QC FYI: Robots Test Condoms To Increase Human Pleasure

Anyone who’s ever had a condom break during sex knows that the reaction can range from smug satisfaction (“I told you we shoulda bought those magnums.”) to outright horror (“OH MY GOD, I’M DYYYYIIIIIIINNNNNNG!!!”). But it’s not like scientists can test every condom before packaging them. For one, they’d get too tired. For two, there aren’t enough lab animals in the world to test them on. And for three, who wants Einstein’s sloppy seconds? Ewwww…
That’s where the condom testing robot comes in. The makers of Durex Condoms, SSL International, have a Cambridge Technical Centre where they keep their “coital model”—a big robo-phallus that thrusts repeatedly into an box resembling a subwoofer—it kinda looks like something from Butt Machine Boys.

Anyway, they created the robot to study why condoms break and published their findings in the journal Contraception. Here’s what they found:

Over a period of 7 years, broken condoms returned to a supplier (SSL, Durex) via consumer complaints were examined to determine the cause of failure. Also, some consumers who reported breakage but did not return condoms were sent a questionnaire on the causes of breakage.

Err… wait a second. Are you saying that Durex wants you to return used, broken condoms so they can examine them? Cripes! Do you just drop it in an envelope or tape it to a postcard? Anyway, back to their conclusions…

Evidence combined from examining returns, questionnaire responses and the coital model strongly suggests a single predominant mechanism of failure we named “blunt puncture,” where the tip of the thrusting male penis progressively stretches one part of the intact condom wall until it ultimately breaks.

In the end, they concluded that “blunt puncture” causes 90% of broken condoms not attributable to misuse (re: making balloon animals pre-coitus). Condom companies typically test their condoms using airburst, electric blockage, and water leak testing, but there’s no substitute for human intelligence. Even their big-dicked robot didn’t know how to put on a condom for itself, so make sure you learn how, eh?
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