PataPORN With Chinpoko

I’ve seen a lot of dick this year, and I’ve penetrated a lot of ass. 2009 was good year for me, but is it wrong that in 2010 I think I can get even more ass? Hey, a dick has to have goals. Well, sadly this week’s post didn’t help to turn me on at all. In fact, you are about to read this year’s top 5 WORST posts from this year. I know it may be hard, but you must read on; it’s important to know our history. And learning from our mistakes enables us to make better porn. So let’s trod on dear fans, because it’s time for PATAPORN WITH CHINPOKO!!!!!!

Maximo Latino: Nico
You all know how I feel about bad hair. Over the year, I have cited several instances of where hot boys went wrong with bad hair.
Coming in at numero cinco—that’s Spanish for five, people—for this year’s worst posts, is Nico from Maximo Latino. He has, in my cocky opinion, the worst hair of all.
What makes Nico the saddest hair tragedy is that he has the most to offer. Look at that face, look at those abs, look at that raging hard-on. It’s like a beautifully wrapped present topped with the most pathetic, shittiest little bow ever. His hair actually looks like one of the models for a Supercuts. Ah, such a waste. I can only hope he read my first post and got a haircut.

Bel Ami: Giorgio Carrera
Next on our “bottom five list”(tee hee, I just can’t say “bottom” without giggling) is a Bel Ami post that just made me…wander.
Giorgio is gorgeous. That thick hair, that beautifully tanned skin, those supple-ass lips…yum. In fact, I don’t blame him for this critical lack of judgment at all. In fact, I blame the artistic director—or in the case, the florist.
Yes, the florist! Because for some friggin’ reason someone at Bel Ami thought it would be good to have Giorgio photographed with a huge motherfucking sunflower. I know I said this earlier, but he really does look like a porn version of a Cabbage Patch Kid. It’s just so not right.
Thankfully, Bel Ami listened to my direction and they have now nixed the distasteful photos and have gone with barebacking twins—because that’s classy.

Cocky Boys: The Clark Brothers
And talking about brothers, number three on the worst list is a tale of un-brotherly love.
Yeah, brothers my ass! Seth and Bobby our supposed to be siblings who like to get off together. This is not the reality. Instead this video’s just a bumbling of dialogue and a hurried sloppy cumshot. (Yes, not sloppy in a good way).
As I said before, my least favorite part of this video is the detachment between the two guys. They don’t even look at one another while jacking off. They stare fixedly upon the porn playing before them. I don’t get it. Do they think that if they actually look at one another, they might have some homosexual inclinations…?
NEWSFLASH!!! YOU’RE JACKING OFF TOGETHER!!!!!!
I must reference Bel Ami again and say they’ve really pushed the ante now. I mean come on! Unless you’re getting a facial from your sibling who just barebacked fucked you then you’re not brothers. Right? There’s a new standard in sibling porn, boys. Get with it!

Randy Blue: When A Stranger Cums
This video titled, “When A Stranger Cums”, should be called “When a Stranger is Bored Off Their Ass.”
This was Randy Blue’s video just in time for Halloween and it was scary—scary how bad it is. The most horrifying part of this video is the acting, though Dawson’s fake hair color comes in a frightening second.
The reason this video is bottoming out at number two is because Randy Blue can do so much better. In fact he did just that—the Halloween before. His Halloween Chris Rockway video is probably one of my most favorite videos—ever. EVER.

Next Door Buddies: Justin Jameson and Andrew Blue
So what’s the worst of the worst? What is the porn that should be forgotten? What is less hot than watching a Kardashian squelching out a silver-spoon-baby used purely for publicity?
Well, our number one WORST video of 2009 is none other than…
Justin Jameson in Next Door Buddies. I think my original post says it all…

“I love that Justin Jameson has a hot body, nice ass, and looks COMPLETELY relaxed in these pictures. Oh yeah, his face looks like he’s been meditating on the meaning of life for days and now all that radiates from it is peace. He doesn’t look constipated in the pictures at all. Nooooo! (Chinpoko nodding his head yes).

I also love that Justin doesn’t try and have some weird posed face for every shot—you know, like a cross between Zoolander and Dieter from Saturday Night Live’s Sprockets sketch. Oh no… he just looks completely relaxed… oh, and NATURAL! Yes, most of all Justin looks natural, soooo natural in fact that if you look up natural in the dictionary, Justin’s face is right there.

And I’m so glad he was a terrible poser in pictures, because it didn’t ruin the porn for me… he always made a face like eating a lemon.

Yeah, I loved this video so much that I think right about now I’d like a circumcision with out pain medication… that’d be just fine.”

I still agree with everything I wrote. What is even more sad is that Justin is a gorgeous, gorgeous man. I’ve actually met him. I couldn’t stop staring at him and he’s smart as a whip. In fact, I think he’s one of the hottest bottoms out there, but that posing mug just ruins it. I would definitely have to put a flag over his face and just fuck him for Glory. You didn’t know I was patriotic, did you?
Whew! So that’s a wrap for 2009! Now on to 2010. I think it’s going to be a great year of sex, sex, rimming, and more sex. In fact, next week Pataporn is going to be debuting a new look as well as some new features. No I’m not telling you now; I’m a tease! So start the New Year safely and (say it with me) get out there and get turned on! PATA PATA!