Ask QC: Does Anyone Date Anymore?

Dear QueerClick,

I don’t know how to ask this without sounding like a prude or a bible-beater, but does anyone date anymore? It seems like all gay guys (myself included) like jumping into the sack almost immediately, no matter if the date’s going well or not. That’s all good and well for a quickie, but it’s gotten to a point where it feels weird NOT to sleep with a guy on the first date; even though sleeping with guys too quickly has undoubtedly ruined long-term prospects with men I’ve liked once or twice.

Here’s an example. I met a guy online. He was great—very funny, nice, smart, handsome, and stylish. We went on a great date and had awesome conversation. We kissed before going out for coffee. After coffee, we went back to his place and fooled around; it was nice. The second time we got together we fucked and both came about four times apiece. Now, things have changed between us… I don’t know how, but they have. I get the feeling he thinks I’m only interested in sex, even though I actually wanted to date the guy. Yeah he’s busy, but he barely even calls and never makes plans, with even though he’s mentioned on the phone going out with other friends. I feel jealous and want him to spend time with me—after all, it said on his profile that he wanted to date. I can’t help but feel if I had taken my time that we might still be having great conversation and hanging out… oh well.

When I ask friends about this, they’re of two minds. One group says that you should sleep with anyone you’re attracted to and if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out. The other says you should only sleep with guys that you feel a genuine connection with over the span of several dates. That’s OK, but I guess it leaves me feeling like a bit of a tease. I mean, I obviously want to sleep with men I choose to date and I feel like if I string them along with kisses and a gradual baseball game of first base, second base, etc. that they’ll get bored, think I’m a disinterested prude or playing games and leave. I’m not trying to play games, I just dislike how sex seems to automatically change everything between people and I’d rather get to know a guy and appreciate him for him rather than just stick around for the possibility of getting in their pants. A lot of guys seem to be able to fuck immediately and stay around for personalities and intimacy as an after thought, but I’m not so sure I’m built like that.

So I guess I have a few questions: First, where can I find guys who actually date? Are there any readers on this blog who don’t jump into the sack too quickly? If so, (number two) how do you do it? Do you plan out how fast you’ll go with a guy (especially when you really want them)? Three, am I doing anything else wrong? I mean, I like sex as much as the next guy, but I really want a boyfriend… or at least someone I can date and spend time with. Am I going about this all wrong? I’m probably over-thinking it. Whatever happened to intuition, romance, and taking your time? Am I being naive or old-fashioned? If feels confusing sometimes.

I’d appreciate any advice and feedback from guys more like myself.

Thanks.

We’re of two minds about this letter as well. First, we empathize with wanting to find true love with that special someone, but we obviously understand the power and drive of sexual desire. So how can our young lover tame his sexual beast without killing all spontaneity? Is there a place (other than church) where easy-going and sociable gay men meet? Is there a way to convey to someone that you’re interested but don’t want to move too fast? Does wanting to go slow make you a prude or a game player? So many questions… please share your experiences and advice in the QComments section.
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