Ask QC: I am still single at 40 something, am I too picky?

Dear Ask QC,

I’m in my 40’s, in good shape and have established a good career path. When it comes to material things then I’m pretty well set up with all that I need but when it comes to men I just can’t seem to keep a guy for more than a few months. All of my peers (straight, bi and gay) have all settled down either in permanent relationships (for years) or have married (and ha e kids, etc) – I seem destined to be alone it would seem.

It’s true that I have a certain type but my parameters aren’t that strict (+/- 10 years of my age) and intellectually/sexually compatible and a good sense of humor. Career wise they have to know what they want but I’m not particularly looking for someone who is a CEO or something like that, as long as they are happy and fulfilled in their work then I am fine with that. So I think the type of guy I am looking for is normal, yet for some reason the guys I’ve been dating seem to move on after a few weeks or months at most.

One important period in my life was that in my late teens I did have a long love relationship for 4 years but his family migrated overseas and that ended. This affected me very deeply when this happened and I withdrew into myself for several years just focusing on my studies, sports and then career. My friends say that I constantly judge or mark guys as suitable life partners against my previous love but this was over 25 years ago now and it doesn’t even make sense or seem real any more. I guess I do have this habit of making comparisons (doesn’t everyone?) but I can’t seem to break out of this – so have I set the bar too high or am I just too picky?

Any ideas on how to solve this? Thanks guys, hugs

Douglas

Hi Douglas and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. We will always remember our first love more tenderly (and probably with rose tinted spectacles truth be known) but this is because the first time we experience those feelings they are incredibly intense and it’s all so new and exciting first time around. So how do we replicate that intensity and excitement again? The answer is that we don’t; next time around it will be different but that’s not to lessen the quality of those feelings of love at all as inevitably with the benefit of experience our perspectives change. Finding a suitable life partner isn’t exactly scientific either, although some would make us think it’s that easy. Finding love can be as random and unexpected as life itself but let’s assume that you are putting yourself in all the right places to meet the type of guys you like? It sounds more as though you need to break away and disconnect from seeing each date as potential marriage material. There could also be an element of your comparisons and eagerness to settle down that ironically may be what is pushing guys away too. So my advice would be to just date and don’t feel pressurized in any way because of your age or your peer group. Just let things take their natural course and it will work out. So dear QC readers what advice would you offer Douglas? Have you been in this situation before and/or know how to resolve it? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!

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