What did She Who Must Not Be Named do to our beloved piss pup Zack Randall? Rumors abound that they’vebrokenup, but now the 2009 Freshman of the Year Zack has become fresh meat for the queer (namely, a room full of 100 crazy screaming women on Dancing Bear and Bang Bros.
Dancing Bear is like giving the undersexed all-female audience of The View lots of alcohol and cocaine and setting them loose in an X-rated strip club. There’s chubby breasts, panty hose torn apart from aggressive box rubbing, and saliva-slash-cum foaming from the mouths of these rabid cum-hungry whores. The estrogen literally flies off the screen and forces you to lick its cooch.
Bang Bros on the other hand is a more demure and understated website for lonely ladies looking to make the acquaintance of a nice gentleman. In their latest installment, brunette flooze Angelica Lane waits for her partner in “a tug job scene,” but when the stud doesn’t show (can’t imagine why), she blows some dude by the vending machine [QC: who just happens to be Zack Randall].
We’re not so hung up on the straight-for-pay thing. After all, we’ve enjoyed watching Zack Randall drink his own piss and he’s identified as bisexual before, so his getting blown by women is hardly amaing. But even still, why is he on straight sites only now? Have Zack’s gay porn opportunities dried up? Hasn’t he ever heard of escorting? Did What’s-Her-Name leave some sort of weird Nepali curse on our beloved? Why, God, WHY?!!!
Oh Zack, take your cock out of those strange women’s mouths and put it in ours!
Thanks to Just Us Boys for the pics.
If you’re like the rest of us squealing girls here at QCHQ, you’ve been feeling fangst over New Moon heartthrob Taylor Lautner. Rolling Stone recently interviewed him to ask him about rumors that he’s dating some she-twink named Taylor Swift.
[He said,] “We got along great. We instantly clicked. And she’s – she’s an amazing girl,” Taylor said of the singer in a new interview with Rolling Stone. “Aside from being beautiful, she’s extremely funny, charismatic and fun to be around, so we definitely get along. We’re close.”
But, is Taylor dating someone?
“Possibly,” he told the mag.
What a tease! He’s know that he’s infinitely more marketable as an ambiguously single man. All sorts of folks have pulled that routine—right, Zack Randall? Not content to leave ambiguous enough alone, Rolling Stone then pressured the pop-pup to respond to rumors that he’s gay:
“Another possibility is that maybe you’re just sort of discovering yourself,” Rolling Stone asked.
“OK,” Taylor said.
“…As a young person trying to figure out his sexual identity in the world,” the mag continued.
“OK. I see where you’re going,” he said during the interview. “Interesting choice.”
“It is a possibility,” the mag said.
“There’s a lot of rumors out there,” Taylor said.
Well, Mr. Lautner may not or may not be gay, but while playing the character of Jacob Black in the teen vampire/werewolf drama, New Moon, he certainly feels conflicted. At one point Jacob has to choose between running away with the film’s heroine or a pack of beefy wolf-boys. He makes his choice and we stand by it. The TimesOnline.uk reports:
The rest of New Moon concerns Bella’s growing relationship with local beefcake Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). The latter though, in another telegraphed allegory, is struggling with his sexual orientation and eventually rejects Bella for a foursome of local rowdies in cut-off denim shorts and baby-oiled torsos.: ‘It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella! I was born this way!’ he says, before fleeing into the woods with the beefy boys—they are also werewolves, but in the movie’s hysterical emotional register, this is of secondary importance.
OK, OK, OK… so we swore we would never mention a certain fat-hating drama queen ever again. Except that he’s just created yet another video calling out the editors of QueerClick and Unzipped Media for circulating rumors about his relationship with Zack Randall.
Actually, the person in the video is not he-who-no-longer-deserves-QCoverage but his porn rival, Phillip Ashton. If you recall, Phillip inserted himself in the faux-drama by levying some very serious claims of rape, drug and spouse abuse against Randall and his lover. We initially called Mr. Ashton bonkers and jealous, but with this video he has singlehandedly redeemed himself!
He calls out you-know-who for all his bad behavior and then some, adding a deliciously nasty tone that’s not far from the original. Plus, he throws in the bad trademark Elvis hairdo, some devilish smiles, and an wicked brown-face performance that are truly inspired comedic touches! We were gonna use this column space to join in the abuse, except that Phillip’s said everything about you-know-who far better than we ever could. Bravo, Mr. Ashton—ten gold stars!
In his most butch drag to date, Ice Empress Derek Rivero breaks his own promise made yesterday to never talk about his self-wrought drama of “breaking up” with Zack Randall by swearing his way through 9-minutes of self-promotion masquerading as self-defense.
