In the past, we’ve advocatedlying on your online profile to meet men. How wrong we were. Honesty is the best policy. No, it won’t get you laid, but darn it feels good. So today, we wanna take the masks off and show you what’s really behind the online profiles. Behind all those words and promises of alluring sex are REAL MEN with REAL EMOTIONS and CAPS LOCK. Don’t turn away! Embrace them! Maybe you’ve seen them before. Maybe you’ve even been them before… there’s no shame.
Oh wait, yes there is.
Thanks to Manhunt Daily for the vid.
We know some of you don’t like female breasts, but we had to share this with you. You know how some people say, “Leave well enough alone?” Here’s a guy who should have taken that advice. He’s already kinda cute in a jock douchebag kinda way, but those new boobs just aren’t him.
Don’t turn away. Look into his MOOBS! And stay until at least the 0:54 mark, because that’s when the dancing begins and the real horror starts. Let this be a lesson to us all: boob jobs work best on women.
Between the brainless ogres asking you “Sup?” and the attractive men who never return your e-mails, online dating can be a demoralizing experience. How’s a guy supposed to get the man of his creams online? This video has some practical advice; namely, lie and use Photoshop. Now instead of spending countless hours at the gym or actually developing a personality, you can just sit in front of your cum-encrusted keyboard and watch your inbox become stuffed with e-mails. And if the man of your creams feel disappointed with the real you, you can always offer yourself up for revenge-sex. It’s not love, but it comes angrily in your eyes close.
QC Porn favorite,Steve Cruz, made an appearance on Late Night With Conan O’Brien tonight…or at least his picture did. Conan used it to hawk a fake pre-airport security service called “Security Fluffer” that will help you undergo a full-body scan with security, pride, and a huge bulge.
But according to Cruz, Conan’s got the wrong idea about the fringe benefits of gay porn. Conan may have also outed the star to his mother’s friends:
LOL! Excuse me? Despite what most people assume about my ‘cushy’ job the one thing we don’t get is a fluffer. Wouldn’t it be nice?!
Makes for an interesting skit on Conan. I don’t know about you but the Tonight Show makes the idea of an airport blow job at the security check point seem pretty hot.
Air travel post Underwear Bomber— we now get padded down. Or at least Bruno and I did on the way home from LAX last week… I swear I felt a grope. I wasn’t sure of he was looking for explosives or taking my inseam.
Anyway… my mother is going to be wrecked when I tell her I made the Tonight Show. She’s been telling all her friends I’m an ‘underwear’ model. —Whoops!
It’s no wonder an airport cop tried to cop a feel. Cruz is lucky the cop didn’t mistake his cock for a deadly weapon—we’ve seen Cruz assault more than a few men with it. Of course, if they’d taken Cruz in for an anal cavity search, they’d have had to give him a reach-around just to stop his moaning.
We interrupt our regular schedule to bring you something to break the monotony of hot boys on QC – A Walrus Autofellatio!!
I didn’t know they have such long schloooongs! Are their counterparts’ punanis deep enough to accommodate that? Video after the jump!
You may wonder “who the hell ever came up with the nonsense of taking a knife to a baby’s cock?” You’ll discover all that and more in this short religious farce. Sister Regina Adolph gets the chance of a lifetime when a nice man on the street offers to sell her “The Holy Foreskin of Jesus.” But will she be left holding her (or His) dick?
Just a warning: you already know how much we like praising Our Lord and Saviour, so if you’re offended by this sort of thing, we suggest you go here instead.
Christmas can be a lonely time of year, especially if you don’t have someone special to roast your chestnuts on an open fire. But Match.com wants to remind you that the right guy is just waiting for you. Like this gentleman above. He’s handsome, expressive, and honest. And even though he mentions titties, we’re not so sure that he’s straight. For one thing, that lisp. For another, who wants to put their dick in “all up in your guts” and “spray your tubes”? In fact, he seems less like any gay guy we’ve ever met and more like a horned up cock hound ready to fuck whatever comes along next, whether it’s you or a stray animal—cocaine is a powerful drug.
Last time we hung out with drag comedianJackie Beat, she explained the joys of Chinese lead poisoning, female genital mutilation, and the KKK to her judgmental friends. Now she’s come out with a disco parody entitled Don’t Tell Me You’re Gay and it’s uproarious! Not only are the lyrics raunchy and bitchy, but the video also features hunky LA party promoter Mario Diaz—hubba hubba!
