Ask QC: How do I ask for more sex?

Dear Ask QC,

So I’ve been dating this wonderful man for two months now, but we’ve known and liked each other from afar for almost a year come October before making it official in July. I have the personality where I have this deeply rooted need to truly express my affections with someone I really like by expressing it sexually after a full day spent together doing all sorts of romantic things. On the other hand, he’s not quite as experienced as I am.

He was with the same guy in a very long distance relationship for 4 years and they only saw each other maybe twice a year. He never messed around (a virtue I’m insanely grateful for), and when they were together it was mostly the other guy showing him off as a status symbol rather than a human being worthy of actual love and affection. As such, my guy still has some anxiety when it comes to having sex. It makes him very nervous still, so the few times that we have done it I’ve been very slow and gentle and taken his needs into consideration as we play; whenever he says to stop, I stop and we either just cuddle it out or do something else.

I want to help him get over his anxiety just as much as I want to get over mine. I’ve told him that I never want him to feel like I was pressuring him into anything, and even just knowing that he really cares about me fills me with such joy- but in the back of my head I want to give him more and fulfil my baser physical desires because there’s this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps yelling at me “You’re not giving him everything to the fullest extent of your passion, you obviously don’t love him.” (My inner voice can be a bit of a huge d-bag sometimes…)

I don’t know how to go about asking for more sex without making him feel nervous or pressured into it. I want him to feel more comfortable with the idea of doing it a little more frequently, but I also don’t want to turn him into a nymphomaniac. How do I go about bringing this up and how should I direct this conversation?

Thanks,

Tim

Hi Tim and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. It’s wonderful to hear that you two guys have found each other and been together for almost a year now, albeit with some bumps and difficulties yet to overcome. There are many partners that are compatible on so many levels but then also have differing sexual needs, wants or issues. But rest assured there are always people willing to help you both be able to resolve these. You mention that you have more experience sexually and, therefore, perhaps already have a better idea of what pleases you sexually and your preferences. Whereas your partner with previous little or infrequent sexual encounters may not yet have fully discovered everything that he likes (or dislikes). He may also consider the infrequent sexual activity with his previous partner as normal and indeed gotten used to that. It’s admirable that you are concerned with his feelings and know that to approach this subject with him may be a little tricky but we are sure there will be the right way to approach this subject with him. Generally, humour is a good starting point so as to relieve any tension that may exist but of course there are other different angles with which to tackle this. Have you guys tried watching porn together? That could be an opportunity to discuss both of your likes and dislikes and get a better feel for things. You could discuss limitations about how far you want to go (or indeed won’t go) in the future, or maybe open a discussion about desires, fetishes or other sexually related topic’s to lead into chatting about the main issue. You could lead into your conversation with a general rhetorical or open question, or simply just ask him how he feels about things sexually. You could reference his previous long distance relationship to ask how difficult it must have been for him particularly when it came to sex, how often he wasn’t led astray and (presumably) relieved himself with solo masturbation. Has he used sex toys before (or yourself) and could that be an opener? Whether you guys are both into them or not at least that may get the ball rolling. The main thing is that the two of you communicate together and on an improved level that you are both presently at right now. And there is nothing wrong with this, it takes time (and sometimes years) for couples to know instinctively what the others wants or desires are. But at the end of the day, non of us are mind readers! So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Tim and his man? Have you been in a similar situation like this before? How did you approach this line of conversation and what other suggestions would you make? If you can help them in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!

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