(damaged boys) 23

There were five of them in the row of townhouses, and underneath the sheen of public normalcy and personal success lived the gaping damage within.

…and then everything else happened
I suppose I should have seen it coming. Everything was as it should have been, Jeanine was finishing the baking and the housekeeping; and for the first time in history, I believe everyone had managed to reply. We were expecting over thirty people for an evening of holiday cheer, something our house needed desperately. Jeanine and I were not quite on the same wavelength anymore, and there was no easy way to remedy the situation. Things were shifting, glacially, toward disintegration…and we both knew it. I wish I could say I saw an easy fix, but I didn’t. I wasn’t even sure that our marriage, our union was what I desired anymore.

During our college years, it had seemed the natural way of things: Daniel and Jeanine getting married, having a family and living happily ever after. The truth is, I’m still not sure it’s the right decision for anyone…after all, it’s never just your decision is it? No, there are always others involved, families, friends and anyone who can muster up an opinion seems to have input. In the end, it’s a marriage of expectation. And that, my friends, is a marriage built on a foundation of sweet, frothy meringue…liable to dissolve at any moment, crumble at the slightest change in temperature. Impenetrable to the gaze, but destined for collapse and consumption.
And what did they know anyway? Yes, they all had opinions…marry Jeanine; you’ll be better off with a smart girl like her…look at those childbearing hips. Truth? I never wanted kids, but it seemed like something we were expected to do. Do you want to know something else? I’m sterile. I can’t have kids. It’s like God himself saying, “Daniel, you are a horrible role model and not worthy of procreating.”
Jeanine was devastated, of course. But, in my heart, I think she was relieved to find out that it wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t her failing…it was mine. It was something I could never undo or fix. It was permanent failure. Of course, she never said anything like that, but I could see it in her. I could imagine the conversations with her mother describing my genetic inadequacies, my flaws, my defects.
In the end, I suppose I don’t really care. All of this is much easier to carry off without baggage…miniature versions of ourselves. And why, for God’s sake, would we want to bring more of our miserable selves into the world? That, I could never understand. I think only the happy, successful people should be allowed to reproduce…so we don’t get a world full of angry, depressed people like us.
Anyway, everything in our charade was going along fine. The invitations were complete, the holiday gifts were purchased and the house was trimmed like Christmas in Vienna. We were expecting guests and family and then, everything else happened.
I saw him outside the window, crying. He was looking at Braden’s door like he couldn’t believe he’d been tossed out the door like so many before him. I’d seen him there looking so helpless and fragile…so feminine. Something in me just…snapped.
Anyway, is this bothering you? I said to him hello. And I kissed him. And in one instant I knew I needed to be with him. It was so strange because I had never felt that way about anyone else before, not even Jeanine. Isn’t that weird? I pushed him up against the garage door and kissed him hard, forcing my tongue into his warm mouth…tasting Velamints and cigarettes. It felt like Christmas. Fucking insane, isn’t it? Me, kissing some eighteen year old street rat that Braden discarded like the trash he was.
No big deal, even after the motel and all that. It’s the first and only time I’ve ever done anything like that…I mean, I’m not gay, but we had sex…and all I could think about was how amazing it felt and how much I hated this stupid piece of white trash…and how much I loved that he wanted me.
Anyway, it was like the first trash day after Christmas when everyone throws everything away, right? So, whatever that was…I got it off my chest…so I could move on…focus on being a husband to Jeanine, a good employee at work and a respectable member of the church.
And, I think it helped, too. Jeanine and I started screwing like rabbits and I threw myself into overtime at work. I wanted to show them that I wasn’t a loser. I even accepted a position as Deacon at church. Now, I don’t think about it much…almost like it didn’t happen. Still, there was my life.
Did you hear about those faggots? Yeah, they want all those special rights…like, to get married. Imagine that, fucking up the institution of marriage.
Fucking faggots.