You may remember Lurid Digs, the blog that lampoons shitty home furnishings of gay nude photos. Or the Sticky entitled “What his bedroom tells you about him”. We decided to combine those ideas and critique the furnishings apparent in a few of our most recent posts, just to decode the message these studios are sending about themselves and their models. New York Straight Men: Smackdown
New York apartments are expensive. That’s why NYSM has converted their tiny place into a combination porn studio/wrestling ring/living room/suck dungeon, using the folding screen to hide their roommate. Also, having a ew pleather couches, shitty rugs, and lamps make the space feel less empty, unlike a New Yorker’s heart. Bel Ami: Josh Elliot and Sascha Chaykin Bel Ami’s men are first-rate, but their hodge-podge of imported furnishings make every scene look like they took place in a gay bed-and-breakfast or a cologne commercial from the 80’s—very glamorous (for Eastern Europe). We personally think that wicker furniture should be saved for sun rooms and retirement communities, but we guess it’s easier to replace once Bel Ami’s guys fuck it apart. Mason Wyler: Mason and Taylor Aims
Hooking up with Mason has its own risks. For one, what if this notorious bottom decides to ram you with his man packer, instead? Second off, he’s liable to say all sorts of horrible things about you smuggling meth in your butthole. And thirdly, he’s like the Norman Bates of porn. We’re pretty sure “his” bedroom belongs to his grandma and that he’s got several “actors” stashed away somewhere. But his otherwise blah furnishings ensure his monstercock remains the star.
Four more scenes decoded, after the jump!
Just so you know, the advice given is this video isn’t for everyone. For one, it’s so extreme that we contemplated posting this on QCX. And secondly, if you’re not a straight, aging, somewhat unattractive D-list comedian with a nearly non-existent career, then Bobby Cannavale’s advice won’t do you a lick of good. However, it could be the only thing that saves Louis C.K.’s skin. And who knows? Maybe another desperate celebrity will take Mr. Cannavale’s advice when their own career goes flaccid—after watching this, you’ll know what to expect!
Via Sticky.
There are sometimes when you gotta have comfort and other times when you gotta have style. For Minnesota Vikings quarterback, Brett Favre, the Really Tiny Wrangler Jean Short provides both. Whenever he’s going to drive deep with a bunch of tight ends, there’s nothing he’d rather in the huddle. They’re comfortable, practical, and let your balls really hang out—y’know… like a man! This video shows you just how easy it is to score when you have the right equipment… right, Brett? You could quarterback us anytime.
Mason Wyler gets lots of fan mail, mostly from guys trying to win his “Who wants to fuck me” contest. But every now and then, a fan will reach out to Mason with more than just his dick and try to make an impact on more than just Mason’s ass.
One fan in particular watches Mason’s work, but wants him to repent for having made it. Is this a Christian case of “love the porn, hate the porn actor”? Let’s see…
The fan’s letter to Mason’s agent begins:
A pretty standard opening for a fan letter, though if he wants to (ahem) “get in touch with” Mason, he’d better take a number and have several hundred IN CASH. You can’t swipe a credit card through Mason’s buttcheeks, no siree. The fan continues…
I want to introduce Jesus Christ to Him; I have prayed for him, and I know Jesus will save him from hell. I don\’t want him to go there.
He probably doesn’t want Mason to go to Hell so he can spend an eternity in Heaven singing hymns and drinking Jesus juice next to the big-dicked bottom. We have it on good authority that the gay sex in Hell is much hotter (7th circle, 3rd level here we cum!). And besides, angels don’t have genitals. Everybody knows that they’re smooth as Smurfs.
But anyway, the fan continues…
Please tell him he needs to read the Bible and start a relationship with Jesus as soon as possible!
Jesus has better things for him.
So Jesus wants a relationship with Mason, huh? Well that’s great because Mason just broke up with his boyfriend! We hope Jesus is a top.
Wait… of course he is. After all, he was [[extends arms out to each side]] hung like this! But before Mason could accept, the fan had one last shout out from Big Baby J:
In the name of jesus Christ I declare he will repent and he will follow Him!
Thank you!
That’s great and all. But haven’t you heard the Good News, brother? Mason’s already living a very holey lifestyle. Many a time he’s knelt down and communed with his fellow man to receive the spirit. In fact, he’s literally bent over backwards for it. We’re sure he has so much spirit pumped deep inside of him that it’s flowing through his heart and out his ears—you can even see it in his pearly white smile. Mason’s capacity for love and service is very deep and he’s been spreading it further and wider than any other evangelist we’ve ever seen (well, except for maybe Ted Haggard and Jim Baker). Mason Wyler may be a Godless slut, but he’s our Godless slut. So you can pray all you want, just don’t prey on him. Whatever and ever… Amen.
PS. We’re going to Hell for posting that picture of Baby J. And if it it made you smile, you’re going to Hell too.
