Ask QC: I fear I may becoming Bi

Hi QC,

A little background: I am from a country where homosexuality is practically unknown in the social milieu and is only to be found in a closet somewhere or practised behind closed doors under the guise of friendly sleepovers. Well, things are changing, we have queer communities now, and major cities witness yearly pride parades, but in small towns it’s still a taboo.

About myself: I am 27, and ever since I was a kid I have known I am gay – I have only ever been attracted to men and boys. Being shy and withdrawn, I never had any romances until I was around 24. And then since I’d had a long wait, I went all in and had a string of casual affairs. There were some semi-serious relationships, but the time was never right and something always went wrong and so, they never fully blossomed. To be clear, I am not ashamed of my sexuality and don’t hate myself for it, although never being well endowed in the looks department or the charms department, and finding gays flaky and kind of superficial (well, I don’t want to agree with this, but it’s what I’ve heard/faced), I’ve been disillusioned by the whole thing. I have only had sex with men.

As for girls, I have never found them sexually appealing, although I can appreciate the female beauty – I just don’t find anything sexual about it, at least until now. You see, I have always wondered, and more so lately, what it would be like to be with a girl and it’s the sexual side of things that has put me off – besides the fact that I may never feel emotionally attached to a girl. But then I think it may not be so bad either way. We are all people in the end, so it shouldn’t be that hard to connect emotionally with another, man or woman. And sexually I have begun to be not so repulsed by the female body, especially after seeing videos of FTM transexuals with vaginas, that I strangely found attractive despite different genitalia.

Now when I see an attractive girl, my mind gets flooded with all these doubts, and I am afraid I might be attracted sexually to her, and by denying that I am being dishonest with myself. I am thoroughly confused. Am I bi now? Or am I subconsciously inuring myself to the reality that I will never be accepted as a gay and therefore have to be bi? Or am I avoiding the pain of coming out?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

MM

Hi MM and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Defining ones sexuality in a world that is mostly predjudiced against gay, bi and transgender can be confusing at best, especially growing up in a country that has less than liberal views. Labelling or pigeon holing ones sexuality is also rather limiting so one should not hold back to the idea of exploration if there are still doubts or uncertainty. Over the years Ask QC has had a few difering questions on this topic and you may find some useful advice here, Ask QC: I’m Bi-sexual and Confused, Ask QC: I kissed a girl… and liked it, Ask QC: He’s Bi Now and Ask QC: Am I Going Straight? . And we are sure that our dear QC readers can give more specific advice to your particular situation too. If you can help MM in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section!
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