QC FYI: Which Animals Masturbate?

You may think that humans are the only creatures in the animal kingdom that occasionally rub one out, but lots of animals masturbate—porcupines play with their pricks, squirrels like their nuts, turtles cum out of their shells, dogs give themselves a bone, cats enjoy licking their own pussies, birds choke their own chickens, horses can ride themselves, and (as you already know) walruses regularly jerk and suck themselves.
Scientists don’t always know the evolutionary reason that animals jerk-off, though some have said animals whack off to keep fresh sperm in their sacks, to clear out their urethras of any potential germs, and because it just feels good. But of all the animals that jerk off, we have to say the elephant really takes the cake:

Elephants have been known to rub up against rocks for pleasure. However, to collect semen from captive elephants for artificial insemination, zookeepers must manually stimulate a bull’s rectum to massage its prostate (yep, that means some poor zoo worker has to don a glove and reach up there).

Fun fact: Elephant penises are curved like an S, and can reach 3-5 feet (1 to 1.5 meters) in length with a 6-inch (16-centimeters) girth. Meanwhile, elephant clitorises can reach more than a foot long (40 cm)!

… In related news, moose can reportedly bring themselves to orgasm simply by rubbing their antlers on nearby trees.

Um…amazing! So the next time your loved one tells you to stop masturbating so much, simply point out one of the many animals that shares your fondness for frottage and keep on whacking, ya beast!