QColumn: A Gay In The Life: Intimate Portrait (Part Trois)

Intimate Portrait, Round Three
By Steve Prince
We hugged and suddenly my mind lifted to a past memory. A song, a kiss, and a fool. By keeping my eyes closed, I could still see it.
The memory still felt too close, so I opened my eyes, and smiled at Kelly.
“How are you shuugar?” he asked casually.
“I’m good,” I said and I meant it, but I was glad Troy and Cody were with me.
“Getting into any trouble?” Cody asked, adjusting his underwear.
“Nah,” Kelly said tossing his head to the side, “I’m actually just leaving. I have to get home and study.”
“For what?” I asked.
Kelly straightened up and beamed, “I’m in law school.”
“Yeah right,” Troy said honestly. Kelly looked at him thinking he was joking.
“I just started my first week,” Kelly continued as if Troy’d said nothing. I saw Troy’s face out of the corner of my eye; he looked about to laugh. Troy can be such a bitch sometimes—and I never appreciated him more than in that moment.
Not that I didn’t think Kelly could be an attorney. In fact, I thought he could be a fine attorney—he bullshitted me well enough. Okay, maybe I felt a little bitter, but wasn’t I allowed?
“So it’s going well?” I asked, trying not to notice the shape of his soft brown eyes.
“Yeah,” he said, “it’s just a lot. In fact, I really should jet.” Kelly nodded at Troy and Cody, then gave me a hug, “Let’s hang out soon, OK?”
“Sure,” I said flatly, “call me.” I said that because I know Kelly wouldn’t, which was honestly what I wanted as well.
He barely left the patio before Troy let out a sigh.
“I hate that guy,” he said making a face “He’s just so… douche-baggy.”

Cody cocked his head to one side like a confused puppy. “Is douche-baggy really a word?”
“It is now,” Troy said placing his water bottle on a table and leading us back inside.
As we walked into the bar, I couldn’t help but notice the irony of the night’s situation.
Here I was in West Hollywood on a quest for intimacy and I run into Kelly—the King of Non-Intimacy. I remembered trying to have a conversation about what was really going on between us. It literally felt like beating my head against a brick wall. What bugged me the most was that Kelly couldn’t discuss what was actually going on between us.
Or no! Actually, it pissed me off that he never even acknowledged what was happening between us. If he didn’t want to be with me then I wish he’d told me. Instead he pulled me along in this “middle ground,” an area where he felt detached enough to convince himself that he wasn’t leading me on, yet at the same time keeping me in his life.
As I sat brooding, I glanced over at Troy and Cody talking. Watching them, I realized that they have a different relationship then any of the other guys in our circle of friends—they constantly flirt with one another.
It’s not subtle flirting; it’s out and out, flirting. Maybe it comes naturally between them—they’re both ridiculously attractive and very sexual. Sitting there, watching them, I remembered the time they almost had sex.
It was almost two years ago, Alex, Troy, Cody, and I went out and Troy ended up very drunk, which rarely happened; Troy much prefers to stay in control. This night, however, he made a big exception.
As we left the bar, Alex and I walked ahead. He walked quietly and I purposely eavesdropped on Troy and Cody’s conversation.
Through a snicker I heard, “Let me see it.”
Troy’s gasped, “No!”
“Please…” Cody begged.
“No,” Troy said laughing, “my dick is for a select few.”
Cody laughed again; they were both tipsy.
“Besides, you won’t let me see your amazing ass,” Troy quipped.
“You first!” Cody replied.
This enthralling conversation continued until we stopped outside of Cody’s apartment. I could tell Cody wanted Troy to come up, and honestly, I thought Troy might want to as well.
“Okay,” Alex called, “Stevie is taking us home, Troy-boy!”
Alex latched onto Troy’s arm and I took them both home.
Two days later, when I asked Troy about his possible attraction to Cody, he scoffed at me.
“Puuuhh-leez,” he said, “it meant nothing. We were just goofing around. Cody’s such a sweet guy. I would never do that.”