First, he refutes his own irrelevance (presumably for us calling him a “washed-up porn groupie”) by dusting off 3-porn titles made over 3 years ago and citing 6 website appearances to establish his porn star cred. Keep in mind, he retired immediately after making these scenes and then piggybacked off Zack Randall’s fame to promote Randall/Rivero, a website that would have closed long ago without Zack—Zack has at least 15 porn movies and countless web scenes to Derek’s underwhelming 9 and today remains the far-brighter star.
Nonetheless, the angry kitten continued to defend himself against us and Unzipped Media for our supposedly unfair coverage of him:
“Leave it to the bloggers… to, uh try to spin a personal situation and try to make it more like theirs… I wanna say one last thing and this is all I’m gonna fucking say because quite frankly I’m starting to feel like these people don’t understand because they’re too fucking busy thinking about cock to understand something other than fucking logic…
“Zack and I are not drama queens just because we defended ourselves… We haven’t wasted a minute on this, other than the 15 minutes that we did just trying to clear the fucking air because something like rape is serious.
“And in case you fucking stupid little bloggers like QueerClick and Unzipped Media blog cannot grasp the fact that we are fucking people, we’ve never raped anybody and if anybody says something like that, then we have the right to defend it…”
Sidestepping his murder of grammar and syntax, we’re not buying the tough guy act, princess. What the cum-tarded twink has failed to realize is that we went after Phillip Ashton for writing what he wrote about our precious Zack. We called Phillip “a jealous twink ghost, semi-coherent, accusatory, undoubtedly bonkers, professionally jealous, and catty.” In short, we stood up for Derek and Zack.
For the record, we have never—we repeat NEVER—called Rivero “a drama queen” or insinuated that he didn’t have right to defend himself against Ashton’s serious accusations. We have however called him all of the following things, arranged chronologically from past to present: 1) a hung, uncut barebacker, a devil-dicked stud, 2) the Terminator, an impervious ice queen, and a puppy euthanizer, 3) an ass puppet, an obscure fashion victim, the iciest most metallic cyborg queen of them all, a dillhole, and a fuppet, 3) Guest blogger Oscar Wilde called Rivero, Her Antarctic Highness, a snowlover with an ice-coal steamheart, and an a malfunctioned manbride, 4) a space cadet 5) a terror twink, a sassy queen, and a pot-kettle-black washed-up porn groupie with cum-flavored drivel spilling out of [his] twink mouth.
And we stand by all that, though we’ll happily throw in “hypocrite” and “liar” as well.
Just a small example of what we mean. In yesterday’s video Rivero said he was 20-years-old, but it’s 2009 and if he made his three Channel 1 videos in 2007, he must have been at least 18-years-old at the time, which would make him at least 21 now (though he looks like he’s pushing 28). While he may have pulled a Brent Corrigan and lied about his age to break into porno early, it’s more likely that he told this little white lie about his age yesterday—just another stick on his already blazing bonfire of dishonesty. UPDATE: QC’s FINAL WORD ON THE MATTER: To go along with Derek’s desire to be left alone, we’ve decided to exclude him and his website from any future QCoverage. In fact, we’ve already removed his site from the blogroll. We’ll still cover Zack because he’s awesome, but this spiteful little twink can keep living out his deluded porn fantasy without us.
The parade of tears that is Zack Randall and Derek Rivero’s “non-breakup” continues. Just to bring you up to speed: First Derek announced their breakup and then followed up the announcement with an ice-cold video press release. Then Zack won 2009 Freshman of the Year (because he’s fucking beautiful) and peed on himself some more. Then, Zack and Derek revealed that their breakup was actually just a big shadowy conspiracy by the porn world puppeteers, then they showed up at an Unzipped gala arm-in-arm to celebrate Zack’s award. Most recently, catty twink Phillip Ashton created a scathing blog accusing Derek and Zack of spousal abuse, infidelity, possessing drug paraphernalia and child rape.
Yesterday, the terror twinks released a video admitting that their entire break-up was just an ill-conceived publicity stunt for Zack’s career. While they stopped short of naming the devious mastermind behind it, they did implicate Ron Davis (aka Jim Mason), owner of BoysPissing.com. According to sassy queen Derek, Ron supposedly drunk-dialed Derek while he and Zack were in Nepal. In a pink-champagne fueled rage over the phone, Ron vowed to do everything in his power to break Zack and Derek up. Why Zack and Derek would then fake a break-up on this guy’s advice is beyond us. But twinks do strange things sometimes.
