QColumn: A Gay In The Life: 2000-Date

2000-Date
By Steve Prince
“You have to get dirt on him!” Troy demanded over the phone.
“Sugar,” I said sympathetically, “I don’t think there is that much dirt to get.”
“But he’s so yummy,” Troy said with a lecherous tone that hinted at Troy’s dirty side. “Boys that cute have got something in their closets.”
Kelly was cute. I had met Kelly a couple of months ago while going to see Cody dance at MJ’s. Kelly had just started volunteering at the call center and Cody trained him. Troy had seen him come into the office and was immediately enthralled.
“Can you believe he’s thirty-one?” Troy asked. “I totally think he looks twenty-four.”
“Well, of course,” I said stating the obvious. “You do like to take the youngin’s to Rim Town.”
“Mmmm,” Troy purred like a kitten being stroked. Troy really liked rimming guys. Okay let’s be honest—Troy loved rimming guys like I love eating Awesome Blossoms from Outback Steakhouse. I seriously think he’d love nothing better than to watch 80’s re-runs of Days of Our Lives while rimming some cute, young, hairless, blonde, twenty-four-year-old guy. He’d never leave the house.
“I would take him to Rim Town,” Troy responded, as if reading my mind. “I bet his ass is so smooth.”
“You’re obsessed,” I said lovingly.
“I know,” Troy said. I could imagine his confident, cute smirk over the phone.
“So you’re gonna do it?” he asked.
“Yes,” I sighed giving in. “I’ll do it, but exactly what information do you want me to find out?”
“You know,” he replied, “basic ground work questions.”
“Um,” I paused, “define basic.”
“Really, Steve?” Troy chided. “You know, for someone who writes about sex every week, you sure have a lot to learn about dating.”
I couldn’t argue with that. I know dick about dating—literally this year. I mean yeah, I’ve taught a twink how to suck cock, almost gotten arrested because of Britney, and dabbled with a player, but most of my experience this year has pretty much been about hooking up. And I don’t regret it. Oh holy crap do I NOT regret it. Sex is great, sex is amazing, sex, in part, makes me who I am. However, after I cum and the guy goes home… what’s left?

For the longest time I would tell people that I don’t date because I don’t have to. I would say things like, Oh well, I’m soo lucky to be gay, because I don’t have to conform to straight people’s norms of what I should be doing in my dating life. That was partly true, but the real truth became apparent once the cumstains had dried and the lube had been put away—a part of me still wanted someone there.
That’s where 2000-DATE comes in.
I decided that this year I would take charge of my dating life, and really branch out. A year to inspire me to date, a year that will overwhelm me with choices, a year that had about as much relationship chemistry as The Clintons. Now that December is here, I realize I haven’t even grown little baby leaves, let alone branch out. I don’t mean to beat myself up, but it is what it is. But this could change things.
As Troy listed questions he would like me to ask Kelly, I decided to use this as a practice date. Dating was getting to know someone, right? Well, that’s what I would be doing; I would get to know Kelly—for Troy. And the perfect part is I didn’t like Kelly, so I didn’t have to worry about developing feelings for him.
With this newfound confidence and Troy’s approval, a week later I arrived to volunteer for my five-hour shift at the volunteer call center. I arrived first and just as I got settled, I heard the click of the office door open in the other room.
A cheery voice rang out, “Anyone here?”
“Come on in, sugar,” I called. Oh, I’m so breezy. I turned from my computer to face Kelly.
As soon as he saw me, he smiled.
“Hey…uh,” he paused, trying to remember my name, “Steve, right?”
“Yeah, hi,” I pretended to think, “uh…Kelly right?”
“Yep,” he said, “good memory.”
I wanted to say, actually my memory’s usually shitty except that one of my best friends wants to eat your ass like the buffet at The Sizzler. Instead, I decided a simple “thanks” would suffice.
For about ten minutes we both checked our e-mail and we didn’t say much. I had the feeling we weren’t going to be answering a lot of calls. That’s one of the beauties of volunteering at a call center where no one calls—it basically becomes a five-hour date. That’s also one of the shitty parts about volunteering at a call center. If no one calls—it’s basically like a five-hour date. You’re stuck there, sugar. It all depends on who’s working with you.
It felt it was time to go with my opener question: “So how did you like having my friend Cody as a mentor?”
“Oh,” Kelly smiled. I normally don’t like it when guys have a gap between their two front teeth, but something about Kelly’s flawed smile made him all the more endearing. “Cody is so much fun… and dirty!”
And then, like clockwork, I began firing off the questions that Troy instructed me to: Are you from LA? When did you come out? What’s your family like? How did you start volunteering? What do you do for work? When was your last relationship? I was fearless.
I had planned on totally dominating the conversation with questions, but the trouble is Kelly kept asking me questions back. What did I like to read? How did I like school? Did I like dogs? Was I single? Also when I would make a joke, Kelly always seemed to find it funny. I had to admit—he did seem nice. Troy had good taste.
Four hours later, I found myself completely forgetting about my agenda and just enjoying myself in our conversation.
“Wow,” Kelly looked up, “I can’t believe it’s time to go.”
“Oh,” I said in surprise. I hadn’t noticed the time as well. Dammit. I was planning on getting around to talking about my friends, and then talking about Troy. I never got to that part. Shit. Shit, shit, shit!
“I had so much fun working with you,” Kelly said. “We should hang out, maybe grab a drink.”
“Or a museum!” I spurted it out without thinking.
“Yeah,” Kelly said, taken aback at my excitement but pleasantly surprised, “I could definitely do a museum.”
What the fuck was I doing? Why did I say that! I like going to the museum but I don’t know if Troy does. I mean, I think he would, but…grrr! Why did I say that? I can’t even date for my friends without making an ass out of myself. Now I have to explain to Troy that he has to go to a museum.
“Well why don’t I get your number?” Kelly asked so casually and with such ease that it took me aback.
“Huh?” I responded absent-mindedly. Suddenly I snapped back into reality. “My number? You want my number?” As I kept talking my voice kept going up higher and higher, much like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. I sounded like a fucking cartoon.
Kelly looked put off, “Is that okay?”
“Oh yeah,” I said over compensating, “I love giving out my number. I mean… I uh …am totally comfortable with giving out my number… I mean …uh… Troy gives out his number… and I… you know… uh… have… um… a… uh… number.”
Kelly smiled. Scribbled on a piece of paper, and handed it to me.
“Here,” he said, “why don’t you take my number and you can give me call.”
I took the piece of paper and nodded my head. I could feel myself blush. “Okay,” I said calmly. “Cool…”
Kelly threw his messenger bag over his shoulder and gave me a hug, a tight hug with no pat. There was no friendly patting of the back. My stomach tickled.
“Have a good night,” he said letting go of me. He began to walk away but then he turned and grinned, “Sugar.” I heard the door click shut behind him.
A faint smile bloomed on my face and I turned to gather my things. My phone blinked a text… from Troy.
How’s it going?
Shit the bed. I really am not good at this dating thing.
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles—he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot