Ask QC: I’m a Desperate Lover but am I A Foolish Lover Too?

Dear QC,

I’ve been reading this advice column for so long and finally now I’ve decided that I need some advice from your readers. So here’s my story:

I’m just a regular guy, 28 years old, good looking and educated and am in a relationship. He is very handsome, borderline genius, insanely charming and boy does he love to flirt. We’ve been together for almost a year now. We’ve spent many MANY great quality times together, traveled together, hang out together, he introduces me to many of his friends and we all get along very well. I often invite them to dinner and me and my boyfriend cook for them. Although we don’t actually live together we are about 30 minutes away from each other because of work commitments. I see him every weekend and any holidays, we talk intensely on the phone, through text, Skype and email, whatever – all the time!

He is my first boyfriend and my first actual relationship, but before he met me he was in a 12 years long relationship with a man. Since the first time I met him, he’s been very nice, gentle, kind and VERY patient. In return I give him so much love, respect and attention, I love him and he loves me too. We really take great care of each other. When I look at my life so far, I really couldn’t be happier because I have a good career, am living in a great city and am having an amazing relationship with my man. Everything seems to be picture perfect.

I say ‘seems’ to be picture perfect because just last weekend I accidentally found a text in his phone from another guy… and it was a sexy message. I was so devastated, because I actually come from a broken home family and my dad cheated on my mom several times and that’s scarred me for life! And that’s why I’ve always been shy and have been VERY protective from allowing myself to love.

And so now, when I thought I was in a good loving relationship I was so sad to see this going on and this thing happening. I’ve been trying to stay cool about that text and in a roundabout way try to confirm this text really without mentioning that I had actually gone through his phone. His answers though have always been able to somehow calm me down, but deep down I think I’m probably so blinded by love or I just love this man so much I can’t see clearly. I’m really REALLY cut up about this though but still I’ve been thinking to myself “Fuck it, he might be flirting but at least I am THE one he loves. I’m the one he introduces to his friends. HE LOVES ME!”

Yesterday, we were driving to the airport to drop him off as he’s going on a business trip and I noticed he was texting quite a lot while I was driving. On the way we stopped at the gas station so he could use the bathroom, and as he had left his phone on the dash, when he was in there I checked it again. This time he had been texting to a guy, about his business trip and how he wished that guy could be there with him and hoped he would visit him in his dreams naked! A part of me died in that gas station.

So when I got home, I decided to go through all his stuff and I found two notes that I figured he has prepared to hand out when he’s out dining on his business trips or when hes not with me. The notes say how he would love to see that man over dinner. And I could tell that the notes are recent cos both notes had his new cell phone number that he’s only been using for a short while. One note actually said “Hey handsome guy, I’d love to get to know you more – I assure you that I’m a perfectly respectable gentleman.”

When I found these notes I started to cry. I know I’ve broken his privacy but what am I to do?! Am I being foolish by thinking (or actually knowing) that I am still madly in love with this guy. I want him to be happy with me. I want him to be free but I want him to be mine and only mine. I’m ok with all the flirting but I don’t want him to sleep around with another guy when I’m not looking. I admit that I’m a very obsessive and jealous person, but I have really tried to suppress that side of me so that he’s always been happy with me and me with him. I’ve tried very hard not to let that jealous or obsessive side surface, but now I’m really having difficulty handling this situation.

What should I do?

Desperate lover

Dear Desperate thanks for writing in, sorry to hear of your troubles, lets hope the QC readers can dole out a healthy dose of advice for you! Have any of you been in a similar situation to this? What did you do? Is it OK for his lover to flirt like this? Is his lover being unfaithful with these texts and notes? Did he invade his BF’s privacy by looking at messages on his phone and going through his stuff or is that acceptable? If you can help answer any of these questions and more, or have any other advice to offer him, then please leave your opinions, experiences, and advice in the QComments section.
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