Dear QC,
How interesting that this situation presented itself today: I’m a 54 year-young gay man with a husband of almost 27 years—we have spent virtually half of our lives together (yes, we’re one of the 18,000 legally recognized married couples in California!). I was having lower back problems for the past few years, and Yoga and Pilates wasn’t solving the problem. A friend said, hey, go check outthis massage place in town, you might get some relief with a really deep tissue massage. I called up. Yes, they had a male masseur, and I made an appointment.
He was a pleasant guy, mid-twenties, and he knew his bodywork profession well. I made several follow-up appointments. My back pain was becoming a thing of the past, his bodywork was helping out tremendously, and I was thrilled. After a few visits and getting to know a bit more about him, he told me he was quitting that job and I inquired if he would be willing to come to my home – not far away – on a weekly basis to massage me and perhaps my husband. He said yes, he was interested and honestly, the money was good – we paid him, including gratuity, a total of $230 each
time for two 90-minute massages. Do the math: that’s almost $1000 a month.
Deep tissue massage, if done properly, is like a tough workout and is intense. By this time I knew he was a good Christian boy, married with kids, and I had told him about our marriage at our home with over 60 friends and family attending. He knew we were gay and didn’t seem to have a problem with it. We never said anything to comment negatively on his apparent strong Christian beliefs, and we certainly weren’t about to ask if he would consider adding a “happy ending” to each of our sessions. This was all on the up and up.
Over a year has passed, and I thought we were on schedule for our Saturday morning massage. This morning I received a call from him where he essentially told me his faith is important to him and that he had been praying for me. That must have been Red Flag #1. I thought it was nice that someone said they were praying for you. Then he goes on to say it was because of our “lifestyle”—my blood started to boil—and that he believes in the bible and that those who do not accept Jesus into their hearts are going to hell.
He knew from previous conversations that we are both Jewish, just as he’s known all along we are two fine people who love each other and just happen to prefer men. I was shocked and yet I just listened to him, allowing him to express himself. I’m old enough to know that this conversation had a dead end to it, that there was no point in debating or arguing, and I thanked him for his honesty and wished him good luck. I was just going to let it go and figure, I’ll go online and find a GAY bodywork professional locally and then our “lifestyle” won’t be an issue.
I called mom and she said let it go, there’s no point when someone has those beliefs. Three friends I spoke with today expressed shock, including a Christian friend (who needs to come out of the closet!) who was “horrified” at what had happened. Fundamentalists of any religion—Christian, Islamic, Orthodox Jews—generally all have extreme views about everyone else who are different from themselves, and those views are thinly veiled disguises of prejudice in my opinion.
I don’t think I should let it go, I feel an obligation to respond to him about his “beliefs” by expressing to him my beliefs about folks like him who continue to perpetuate hate against gay people – or any other groups of people who don’t fit into their images of a moral individual. I certainly don’t expect him to alter his beliefs or views based upon an e-mail from me pointing out his flawed thinking— most likely he’d receive it and trash it without reading it, but one never knows.
I’m curious as to the feedback and comments your wise readers might provide. I’ll hold off on emailing the schmuck until (hopefully) I receive some great advice from the gang here. Thanks in advance!
Tom
