Mom Learns To Speak “Frat-Boy”

Hey Kids –
How have I gone this long and not learned the finer art of picking up a frat-boy? About a month ago – after a few libations at the local watering hole frequented by the “Boys” – I was soon introduced to a new language that I had some personal prior knowledge of, but never fluent. Some call it “Drunk-ese” – but in a college town I’m sure the dialect is more aptly named “Frat-Boy”.
If it wasn’t hard enough to ‘read inbetween the lines’ with most ‘so-called’ straight boys, once they’ve had a few pitchers of beer they begin to throw my gaydar off the chart. After many nights throwing darts, belching like a longshoreman and joining the gang singing an entirely garbled rendition of some Wu Tang Clan song at the top of my lungs I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am ready to pass on my findings.
Below you’ll find a few of the most common phrases that will be slurred in your general direction over the course of the evening followed with what can best be described as the closest sober translation. Hopefully these will aid you all in getting one step closer to the Hottie with that certain look in his eyes. Or at the very least – you’ll be able to know if you should be taking someone’s keys when they look at you and say, “No Dude, I’m toooooooootally cool to drive.”

What’s up, Bro? = What’s up, guy-who’s-name-I-can’t-ever-remember?
I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!
You’re my best friend, man. = You’re my only friend in arm’s reach right now.
Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything?

Man, I’m hungry = Man, if I don’t eat right now I am going to puke… again.
I’m soooo drunk = I’m planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight. *This is one phrase that works for everyone!*
Let’s take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.
Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I’m totally fine, dude = I’m totally going to puke again in about five minutes.
Happy hunting boys! – M’wah!