As far as Phillip Ashton goes, Derek and Zack admit that they to have to forcibly hold each other down from time to time, but that’s completely normal in a three-year relationship. Err… if you say so, boys. Completely unaware of his own porn standing, Derek then calls Ashton a washed-up porn groupie. Umm… pot-kettle-black, Mr. Rivero? We mean, you are Arsenio Hall to Mr. Randall’s Eddie Murphy, Sonny to his Cher, Ringo to his rest of The Beatles*.
We can spare you the agony of watching their fifteen-minute video by telling you that what we’ve written is infinitely more succinct and entertaining than the endless cum-flavored drivel spilling out of their twink mouths. For most of the video, you wish they’d just shut the fuck up and start making out. In the video’s final half-minute, they do and it’s the best part of the entire vid because after that, it’s thankfully over. Good job, boys. D-minus.
*this joke shamelessly stolen from The Simpsons.
A bunch of this week gossip items involved fighting, so we rounded them up at the beginning and start off with a BANG! Amid a battle between feuding twinks, Ricky Sinz also kicks some ass, some Lucas Entertainment men fight and fuck, and Sean Cody’s Harley’s health takes a blow. Check out all the action below! If you’re like us, you’ve been enjoying the dramatic breakup/notbreakup of Randall Rivero and Zack Randall—it’s like a soap opera, except with only two actors and you’ve seen both actors blow each other. Enter Phillip Ashton, a Toegasms twink who claims that the breakup was real but happened because of Rivero’s physically and emotionally abusive behavior towards Randall. He also suggests that Rivero raped a 16-year-old, left scratch marks on Randall, and that Randall’s really into Ashton. It’s the stuff of Beverly Hills 90210 re-runs and Ashton’s semi-coherent, OFT CAPITALIZED, accusatory, and swear-filled rant suggests that he’s undoubtedly bonkers. But the fight’s spilled over onto Twitter where Ashton continued to taunt Randall about not getting any work with Channel 1, Randy Blue, or Falcon; though as far as we know Mr. Ashton hasn’t got any work with them either, so…
Zack Randall responded to Ashton directly via Twitter as well:
@PhillipAshton you WISH you had me! All you have is a BoysPissing ad and that’s all you will ever have of me. Dream on
@PhillipAshton you are sad making up lies left and right cause I refused to be your room mate. It’s due to your uncontrolled insanity
@phillipashton NOBODY hires you anymore! 29 years old, balding and faded groupie of pornstars. You are no pornstars just a wanna be!
@PhillipAshton you MUST tell me where you got your crystal ball 🙂 Then you should return it cause it doesnt work 🙁
Oh please tell us more we just cant wait to hear your next lie. They are so entertaining, Im eating popcorn with Parmesan Cheese 😉
You’ve been in a mental institution before & I see u going back screaming our names and ripping your nappy hair out. Sorry but u took it far
Yes we are taking legal action because there is so much inaccuracy in this & we did not start this war, If someone is pissed we are together
Rivero goes onto claim that Ashton accessed Randall’s Twitter and bank accounts and changed the passwords just to mess with Zack. ALRIGHT, NOW EVERYONE SHUT UP! First off, all the twinks need to chill. Good. Now we all that know Derek Rivero is a space cadet and that Zack Randall drinks his own pee-pee, but you gotta wonder why Phillip Ashton bothered. In our opinion, it’s probably professional jealousy. After all, Zack’s starred in a Lucas Entertainment feature, whereas Phillip’s most auspicious role was in “Spunk Junkies.” But we’ll be keeping watch to see if this wicked little web goes into court or not!
So you may remember the “tragic” break up of hung, uncut porn pups Zack Randall and Derek Rivero (they both run RandallRivero.com). Soon after their split, Mr. Rivero delivered a “heart-rending” video press release in which he recounted the details of their breakup the same way your mother might tell you to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home.
Well, apparently that moronic video WAS ALL LIES!!!!!!1!!!!! and Zack and Derek are but mere ass-puppets in a larger, industry wide conspiracy to market Zack as a “single dude” and force Derek into bottoming on camera! You may wonder what we’re smoking, so let us share some with you. The more adorable of the pair (recent 2009 Freshman of the Year winner Zack Randall) posted a whacked out blog entry in which he gibbers incoherently about “tolerance” before quoting Derek in a interview with no confirmable source. In it, Derek weeps tears of blood over how shadowy porn entities manipulated him into staging a breakup with his piss-drinking pal:
…I was told the video would only be seen by bloggers and industry people for the purpose of it advancing mainly Zacks career with a singles man image. It wasn’t until after we saw how the video was used that we realized the game that these entities were playing with our images…
there are forces in high places involved in this fabrication and it was they who orchestrated the entire “break-up”. Careers were threatened and promises of success were made all in exchange for the public demise of our relationship… it’s scary to think that these forces have so much to gain and receive so much pleasure in causing so much damage to our public image as a couple.