“Are you sure?” I asked unconvinced.
“Trust me, Steve Prince,” he said. “We’re just good friends.
I decided to believe Troy and even now, as I sat watching them flirt, I still believed him.
In fact, nothing has like that has happened since, yet they both still flirt with each other.
I walked to the bar. “Can I have a vodka soda?” I asked tossing a ten on the table. As the waiter made my drink, I couldn’t help but recall the many gay men I knew who were friends yet slept together—and how it never seemed to change their friendship—it seems like it happens a lot.
In fact, that’s how my roommate James and Carlos became such good friends. It all began with a Myspace hookup.
I felt lucky that I wasn’t “the pretty one” in the group. I mean seriously, in comparison to Omar, Cody, Troy, and Alex—I’m the average guy. I mean, I think I’m cute, but no way am I the buff boy in the room. Maybe I’d be more flirtatious with my friends if I looked that way. Still, I couldn’t imagine being sexual with one of my best friends.
But then I realized I already was. I have felt every one of my good friends’ dicks. I have. See, when I drink, I get handsy. I’m not hitting on my friends, it’s just me. What can I say? I’m a very loveable drunk. I will often run up to them, pinch their nipple, and completely fondle them. Yet if this was someone I liked, I’d be too terrified to even put my arm around them—that makes me feel a bit fucked up.
Maybe part of deciphering what intimacy means to me is not letting heterosexual ideas of gay people come into my brain. I have no desire to sleep with my friends, yet I know a lot of my Oklahoma friends think that’s all gay people do. There’s nothing about emotional attraction; they stigmatize gay men as purely sexual beings. Still, you don’t hear of straight friends (a guy-and-girl friendship) hooking up as much as gay men.
So is being handsy with my friends my way of fitting into heterosexual role models? Is that me feeling like I have to be sexual with someone to feel close to them, because that’s what everyone is telling me? Ugh.
As I sat in the bar, I felt very alone. I started to think about Kelly again and why I still felt bitter. And then the light went on in my head—Kelly has a different definition of intimacy than I do. And also, he probably just wasn’t that into me. Sadly, instead of talking to me about it honestly, he had to do the whole evasive song and dance.
I’ve done that to people. I thought about Jeremy—a birthday pickup from the past that I remembered over my 30th birthday. I might have been a bit too abrupt ending things with him. Okay, I was a fucking asshole about it. Hopefully, now that I’m thirty, I hope could be more honest in a situation like that—hopefully, I’ve learned from it.
I thought about the type of intimacy Jeremy might have wanted—it defiantly wasn’t what I wanted. Jeremy felt clingy and needy, yet instead of responding to that like an adult—I blew him off like an immature prick. All because I didn’t do the right thing and just be honest.
Maybe that’s what intimacy is—honesty.
You know, that might make sense. I thought about all the different types of intimacy my friends had talked to me about over the last week.
Mother Dillion loves a conversation with Tony… an honest conversation. That’s intimacy for them.
Dave actually looked Alex in they eyes, while they were making love, and told Alex he was falling in love with him—an honest feeling.
Omar wanted to wake up to the same face every day—a face he could depend on and expect. Instead of sleeping with everyone and lying, he’d rather be honest with one man.
And Troy and Cody—well they’re good friends, and they’re honest about their attraction to each other, and maybe that’s why they’re close. They know that they can feel sexual about one another, but yet they feel the friendship is too close to act upon it. Perhaps they feel closer because they realize their friendship is more than sex.
Warmth spread through my body as I realized what I had discovered. If intimacy is honesty, then I already had so much of it my life as I strive to be honest with my family, my community, my friends, and most importantly… myself.
Yes, I’m still looking for the right fella for me, but not because I need to have intimacy in my life. Maybe it’s because I want more intimacy in my life. Gratefully, when I look around and see what I have done to stay true to myself and continue growing… that feels intimate.
Honestly.