want to compromise my values or do things sexually that I’m not genuinely into, even if it means less hookup options. I just want to be able to have drama-free, consensual vanilla sex without this constant pressure to get kinky.
How can I navigate this better? Is there a way to filter for other vanilla-oriented guys on the apps? Or are there better places to meet potential partners who will respect my boundaries around sex? I’m starting to feel like I’m doing something wrong by just wanting to keep things simple in the bedroom. Any advice would be appreciated!
Sincerely,
Vanilla and Proud
Hi and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Sexual preference is a personal and relevant topic to raise, especially as it is important to set your boundaries and for your sexual partners to respect those. It is great that in your 20’s you’re happy and comfortable with vanilla sex – we always say there is no right or wrong to sexual expression between two consenting adults, as long as no harm is done and boundaries are respected. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give? Have you been in a similar situation, have you been coerced into a type of sex you don’t enjoy or didn’t intend to do but felt pressured by your sex partner? Please share your thoughts, advice and own experiences in the QComments section below!
For your consideration, and erotic temptation, this week’s entry for our NBOTW. He tick lots of boxes yeah? He’s in culinary school so he’ll fuck you silly and make you the best beignets you’ve ever tasted. Creme filled if you ask nicely.
I’m writing to you because I’m at a crossroads in my life and I’m not sure what to do. I’m 19, a student from a South American country so please excuse my English writing. I still live at home with my parents, who are very religious and as the eldest boy expected to marry a girl, for the family name have children. I’ve known for a long while that I’m gay, but I’ve kept this part of my identity hidden from my friends and family for fear of their reactions and the possible consequences.
I’ve recently started dating someone who is older than me. He’s been incredibly supportive and understanding, but keeping our relationship a secret is becoming increasingly difficult and painful. I long for the day when I can openly share my happiness with those I love, but the thought of coming out terrifies me, especially given my family’s religious beliefs and the cultural attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people in my community.
I’m torn between the desire to be true to myself and the fear of losing the support and love of my family and friends. I worry about the potential backlash, not only socially, but also in my own home. The thought of rejection or disappointment is overwhelming and I’m not sure I’m ready to face the possible consequences of coming out.
I guess what I’m looking for is guidance on how to approach this situation. How do I start having these conversations with my family and friends? Is there a way to gauge their possible reactions without coming out completely? And how can I prepare myself for the range of reactions I might receive?
I understand that coming out is a deeply personal decision and that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but any advice or insights you can offer would be greatly appreciated. I want to live openly and authentically, but I also don’t want to lose the relationships that are important to me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and to help with advice.
Yours FM (I’ve been a fan of Queerclick for the longest time thanksyou!)
Hi FM and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Coming Out is always a personal and interesting topic to raise, especially as it is important to stay safe in your own circumstances with your countries laws and families religious beliefs. While you are still living at home with your parents and siblings we understand this may be difficult, challenging and not always possible. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give FM? Please share your thoughts, advice and own experiences to help FM, in the QComments section below!
I’m fairly new to the gay scene an all, I’m 18 and still living at home and not out to my family. I’m in a small town in Kentucky with the nearest major city is an hour drive and so I’ve been using the dating apps to try to get to know guys and even meet up.
I recently had an experience on Grindr that left me feeling quite vulnerable and confused. I met someone who was really hot, a few years older than me and looked really sexy. He seemed sincere at first, but as we continued to chat, I started to feel that something wasn’t right. The pictures he sent were slightly blurry and he didn’t have an album of photos to share, which struck me as unusual.
When he asked for nudes, I suggested moving the conversation to Snapchat to verify his identity, a precaution I usually take. He agreed and added me, but when I asked for a live snap, he sent a picture that was identical to one he’d previously sent on Grindr. When I confronted him, he denied it was the same picture, but then he blocked me on Grindr. He continued to message me on Snapchat asking for nudes, but I blocked him there too.
I’ve heard of catfishing, where people use fake profiles to trick others, but I never thought it would happen to me. Is it a big problem on Grindr? I’ve learned that there are different types of catfishers: some use other people’s pictures to trick you into talking or meeting them, and others are scammers trying to get personal information or photos.
I’m feeling a mix of emotions – a bit dumb and embarrassed that I fell for it, angry that I was tricked, and worried that it might happen again. I’ve been reading the Advice columns here on QueerClick but couldn’t find anything on this topic. I’m gonna guess that there loads of the readers here that use the dating apps and could give me some advice. How can I spot a catfish in the future and what should I do to protect myself from this kind of situation?
Any advice you guys can give would be really appreciated.
