Maybe cups and jockstraps aren’t as common in soccer as they are in other sports. But between this video and the one we shared last week of some poor scorer gettin’ goosed in the balls we think more players might consider them. What we love about this video is the way the offending grabber actually gets a good look at his handy work before speeding away to his team. We bet a second longer and you’d see a big grin on the fucker’s face. Pretty big floppy cock though, eh?
Women! They’re half the reason we’re gay (men being the other half). Just kidding! We love the women (Judi Dench and RuPaul, for example)… we’re just not in love with them. Bros Before Hos The Musical reminds us to show some love to our special man pals and lady friends this Valentine’s… and not only the ones we’re porking. Even if they dislike each other, they’re all we’ve got!
You think just anyone takes the photos of all those cocks on Craigslist? You think they just appear out of nowhere? Like everyone’s an Ansel Adams of cock or something? WRONG. Cock pics don’t just come from some boned-up guy sitting on the toilet. Real cock pics are HOURS AND HOURS OF HARD WORK. Comedian Bob Odenkirk plays Paul Jacoby, a penis photorapher for the casual encounters section of Craigslist. He’s got a real passion for the “folk Americana” of shitty cocktography and once he’s done, you will too.
Are you having a nice day? Yeah, well kiss it goodbye, because drag performer Christeene is here with her hit-single, “Fix My Dick” featuring DJ Jaunty off her Soldier of Pleasure album (which we’re pretty sure doesn’t exist). If a snaggletoothed transvestite singing about blowjobs amid shots of diarrhea isn’t enough to make you watch, let us win your over with some of the lyrics:
I’ll let you chew on my crab cakes
to hell with the first date
just slide me your beef steak.
I need a man who’s gonna win my nasty game
I need a woman who’s gonna eat my dirty shame
Fucking genius. According to the to the Gay Men’s Social Crisis where we found this strange video nugget, “Christeene is the alter-ego of drag queen Rebecca Havemeyer and actor/performance artist Paul Soileau.” They apparently shot the video in a foul-smelling apartment in Austin, Texas. We agree with the GMSC, the bearded guy’s a keeper.
As if dorky gamers needed another reason to stay inside their parent’s basement and masturbate—now there’s The Joydick! Now you can play all those great Atari games(?) that you still own(?) using your dick as a controller. Change the direction of your on-screen character by jerking your wonger around. Fire off round after round by stroking your poker. Ruin hours of enjoyable gameplay by rubbing your cock raw for an all-time high score on an outdated, two-bit gaming system… fun! And what’s even better is that you can’t just pick one up at an adult novelty store, no siree! You have to build the damned thing yourself. Looking at the easy-to-follow directions, it only requires a PhD in Electrical Engineering. It may take some work, but you’ll end up with an electronic pimp ring and your own cum-encrusted console. Call us lazy, but we think we’ll stick to our classic non-electronic spank classics like “Stickball,” “Donut Glazer,” and “Escape From Michigan.”
Though it’s more fun to watch than to have happen, this video of a soccer player getting goosed in the balls is pretty hilarious. We bet the teammate thought he was giving the guy a “love pat,” but with love like that, who needs opponents? Poor guy should’ve worn a cup. For more background info, check out Off The Post.
Crazy-ass bigots worry about what will happen if we allow gays to enter the military. But we gotta ask, would it be any worse (better) than the video above? We recently showed a bunch of hot marines doing the cha-cha, but this really takes the cake. Booty-shaking, men together in bed, and lip-synching Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing like drag queens? Sign us up!
Amid all the puritanical panic about the Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” during the 2004 Super Bowl half-time show, we were afraid this year’s game went by without so much as a bare nipple. Turns out that the best moment in yesterday’s game didn’t happen on-field or even during the commercials. In fact, it only happened for some of the Comcast’s 80,000 subscribers in Tuscon, Arizona; presumably Cardinals fans hundreds of miles from the game in Tampa Bay, Florida. During a replay of Arizona Cardinal player Larry Fitzgerald’s 64-yard touchdown in the fourth quarter, on came 30-seconds of porn star Evan Stone’s big ole’ floppy dick. The exciting moment came courtesy of Club Jenna’s 18 ‘n’ Up Wet Poons accidentally streamed in from Shorteez, an pay-per-view basis adult cable channel. Lots of households watching the game with children called Comcast to complain. And while that’s sad in a whole “protect the children” sort of way, I’m sure the parents would rather their kids be exposed to man cock in the safety of their home rather than in the coat room or confession booth like we did. Of his newfound Super Bowl fame, porn star Evan Stone said, “That’s incredible.” He thought he’d reached the height of fame when his caricature appeared in South Park. A Comcast spokesperson said that the Super Bowl broadcast was the result of an “isolated malicious act.” They don’t know exactly what happened, but equipment malfunction has been ruled out.
We found this horribly cute video of Marines dancing a cha-cha together. Though there’s not much touching, they have amazing asses and bodies. We think the guy on the right is cute as all get out. After you’re done with that, check out this incredibly funny video of two high school teenage guys asking their principal what sort of touching is appropriate for a school dance. We’d post the video here, but putting videos of barely illegal teens among all these crazy man-dicks would be kinda chicken-hawky, eh?
It’s not easy learning how to be gay. Luckily, The Gay Alphabet can help! In just 26 easy letters, you can go from Ass to Zucchini. However, we’re not crazy about every letter. For example, O is for O’Connor, Sinead… really? Has anyone ever heard her referred to as “a gay icon?” We would have preferred “O-face.” And X? What is an X-dress? How about “X-rated” instead? Oh well, at least I always comes before U. What do you think? Which letters would you have chosen different words for?
