QC FYI: Which Animals Masturbate?

You may think that humans are the only creatures in the animal kingdom that occasionally rub one out, but lots of animals masturbate—porcupines play with their pricks, squirrels like their nuts, turtles cum out of their shells, dogs give themselves a bone, cats enjoy licking their own pussies, birds choke their own chickens, horses can ride themselves, and (as you already know) walruses regularly jerk and suck themselves.
Scientists don’t always know the evolutionary reason that animals jerk-off, though some have said animals whack off to keep fresh sperm in their sacks, to clear out their urethras of any potential germs, and because it just feels good. But of all the animals that jerk off, we have to say the elephant really takes the cake:

Elephants have been known to rub up against rocks for pleasure. However, to collect semen from captive elephants for artificial insemination, zookeepers must manually stimulate a bull’s rectum to massage its prostate (yep, that means some poor zoo worker has to don a glove and reach up there).

Fun fact: Elephant penises are curved like an S, and can reach 3-5 feet (1 to 1.5 meters) in length with a 6-inch (16-centimeters) girth. Meanwhile, elephant clitorises can reach more than a foot long (40 cm)!

… In related news, moose can reportedly bring themselves to orgasm simply by rubbing their antlers on nearby trees.

Um…amazing! So the next time your loved one tells you to stop masturbating so much, simply point out one of the many animals that shares your fondness for frottage and keep on whacking, ya beast!

Vote for Your Favorite Guy With iPhone!

Guys With iPhones is into the second week of voting for their GWiP Awards 2010. Have you checked out the hot guys and voted yet?
All voters get a chance to win an Apple iPod Shuffle. They have 3 to give away. Chances of winning are pretty high!
All you have to do is to pick your favourite GWiP here and vote using a valid e-mail address. The event ends October 19, so you have 3 days left. Do it now.

Extra Credit: Academic Over-Acheiver Writes Thesis About Fucking 13 Athletes (With Rankings And Power Point)!

While some college students spend their time doing statical spreadsheets on theoretical models, one ambitious young lady at Duke University got some hard, hands-on data modeling and spreading herself on the sheets of the school’s hottest athletes. The title of her “unofficial thesis”? An education beyond the classroom: Excelling in the Realm of Horizontal Academics. Take it away, Ms. Owen:

“In her unofficial senior thesis in Powerpoint format, Duke super-slut Karen Owen [former Sports Information Assistant for the Duke Department of Athletics] recorded, organized, and evaluated and ranked 13 ‘subjects,’ including their pictures, names, and full details of each sexual encounter… Each detailed outline featured things such as a good physique or their behavior before and after the act, but points were subtracted for smaller packages, bad attitudes, and being Canadian.

“Owen carefully detailed the information and compiled it into a Powerpoint presentation that she presented as a ‘senior thesis.’ She emailed the report to a few friends. Who emailed it to their friends. Who emailed to theirs. And soon the presentation was posted on the Internet and went viral… Highlights include her account of leaving some dude’s sheets bloody from having period sex and banging a dude in a SUV 5 minutes after banging another dude… All of the men are or were Duke athletes; five are on the lacrosse team…. Since the list went viral, Owen has deleted all her social network accounts. When the news media reached Karen after the file made the national news, she stated that she never intended to spread the information on the net and she apologized to the people she had named in the ‘thesis.'”

We think it’s unfair to call her a slut. She’s just a young woman who knows what she wants… and what she wants is at least 13 different cocks in her cha-cha. Also, it seems her MO was to get wasted at a local jock hangout named Shooters and then go back to their places to fuck. Call us crazy, but maybe she got so much action there because all the guys knew her as the pass around party bottom. Just sayin’

Either way, here’s a brief summation of her 13 subjects as well as how she ranked them on a scale of 10:
1. A well hung lacrosse player: “I was rendered speechless… wasn’t even sure what to do with the situation at hand (erm, mouth).” (4/10)
2. A rude but “lengthy” Canadian tennis player: “Finished in about five minutes, after which he simply walked out of the room and did not return.” (1/10)
3. A hung aggressive wrestler who likes fucking in public places and whose cock rendered her incapable of walking or peeing without the comfort of a blanket for the next few days—talk about dicktimized! (10/10)
4. An “amusing” baseball player who “is not very big… unfortunately not a grower” and had trouble keeping it up. (4/10)
5. Some “quite sizable” lacrosse player she went home with after blacking out. Bruises she discovered in the shower later proved he was “fairly aggressive.” (3/10)
6. A prematurely ejaculating baseball player with “a gorgeous perfect body… supporting a penile structure so disproportionately small” that she had to force a smile and lie when he asked every few minutes if he was the biggest she’d ever seen. (3/10)
7. A sexy baseball player with “incredible hair” who refers to his cock as “his D” and said he wanted “to come all over her” before proceeding to have a quickie with her on #4’s couch. (8/10)
8. An Australian lacrosse player with a sexy accent who told her his life story and then fucked her on a balcony but couldn’t function in the morning, much to her chagrin. (8.5/10)
9. Yet another Lacrosse player (the girl sticks with her fave sport) who fingerbanged her with his “powerful” digits and then fucked the menstrual blood right out of her onto his previously white sheets—much shame. He later fucked her with his “indecently sized package” in his friend’s SUV—the most violent sex she had ever experienced: she loved his “ability to turn me on more with one hand than most of the subjects possessed in their entire being.” (7/10)
10. A skinny American football player—”the most ridiculous individual I have ever met in my life.” She would have preferred he last a little longer and not fall asleep right after cumming, but he was a grower. (7.5/10)
11. A Superman-loving firefighter who had “girth on his side” but was “severely lacking in length.” (3/10)
12. A hot, blue-eyed guy who maintained eye-contact during sex and fucked her several times the morning after. He also rapped for her and insisted that she always cum before he—what a gent!. (12/10)
13. Though not as big as” she had become used to, this guy “knew how to work the equipment” while fucking her in his BMW. (7/10)
Girl, why’d you stop at number 13? Don’t you know that’s bad fuck… err, we mean luck? We’re assuming she could defend herself in an oral exam and would have probably graduated summa cum laude if her “thesis” had only included exact measurements— remember aspiring scholars: every inch counts.
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