Thanks,
Caleb
Hi Caleb and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.This is an interesting topic to raise, especially as it is important to stay safe when meeting and hooking up with other guys when using dating apps. Sadly we think it’s all too common for cat-fishers to be present but you’re right to make sure to verify who you’re talking too. Live video and other platforms/apps are a good way to verify if a person is real, but even then we would advise that you take caution when meeting up in person for the first time. Make sure it’s in a public place and somewhere you can exit quickly if you feel uncomfortable with the situation. And always let another friend know when and where you have arranged a meet up. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Caleb? Have any of you experienced this before, if you’ve been previously catfished, what precautions do you now take to avoid it happening again? If you have any ideas on how to help him with this issue then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
We would like to announce some changes and new developments at QueerClick.
At the end of this month, both Sticky and Guys With iPhones will be shutting down. After 15 years in their current format, both platforms have become less popular and with our readers asking for more interaction and live video, it is time for a change.
Our audience will be able to hang out on these new sites with guys online, couples, groups, live sex and private shows. The choice is amazing and we know you guys are going to love it!
When Sam Angel said he would like to stop by for a new shoot and asked if he could bring a friend, Ben got very excited.
Every time one of the mates brings a friend over to the BentleyRace studio, Ben gets excited. Sam sent him a couple of pictures and told him about Ethan Lake.
Ben felt it would be nice to meet this guy and thought he looked pretty cute.
Hello handsome! This stud spends lots of time in the gym and it shows, and he loves to show off, he’s gotten into some pretty crazy situations so we have to ask in all seriousness…bro where’s the face?
The studs begin in the shower, where it is clear that they did not get enough the previous time, before returning to the bedroom, where the real action begins.
The CorbinFisher guys would have a mountain of nickels if they had a nickel for each email asking them to get Barron to top Chris.
It makes perfect sense to ask! Barron is a hung, studly top, and Chris is an insatiable, eager bottom. Barron and Chris had played together in a threesome before, but never in a one-on-one match for a variety of reasons.
Chris had just begun to find his footing in guy/guy action when Barron left for an extended period of time. Chris was extremely preoccupied with other things as soon as Barron got back and couldn’t come out to film for a while.
Happy Endings Part 2 on CockyBoys introduces Sean XavierDaniel Evans as the hot and kinky exhibitionists living near Cody Seiya and Tristan Hunter’s newly inherited old house!
Hi, I’m 22, I’m a masculine, well built college jock – except in one department, my dick isn’t exactly big. Tbh it’s only 4” when hard and it’s causing me a real problem.
It seems all the bottoms I dated want “well hung” and it’s doing my head in seeing the look of disappointment when I drop my trousers for sex. A couple of guys have even laughed, which I kinda laughed it off too at the time, but really it was very crushing.
Look… I know that every top isn’t hung like a porn star, and I realize that there are lots of bottoms who are “size queens” but is there anyone out there who is going to accept a top like me who has a smaller than average cock?
I even tried bottoming for a while, but it just doesn’t do it for me, I didn’t enjoy the experience or feeling. I have this really strong urge to fuck, not be fucked.
Tbh it’s really starting to get me down and depressed. At high school it didn’t really bother me as I was in the closet there, but when I moved to the city for college 2 years ago I came out.
Admittedly most of my dates have been through the apps but I’ve yet to meet a guy “normally” as in friends or common interest first and got to know each other before jumping into bed.
Any help? I’m not sure what to do and this is destroying my confidence in dating guys. When I tell guys on the apps my size I usually get blocked, but should I tell someone if I am regular dating or do I wait until we have sex and then…
After doing his first solo shoot, Andrew asked about getting into some couple shoots with the other mates. Nate told Ben he thought Andrew was pretty cute when they first met him last year. He was very keen to get into a shoot with the beautiful new mate.
It was Rocky who introduced Dylan to guy/guy action in a blazing hot bisexual threeway, and they reunited for some awesome one-on-one action not too long after that.
To this point, Dylan’s gotten to pound Rocky’s hole but hasn’t yet gotten to feel Rocky’s big, uncut dick inside him. That all changes with this episode!
I recently started dating a super hot guy earlier this year, I’m 19 and he is 29 and a real sexy daddy!
We really get along great and for the first 6 months we have had loads of sex, really hot wild sex, like 2-3 times a day – he’s top verse and I’m bottom verse.
I’ve only fucked him once though and that was 3 weeks ago, the weird thing is since then when we have sex together he can’t get it up! He said he is okay with getting an erection by himself and jerking off but for some reason when we are together he can’t get erect with me. I suggested more things like massage to relax him or that I fuck him but he says he doesn’t want that.
So, I’m a bit confused, he obviously doesn’t have any physical problem getting his dick hard if he can jerk off when we are not together. So it would seem to me a psychological issue, either that or he has “gone off” me!
I’m a bit concerned because I would really like to make this long term and he says he would too – any ideas how he can clear his head of these issues and so we can get back to our normal and crazy hot sex life!? It would be a great help if anyone here can offer or share their advice or experiences with me to help me in this situation.
