(damaged boys) 16
There were five of them in the row of townhouses, and underneath the sheen of public normalcy and personal success lived the gaping damage within.
if I was the one you chose
For Marcus, nothing seemed to matter anymore. He was listless and indecisive and unsure. From outside glances, his life looked perfect, ideal. To Marcus, it was far from that. His life had become complicated and mundane. His work, no longer a source of stimulation or interest, slipped into neutral. He coasted on his own knowledge equity, relying on his good relationships with vendors and customers. He lived in the ether, floating from meeting to meeting, not quite in a fog, but disillusioned in a cloud of his own despair.
His routine was merely a track, guiding him forward, or arguably, in circles. And it all made perfect sense to him. There was every reason to feel lost and nowhere, without anchor…not caring…because no one really understood what it was like to be him. And that was, perhaps, the loneliest revelation of all. Not that having someone care was some sort of cure-all. Sometimes people cared too much, or cared too much about the surface things. He was surrounded by lots of people all the time, but no one really knew him.
How is it that Mister Successful could be suffering depression? How could it be that Mister Handsome was alone? What was wrong with him? Why do we measure success by varying degrees of misery? How can you measure happiness or satisfaction if you barely remember the flavor?
His heart ached. He longed for some simple, deep satisfaction. He also knew he’d have to find his way out of this very dark forest and into the light. And, like most other times in his life, he’d likely make the journey alone.
Marcus remembered being in elementary school and worrying about forgotten homework assignments, or forgetting to study for a test or looming science projects. Just thinking about it churned his stomach, stirring ancient anxieties. His teachers would hate him. He would fail. He was a bad person. But, it was always his mother who would sit on the side of his bed and talk him through his academic demons, using logic like a sorceress to calm a jittery fourth-grader…talking him through it until there was some resolution. And, there always was…a reasonable end. It was from those nights that Marcus learned about solving his problems, thinking things through. And, even though he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he would, eventually.
He missed Michael. He missed the way things used to be. And, even though he refused to allow himself to live in the past, it was ever more difficult to escape. Michael was the one person by which all other lovers were measured. No one had yet managed to eclipse his love for Michael. Not that he hadn’t tried.
Things were different now. There were many years, and many miles, between them. And when college ended, and it was time to choose paths, their lives diverged. And it was not because theirs was a fading love. It was practical. It was foolish to delude themselves with romantic notions of being together. At the start of one’s life, one never imagines they’ve had the good fortune of finding their great love, their one true. No one thinks that. Endless possibilities lie ahead, a future riddled with exciting, incredible new people. The problem is, by the time you realize your good fortune, too much time has passed to even fathom finding your way back.
Marcus knew he had missed his one true…and that was the root of this stark, emotionless reality. And, he stood in his life, still and silent and hoping for Michael, wanting to be chosen, knowing he had waited much too long. Michael wasn’t chosing. Michael wasn’t even in his life anymore. Time to move forward. Time to open his eyes.
And, at once, it dawned on him…
Ben.