When Simon Dexter left porn (he was that popular model on that popular site) to pursue a “legitimate” modeling career, our big brown eyes shed a collective coffee-colored tear. We worried that we’d never again see his sexy ass in action. But perhaps the porn gods heard our lament, because this weekend porn promoter David Forest alerted us that Simon Dexter is available for “private meetings”! Private meetings?! Like board room meetings?! That’s awesome!!! Usually private meetings are so boring. But with Simon Dexter presenting a talk, our attention spans would elongate by at least 6 or 7 inches, er, we mean, hours. And we bet he makes a mean PowerPoint presentation. We thought that the new Simon Dexter was all business and no play—that is, until we saw that Forest’s e-mail included the following picture: So, let us get this right: Simon’s decided to curtail his gay XXX work, yet he’s still showing his fat uncut cock in business e-mails? Don’t get us wrong… our work inboxes were stuffed with dicks even before we started working for QC. But if Simon’s fat hog is also attending the meeting, then it’s probably gonna be less about spreadsheets and more about cum sprays. Simon would certainly put the MEAT back in meetings. But what is Simon Dexter qualified talk about other than modeling, appendicitis, and taking cocks? There probably won’t be a lot of strategic planning so much as grunting and posing. Fine by us. But is Dex really for sale? Wouldn’t being a prostitute conflict with his modeling obligations?
We’re not sure what goes on in these meetings exactly. But the following endorsement from “Robert” one of Simon’s satisfied johns customers may hold a clue. Editable? Does that mean Simon will change his rehearsed lines if they don’t sound right? Instead of saying “Suck me, yeah! yeah!” perhaps we could edit him and run through it again, this time adding something a bit more Stryker-esque like, “Yeah, you want that big dick, don’t cha?”
Or maybe “editable” means he’s programmable, like a robot from Blade Runner! That would explain his ridiculous good looks. Maybe Simon’s running Windows 7! Cool. Installing hardware has never been so easy. And where’s his USB port? We have a thumb drive we’d like to insert. And then there’s Robert’s weird line about wanting to buy Simon’s pubic hair. Uhh… call us cheap, but if you’re paying for pubic hair, you’re probably paying too much. But we’ll let you decide, dear readers. Tell us in the comments whose pubic hair you’d purchase. On second thought, maybe we would buy Simon’s pubes… EDITOR’S NOTE:At the request of Simon Dexter’s former porn studio, we’ve removed all references to them.
Tommy D’s been heating up QC for a while with his beautiful blonde face, boyish smile, big cock, and bubble butt. But throughout the years we’ve always wondered, just what the heck is Tommy D’s last name? After some research, we came up with 3 pretty good leads. DESSERT: Actually, before we get to our good guesses, we wanted to eliminate this one dumb one. Yes, he’s sweet and known for serving up dollops of cream, but we seriously doubt anyone has “Dessert” as a family name—not even a family full of porn stars. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t like going face down in his pie though. Forget the napkin! His spread would have us going back for seconds and fourths and eighths. DILLINGER: Could Tommy D be related to famous American gangster, John Dillinger? Let’s look at the evidence: they both have the same eyebrows, eye shape, and devilish smirk. Also, John supposedly had a huge cock that the Smithsonian Institute put in a formaldehyde jar and J. Edgar Hoover kept on his desk. We’re sure John Dillinger held up more than just banks with his sizable firearm. Likewise, we’ve seen Tommy D steal quite a few holes with his double-barreled piece, though when he enters their banks, it’s usually to make a deposit.
See our two other possibilities, including our definitive answer, after the jump!
If you’ve ever been or know someone who has gone to “ex-gay” therapy, then you know that those places are usually cruising grounds for closeted men. You’re more likely to learn how to polish a knob or dye your shoes than (ahem) enjoy making love to a woman. But don’t let that get you down. You don’t have to be gay if you don’t wanna. Just ask Randy from Exeter International. No that he’s no longer gay, he’s enjoying the good life, full of BBQ, football innings, and his girlfriend’s bad hair.
Good evening, ghouls and ghosts! We’re celebrating Halloween early by pulling back the curtain on 3 of porn’s most scarifying stars— Tommy D, Cody Cummings, and Mason Wyler. Check out our fun monster mash video with Tommy D as Frankenstein’s monster, Cody Cummings as the Wolfman, and Mason Wyler as Drac all doing the Transylvania Twist!
We didn’t choose their costumes lightly. Tommy D’s keeps a hanging body part in his private lab below and he enjoys using different man parts to create monster scenes! Cody Cumming’s a real lady killer who’s been growing out his chest hair and making gay men howl with lust and outrage! And Mason Wyler is known for cumming upon men in his chamber and sucking them dry before they plunge their stakes deep into him. Check out our video and the join the monster party at Tommy’s, Cody’s, or Mason’s place—you’ll have a terrifyingly good time!
