GAY vs. GAY: Batman vs The Hulk
Both The Incredible Hulk and The Dark Knight have returned to blow summer audiences… away. Though Batman’s expected to best The Hulk at the box office, which one wears the crown when it comes to being Queen of Gayness? Let’s take a closer look (our evidence comes from general knowledge and their most recent films)…
GAY ORIGINS
HULK: Working for the U.S. military (don’t ask, don’t tell), Bruce Banner&mdash sounds like a 1970’s porn name&mdash does top-secret experiments with human DNA (re: semen). He suc-cumbs to extreme gamma radiation (like a sleeping guy in tanning bed) feeling “better than ever”… with a brand new secret identity (wink, wink).
BATMAN: After a rousing night of theater (Xanadu, perhaps?), a thug shoots Bruce Wayne’s parents dead. As an adult, Bruce goes on a manhunt for the guy who did the dirty deed. But Bruce is disappointed to find someone has shot a load on the thug before he could. Later, he spends hard time in an Asian prison and in the mountains with a secret men’s organization (like Falcon’s The Other Side of Aspen).
GAY COSTUME
HULK: Fashion be damned, the Hulk knows a kickin’ body is the best accessory. The scantily clad Hulk wears skin tight shirts that rip off as soon as he “hulks-out” (an impressive dance floor trick). He also wears purple denim cut-offs that show off his monstrous quads and incredible ass (power bottom, anyone?).
BATMAN: Batman’s more a leather, S&M type, subjecting himself to rigorous morning workouts and spending lots of time alone in the Batcave coming up with new (ass) toys. He’s all about matching accessories that are stylish and functional. His smart and sassy utility belt also packs a grappling gun for when he finds himself nose-deep in a hairy spot.
GAY GIVEAWAY
HULK: Though The Hulk expresses his tender side through martial arts and meditation, he’s a total drama queen and with a psychotically short fuse. He bottles up his true feelings about being constantly picked on, his estranged father, and his preference for cats and lets it out at the worst times (like during his weekend at San Francisco). Emotionally repressed guys can be killer in the sack, though.
BATMAN: Playboy Bruce is pretty secretive and cagey about his feelings and personal life. He just can’t seem to make any female relationship work&mdash some, like Poison Ivy and Catwoman, want him dead. His fly-by-night antics make it difficult for him to commit to any person, though he has had a some luck with his butt-ler Alfred and his young, nubile “ward” Robin (so young, so impressionable).
Which superhero seems super-gay to you? Tell us your thoughts?
