The Hottest Wettest Maxipad Commercials You’ve Ever Seen (Kinda)

This is Brad. He’s handsome, cultured, and prepared to make you cream your panties with rosemary sunflower risotto, two complimentary copies of his new cookbook, and saying “fiddlesticks” as he removes his shirt to reveal his beautifully sculpted body underneath. It’s the sort of evening that really gives us a lesbian boner… that is, until he takes us out back to compare the thickness of maxipads. Then the date really goes downhill. If you wanna get to third base, you’re running into the outfield, Brad. Now shut the hell up and eat our manbox.

Oh well. Maybe we will do better with Ryan. He’s a smug, self-satisfied prick who makes toys for underprivileged orphans (like we give a fuck). Luckily, Mr. Perfect is a crappy actor who rips his stupid shirt off to let you eye-rape his perfect torso before uttering those immortal words of passion, “Don’t you just hate moisture?” And then… OH NO!!! He’s set up a fucking science project about how well different sanitary napkins absorb a woman’s monthly spaghetti jamboree. “It’s not fair that you should have to experience this every month.” And it’s not fair that we should have to experience him talking instead of moaning on all fours like a dumb cockslut. Moving on…

Then there’s Trevor. Trevor loves vacuuming and keeping up his eight hundred medical degrees so his mom can ooze all over what a brainiac he is. Luckily he knows that tidiness and smarts mean nothing compared to getting naked. So just as he reveals that he’s not wearing underwear and sits down at the piano to fuck your brains out, he starts talking about tampons again! Jesus, what is it with these guys? Is it that we keep going after bisexuals or that really sensitive men just hate vaginal moisture so much that they can’t go one minute in a date without talking about how much it disgusts them?
What we love though is that these three men are obviously cruising the women’s college looking for vulnerable women, luring them back to their place with promises of music, laundry, and candlelit dinners… showing some skin and then pulling the ol’ bait-and-switch to sell you tampons. It’s kinda like when we followed that cute guy home from the club only to end up with a 26-piece tupperware set. Yes, we would have preferred sex, but those sealable lids really do a good job of keeping out moisture. Love: zero, capitalism: one.
Via Fleshbot