Repealing The US Military Gay Ban Will Result In Hot Battlefield Man-Orgies

While Americans continue to fight about whether or not to allow queermos into their armed forces, only one publication is fearless enough to mention the hot gay orgies that will overtake our battlefields once openly gay men are allowed to rim, er, blow, er… serve—The Onion. Yes, it’s a fake newspaper, but there’s nothing fake about the boner we got reading their satirical article on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell:

Despite its support from the defense secretary and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, the repeal has been condemned by many military officers who worry it could disrupt troop cohesion and endanger the lives of the taut young soldiers who have dedicated their lives to serving America with “every rippling muscle in their rock-hard bodies.”

Others have argued that allowing gay soldiers to push their lifestyle on others, testing the limits of pleasure a man can take before he erupts in uncontrollable ecstasy, would seriously damage morale.

“Our men need to know they can count on each other in battle, and we can’t have them getting distracted by illicit romantic dalliances,” said Gen. James T. Conway, commandant of the Marine Corps. “Especially if one’s a little blond Adonis farm boy and his buddy’s a real tough street kid straight out of Brooklyn. I mean, think about it: What if they lock eyes and abandon their post to start ripping each other’s fatigues off, revealing twin sets of glistening washboard abs and at last fulfilling their hidden passions?”

Continued Conway, “Is this the message we want to send to our enemies?”…

This May, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) promised voters he would do everything in his power to prevent gays from serving openly in the armed forces…

“Imagine you’ve got a boat full of sailors out cruising the Gulf of Aden when all of a sudden they’re attacked. Some of the homosexuals lock themselves below deck and begin touching themselves,” said the 73-year-old senator and Vietnam War veteran, his breath quickening. “One of their names is Ricardo. Unbuttoning his pants, he throws his gunner’s mate down on the cot and penetrates him, his big, beautiful dick shimmering with power, his dog tags bouncing up and down as he’s pounding, and pounding, and pounding.”

Added McCain, “What I’m trying to say is: It all boils down to combat effectiveness.”

So they’re worried that letting gays serve will result in hot, cum-splattering scenes like the ones in Raging Stallion’s Grunts (pictured above)? They’re wrong of course. Gay soldiers won’t fuck each other on duty. They’ll wait until they’re done serving and then pop up on Military Classified, Active Duty, and All American Heroes, like any self-respecting military masturbator would do.
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