QColumn: A Gay In The Life: The Best

The Best
By Steve Prince
“Am I an idiot?” Alex asked, wide-eyed and fearful.
“No, sugar,” I responded with a wave of my hand. “We’ve all been there.” I looked down at my coffee.
Out of all my friends, Alex is definitely the most optimistic. Whenever one of us has a problem, Alex always considers the alternatives and reminds us of our strengths. It’s obvious that he’s a good attorney; no matter how hard you try to throw a pity party, Alex always talks you out of it.
The funny thing is, as good as Alex can talk me out of being a Debbie Downer, he does a damn good job of talking himself into doubt. I mean, he was raised in Columbia in a fairly strict Catholic family—maybe he’s just really used to Catholic guilt. Whatever the reason, I’m always shocked by his lapses of confidence. He’s successful, very attractive, very fit, and he lives in a beautiful condo right of Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica. That said, he’s also one of the most loyal, kind-hearted guys I know. So as he’s talking to me I sometimes want to say SNAP OUT OF IT, YOU’RE PERFECT. Alas, I don’t. Why? Because he’s my friend and I love him for his insecurities.
“I’m a terrible person,” Alex gulped between sips of his sparkling water. “I mean, here I am with this great guy and I can’t even focus on him. I have to think about two strangers pumping at one another. I’m fucked up.”
“Sweetie,” I said trying to add my best no-nonsense mother voice. “You’re not fucked up. You’re human. So you thought about someone else during sex. You shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“I know Stevie, but I like this guy.” Alex paused. “I don’t want to mess things up.”
Alex had been dating Richard for a while now. We actually called the guy, Richard Gere, because he did resemble Mr. Gere. I had met him once at a Prop 8 protest. Richard oozed charm. His grey-flecked hair perfectly complimented his soft green eyes. Because Richard was fourteen years older than Alex, I could see why he would intimidate Alex. Richard held a job as a CEO, he had several adult children, and his life seemed complete. It was almost as if Alex was seeing Richard they way I often see Alex, as perfect.
“Okay,” I said trying to get a handle on things. “Tell me what happened again.”

“OK,” Alex said setting down his drink. “We had this great date, and I mean great. We went for a late lunch and we had amazing conversation. He’s so smart. Then we went for a walk on the beach and he held my hand. And then we went back to my house. We were making out for so long. He’s such a good kisser, but when we got to the sex part I got real nervous. I dunno.”
“So, why do you think you had to think about porn?” I asked already knowing the answer.
“I don’t know.” Alex said searching for the words. “I…just…uh…I mean, I just couldn’t focus on him.”
“And why couldn’t you think about him.” I prodded leaning back in my chair.
Alex paused and grinned as if he had caught me in a prank. “Because I was scared.”
“Of?” I said wanting him to say it.
“Because I was scared of being that close to him!” Alex said with the click of clarity. “Okay, I get it. Yes, I haven’t liked a guy this much in a long time. I get it. God, its sounds like I’m in a Lifetime movie.”
“Sugar, we are a Lifetime movie. But hey, it’s the truth, and you can’t do better than that.” I smiled, glad that he got there. “There’s no way you’re going to be able to think about someone during sex, if you are scared to commit to them emotionally.” It’s so easier to help other people with their problems. If only I could help myself in the same way. Why couldn’t I just step out of myself whenever I am all caught up in the situation?
“I agree, that totally makes sense.” Alex said. “Well, I have learned from this. I have decided I’m not watching porn anymore. And I’m not jacking off.”
“Wait, wait wait!” I stopped him. “Let’s not get crazy here.”
He continued. “I mean, at first it’s just enough looking at a guy jack off, then it’s hot watching two men fuck, but then that’s not enough, so you watch a group scene, but then that’s still not enough. Before you know it you’re watching a gang bang on a naval ship bored out of your mind.” Alex sighed. “I think porn just perpetuates an unrealistic picture of what gay sex is like.”
“Well,” I said, being a little defensive. “A lot of that is true, but no jacking off?”
“No, no jacking off to porn.” Alex smirked. “Stevie, you look anxious.” His tone seemed to hold the feeling of a tiger cub waiting to pounce on a sibling cub during play. “Maybe someone else watches porn a little too much? Maybe you’re…” He paused from dramatic flair, “…addicted?”
“I am NOT!” What a total lie. I only look at porn everyday because it’s part of my job. I opened my mouth to say it, but Alex stopped me.
“One week,” he said holding up one finger in the air.
I stared at him wide-eyed. Were we really doing this?
“One week without jacking off to porn,” he said treacherously.
“No biggie,” I said shrugging and taking a sip of my coffee. My insides were thinking Oh God! I imagined having to wear black and say goodbye to my good friends. Goodbye Colby Keller. Goodbye Leo Giamani. Oh and good bye Marcello, in fact good-bye to all my Latinjocks—please whisper more Spanish that I don’t understand while I’m gone. And be strong my friends, I’ll be back. Maybe I would wear a black veil and perform a candlelight vigil with hemp and lube.
“Yeah, we’ll see,” Alex quipped. “Now, you can’t even look at porn. You can only jack off with you and your thoughts.”
“But what about my job?” I argued.
“Well, if you do this. I’m sure you’ll have something to write about.” Alex finished, draining the last of his water. “Winner buys dinner.” We shook on it.
So here I am, taking my friend’s advice and writing about this project; this bet that I have no desire to participate in or win for that matter. But Alex did have a point.
When I think about what I truly want from gay sex—at least in a romantic way—porn doesn’t seem to mirror any of my own true desires. Don’t get me wrong. I love porn and it does have its place, but I might be indulging a little bit too much.
This bet is also making me think about the kind of porn I watch, which is a lot of “straight” guys fucking. I wondered: what does this say about how I think about myself? I mean, watching a straight guy have gay sex is totally a turn on for me, yet this doesn’t really acknowledge a huge part of me, which is gay love. Part of being gay is being sexual with men, but it’s just as important as loving men. It’s emotional. Let’s be honest, I pretty much only watch porn where someone doing the sucking, prodding, or begging is “straight.”
When I thought about this, I felt a bit insulted. Why isn’t the love that I identify with—the love between two men—sexy? Why is that overlooked? When I think back upon my sexual history I do not remember a great threesome I had or hot passionate sex; I remember a connection. I remember feeling vulnerable, but safe. I remember feeling sexy, hot, and understood. I remember feeling validated.
Before Alex and I left the coffee shop, we agreed that Sunday night, tomorrow night, the bet would begin. So of course, I gouged my eyes on porn Saturday night and tried to get it out of my system for a week. The next day, Sunday, we were on. I didn’t really think about it at all during the day. This was going to be a piece of cake.
That night I sat on my bed and pulled my laptop up to check my email. Then I checked CNN, and then I went to look at porn—DAMMIT! I completely forgot. I was just going through my routine. Email, CNN, Porn, Facebook. Now I’m supposed to just skip to Facebook. That’s not the plan! I almost slipped up; when did porn become such a part of my day? Jeezus… this was going to be harder than I thought… literally.
Will he make it? Come back next week, for Steve’s day-to-day account…
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles—he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition