Have you ever been rejected by someone you really wanted to like you? Then perhaps you know how this angry panda feels. Panda is a European brand of cheese that won’t be denied. Don’t let his cute fuzzy face fool you. You’re gonna eat his goddamned fromage or else Panda’s gonna put you in a world of hurt. And you thought pandas were gentle, bamboo eating creatures. Yeah… not when rejection’s on the line.
Last year, Chi Chi LaRue came up with the“Wrap It Up” campaign featuring Johnny Hazzard. This year, she’s telling young men to “shut their holes” whenever they wanna have sex without a condom. So she’s made another PSA, except this time with a bajillion porn stars in it. It’s an interesting campaign especially considering that some of the video’s stars have starred in bareback porn. Via
It’s hard growing up straight in the suburbs of San Fran. Amid all the hair dressing, portraits of Cher and pressure to suck cock, how’s a guy supposed to find a nice bro to shoot Jagermeister and hunt beaver with? Luckily, this dude didn’t lose hope and found a straight pal in the unlikeliest of places—the NYC school of theater and dance. But as he soon learned, heterosexuality ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it’s kinda gay.
Put away the Kleenex and whiskey. Howard Andrew the talent manager from FabScout.com lives on. He did however die in his role as Uncle Dave in the opening scene of Brent Everett porn epic Little Big League 4: Grand Slam. Apparently, it’s not just a locker room fuck flick, it’s also a heartbreaking murder mystery with lots of ass sex. Everett avenges the death of his beloved uncle—with just a hint of Star Wars and Star Trek. It’d be a lot sadder were it not for the chocolate corn syrup pouring from Howard’s wound. It doesn’t look like he’s been bashed by a baseball bat, it looks like he fell into a melted Hershey’s bar. Death is sweet, especially when it involves high fructose corn syrup.
You’ve probably never heard of Pepe Pasquel Perez Paria, but you will. He’s the fictional porn star wannabe in the upcoming film Porn Start. After his reality show tanked, he and his “straight” partner decided to make a revolutionary porn film (kinda like Twilight meets Showgirls), all they need is the “financial barebacking” of a major studio. The film’s actual director, Mark Kenneth Woods also plays Pepe, so basically you have a director who would like his film to succeed playing an actor who would like his film to succeed. The trailer made us laugh. But an hour and a half of campiness? Hmmm… if Woods wants his film to succeed, Pepe may need to actually suck seed. We’d watch an hour and half of that. via
Soccer dream Cristiano Ronaldo makes maids and working class slobs everywhere stop working just to stare at his God-like crotch in this commercial advertising another commercial that will premiere Sept. 15th—weird? Yes.
Hot? Oh very much yes. We already knew his thighs shot out bolts of lighting. Who knew that his crotch could set the whole world AFLAME?
On his blog, big dicked fucker Wolf Hudson shared this darling video on how to wash your balls. It’s really just an advertisement for AXE body wash, but in the meanwhile you get to see some athletic men get their balls washed by two able young ladies. Big black balls, small bumpy balls, even wrinkly dusty old man balls… if you have manky, stanky balls, let these two gals show you just how to handle ’em!
Click on image to see video. Bobby Lee is a CGI actor for the computer gameDragon Hunter 2. And as the hero he must stab dragons in the head with a twisty motion, slay demons to each side of his face, drink their blood, take cave troll arrows from behind, finger the magic orbs, and make out with the princess. It’s a lot of hard work, especially because without all the digital editing it looks a bit like he’s the cockslut in a porno. Makes you wonder how many porn studios just tell their actors that they’re starring in a very arty gay action flick.
Sick of their videos getting taken off YouTube while dance videos entitled “my sister making me hot to rape her” get to stay online, the quirky Randy Blue duo of Reeese Rideout and Chip Tanner have decided to promote gender equality by re-creating the dance of two young YouTube starlets. Sadly the men show just how inferior the male sex is as the women totally out lip-synch and out dance the two studs. The only thing Chip Tanner has on these hoochies is his crazy bulge which threatens to pop out and ban them from YouTube indefinitely.
If you’re a woman, they want you to leave a comment on their video. But if you’re a man, they’d like you to respond by posting a video of yourself dancing. So much for gender equality… and there’s Chip Tanner’s bulge popping out near the end. Prepare for video deletion in 3… 2…
Do your love of showtunes and saketinis make others think you are a poof? Have your lady friends “always wanted a gay guy to go shopping with”? Do you blame your ineptitude at ball sports on your love of cock? Well, it’s time to mix all that negativity into a chair-humping, oil-spitting MACHO SALAD.
Jörgen will be our instructional chef today. He’s the star of the Swedish film Farsan. Jörgen has “become convinced that his wife thinks he isn’t manly enough. So he “embarks on a quest to become more assertive and studly in order to save his marriage.”
We normally prefer a Cobb Salad—something with animal flesh, fatty bacon, artery clogging blue cheese, and globs of ranch dressing—but a macho salad is just as good. Just squeeze the life out of those sissy tomatoes, break that cocky cucumber in half and PUNCH THAT FUCKING SALAD IN THE FACE! Not only will the large veggie chunks make swallowing a man’s challenge, but every bite will taste like pure awesome because you totally pwned it (yes, pwned)!