Yes, Derek… it’s scary alright. Scary like a BIG DILDO!!! But there’s more horrors to come, young reader! Derek reads QueerClick and knows that we called him the iciest cyborg queen of them all. And he’d like to explain why he came off as so icy and metallic. Truth is, he was POSSESSED BY A LIE DEMON!!!!1!:
I did look robotic but only because what I was saying was not the truth and it was hurtful to even pretend that what I was saying was even remotely true. If I seemed to be holding back its only because I didn’t actually agree or believe the lies I was fed and conveying. You try memorizing a speech you didnt even write while knowing its all lies. Anyone who knows me can see that I am not being myself in that video and that I was doing something that went against everything I believe in.
And the kicker? The dark mastermind behind Derek’s forced VLOG OF UNTRUTH then set up a fake YouTube account in his name and uploaded the video press release to infect the minds of millionsthousands a few gullible porn bloggers!!!!
BEWARE YE PORN COUPLES AND PORN BLOG READERS—your hearts and minds are but playthings in capitalism’s gay claws. Why won’t they let Zack drink his piss in peace and leave his obscure fashion victim boyfriend alone?!! Don’t we all have enough trouble without spreading lies about Zack, forcing Derek to make YouTube videos, or calling them names like “fuppets” or “dillholes”?
But this dark tale has a “happy” ending! The “good” “news” is that she-borg Derek and piss pig Zack are still “together” and “”very much “in love.”” Ugh… and just when we thought we might have a crack at Zack’s crack, we find out that he’s still “married”! Oh, it’s enough to make us slam our bedroom doors shut and cry unicorn tears on our black lace pillows!
“Thanks” to Unzipped for this deformed news nugget.
About one month ago, we announced the five finalists for the 2009 Freshman of the Year and of the five studly finalists, heartthrob Zack Randall came out on top.
Congratulations, Zack! We know you just broke up with that Ice Queen, Randall Rivero and so this is truly a golden shower day. Maybe with the award, we’ll see you in some new film action. Your hung, uncut, piss-play, versatility takes our breath away!
Runner-up went to accomplished bottom Kirk Cummings, though you may be interested to know that Zack Randall did not win Freshman of the Year among our readers. He got second. And first? The hung, hairy, and handsome Trent Davis (Zack got second on our poll).
Umm… creepy. To explain the consequences of his recent break-up with Zack Randall, Derek Rivero delivers a “heartfelt” video press release with all the warmth of the Terminator. He looks like a villain from that old soap opera Dynasty, an impervious ice queen just ready to slap another wealthy bitch and wrestle around with her in a luxurious bedroom.
Or maybe he’s more like the cold veterinarian that explains, “It is for the best interest of Puddles the puppy that we put him to sleep immediately. Although you will no doubt be upset, months of explosive diarrhea have weakened Puddles beyond repair. After this injection however, you will have many more delightful animals from which to choose.”
We got so much spank-mileage from your relationship with piss pup Zack Randall that all the new porn in cyberspace will never be able to take its place, Mr. Rivero. Do you hear us??? NEVER!!!
The semi-famous gay porn couple of hung, uncut piss-drinker Zack Randall and hung, uncut barebacker Derek Rivero have just announced their break-up. And we’d be sadder, except that it means that these two both men have just gone back on the market!!! That’s right… IT’S OPEN SEASON, BOYS!!! We’ve got some hot piss ready, just for you, Zacky Poo! And Derek, you devil-dicked stud, come here and, uh… (ahem) put on this condom.
Derek delivered the heart-breaking, boner-inducing news earlier today:
Change is inevitable and most times it occurs for the best of reasons. I have always kept the intimate details of my personal life private and will continue to do so as it brings me such peace of mind. However I find that it is my responsibility to address an issue that will most likely get more attention than it deserves.
Recently it has been mutually decided by myself and Zack Randall that it would be in our best interest to officially separate and end our relationship of two years. This end, however, is not to be analyzed as something of a negative nature for we are still great friends and I wish him much luck and great fortune in any of his future ventures.
I ask that this matter be treated discreetly and positively so that all parties involved may resume their lives in a mature and responsible manner.
We aren’t the first and we wont be the last.
As a result RandallRivero.Com will undergo an entire redesign and will reemerge as BoyBoulevard By Derek Rivero.
Please be assured that the best course of action is to move forward peacefully and not to dwell in the insignificant details of a short lived love affair. It is crucial for this relationship to have a happy conclusion free from rumors, lies and external misinformation. At this time it is best if we simply allow for all this to fade away into the past where it truly belongs.