If pure craziness was our only criteria, our freaky arty French porn pal Francois Sagat would find a good match in controversial porn documentarian Diesel Washington. Like Sagat, Washington likes exposure and doesn’t mind doing outrageous things (like raping twinks and making up new sex moves) to get it. But unlike Sagat, Washington’s art resume is less accomplished with much lower production values. Exhibit A: the video above.
We like Nelly Furtado’s Say It RIght too, but it holds a mere candle to the lo-fi weirdness of Sagat’s Crocodile Tears—starring in an indie music video is totally pimp. Also, we’re down for Diesel’s subtle couch dancing (especially when he not-so-subtly begins stroking the neck of the guitar and starts fingering its music hole) but how about a little more dramatic flair, Diesel? Watch Sagat sell European currency if you need inspiration.
This isn’t to slam Diesel. Hell, we want him to get better exposure and production value! You live in Los Angeles, don’t you Diesel? Save up some cash from raping twinks and hire someone to produce a video that will be the art equivalent of your amazing porn.
Oh Francois, you delicious weirdo! Not content to settle for showing his ass in French indie films, in a teenager’s collage-covered bedroom, or in B-grade pop videos, Sagat has recently turned up in this strange video nugget from artist Lukas Beyeler.
In the video, Sagat models in a sailor outfit for some European lottery… or something… we guess. We can’t really tell. But what we do know is that around the 3:00 mark, we get to see Sagat put on a bunch of freaky costumes and work his magic. We counted no less than 12 incarnations of the arty stud including:
Sailor Sagat
Indian Princess Sagat
Red Masquerade Sagat
Orange Raincoat Sagat
Swiss Goat Lover Sagat
Savage Wigs Sagat
Black Beach Ball Sagat
Little Red Boxing Sagat
Whale Fucker Sagat
Green Body Suit Sagat
Roller Britney Sagat
Gym Gnome Sagat Which Sagat is your favorite? We prefer the Francois Sagat we get to see fucking in the nude, but he’s still sizzling and sexy in these crazy costumes. Plus the music’s freaky and fun. Oh Sagat, you can change costumes as often as you like, just don’t change into someone boring!
This is Brad. He’s handsome, cultured, and prepared to make you cream your panties with rosemary sunflower risotto, two complimentary copies of his new cookbook, and saying “fiddlesticks” as he removes his shirt to reveal his beautifully sculpted body underneath. It’s the sort of evening that really gives us a lesbian boner… that is, until he takes us out back to compare the thickness of maxipads. Then the date really goes downhill. If you wanna get to third base, you’re running into the outfield, Brad. Now shut the hell up and eat our manbox.
Oh well. Maybe we will do better with Ryan. He’s a smug, self-satisfied prick who makes toys for underprivileged orphans (like we give a fuck). Luckily, Mr. Perfect is a crappy actor who rips his stupid shirt off to let you eye-rape his perfect torso before uttering those immortal words of passion, “Don’t you just hate moisture?” And then… OH NO!!! He’s set up a fucking science project about how well different sanitary napkins absorb a woman’s monthly spaghetti jamboree. “It’s not fair that you should have to experience this every month.” And it’s not fair that we should have to experience him talking instead of moaning on all fours like a dumb cockslut. Moving on…
Then there’s Trevor. Trevor loves vacuuming and keeping up his eight hundred medical degrees so his mom can ooze all over what a brainiac he is. Luckily he knows that tidiness and smarts mean nothing compared to getting naked. So just as he reveals that he’s not wearing underwear and sits down at the piano to fuck your brains out, he starts talking about tampons again! Jesus, what is it with these guys? Is it that we keep going after bisexuals or that really sensitive men just hate vaginal moisture so much that they can’t go one minute in a date without talking about how much it disgusts them?
What we love though is that these three men are obviously cruising the women’s college looking for vulnerable women, luring them back to their place with promises of music, laundry, and candlelit dinners… showing some skin and then pulling the ol’ bait-and-switch to sell you tampons. It’s kinda like when we followed that cute guy home from the club only to end up with a 26-piece tupperware set. Yes, we would have preferred sex, but those sealable lids really do a good job of keeping out moisture. Love: zero, capitalism: one.
Via Fleshbot
If you like twinks and pop (sounds like a middle school snack), you’ll love seeing these arty boys doing a undie-clad rendition to Katy Perry’s Peacock. In it, she repeatedly asks to see your peacock (which means your tiny penis and the flamboyant glamour bird living in your soul). These boys don’t whip out their dongs, but we’re crushing on a few of them and the video’s pretty poppin’. No really! It’s the best piece of queer video art we’ve seen all week—and it’s only Tuesday.
Leave it to the Brits to worry about someone shooting their secret agents in the dong. Now James Bond’s martini olives will be safe as Her Majesty’s family jewels because they’ll be encased in the most unattractive pair of boxer briefs you’ve ever seen—bulletproof boxer briefs! The audio on the video’s kinda bad, but we would have preferred to see them tested while someone was wearing them. “Pip, pip. Cheerio. Take a bullet to the bits, Reginald. That’s a lad.”
It could be the potassium, it could be the vocational training, or it could be the creepy voice that it inspires. Either way, Reese is making us hungry, horny, and a bit scared.
