I’m a fair haired smooth twinky type of guy (22 yo) and my body is basically hairless apart from my butt hole. My new bf really likes to rim but he hates the fact that I have a bush of dark thick hair at and round my butt hole – and I have to agree its kinda gross.
So what’s the best way to remove this hair around my anus? My pubes around my cock are quite thin, fair and wispy and my balls are completely smooth so I’ve never had to deal with this. I don’t know if I should use an electric shaver, wet shave, trim with scissors or is waxing a viable option? I want something that will be lasting, hygenic and easy to maintain. Help!
Hugs, Robin XOXO
Hi Robin and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. We all have our own preferences when it comes to pubic/body hair – some like it natural and bushy and others like it trimmed or completely smooth. It’s a personal choice but you should be aware that there can be health consequences associated with any type of depilation: shaving, waxing, clipping, tweezing, threading, or laser treatment. Your pubic area is especially sensitive to these hair-removal techniques so exercise caution if you do decide to proceed with this. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Robin? Have you removed hair from this area before and/or do you maintain a hair free anus/pubic region? What methods would you recommend or should he avoid? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m 24 and have been closested almost all of my life until recently when my situation changed and I have been able to be a bit more open. Up until 6 months ago I still lived with my parents when I was recently transferred to another city through work which has been liberating to some extent. Although I’m not out at work I was able to start dating men and I thought, finally able to have sex.
You probably think it’s a bit pathetic a 24 year old guy writing in with this problem, as I have not had sex with another guy. But don’t get me wrong, I love sex – well porn at least anyway lol! Seriously I really love it and I love to masturbate daily as really this has been my only outlet. So you can imagine how excited I got when I knew finally I would have my own place and be away from my parents and away from that hateful homophobic town I used to live in (seriously I don’t know why I stuck it there for so long).
So, being a bit new on the scene and all I’ve tried some of the bars but really I didn’t like it much and so I starting using the dating apps. After a few bad dates with some weirdo’s I finally met the sort of guy who not only makes me feel good inside, he’s hot too, I generally go for older guys but he’s only 28, still he’s hot though, and funny, and kind and so far he’s been really very patient with me.
Although I love the idea of hot random sex, I’m not the sort who is going to jump in bed or do it just for the sake of doing it. I think I’ve realized that I have to have some emotional attachment with a guy before I would want to go that far. So here is my dilemma, my guy has been patient for a while now and we’ve gotten to making out but that’s it as far as I can go. If his hand goes near my dick or he puts my hand on his I just clam up. I know this is weird and I usually make excuses like I’m tired or I don’t feel well (I’ve even pretended to fall asleep a couple of times). I know this is wrong and I don’t know why I am like this or why it happens? I just kinda freeze and can’t move. It’s like I am scared but I want it and well I don’t know really it’s confusing. The first few times this happened he was okay with it but the last few times he sighed and last night he even started to get a bit angry and grumpy and he left early. I hate doing this to him and seeing him like this but I can’t even try to explain to him why I do this or how I can fix it? After last night I even started to get a bit scared he may dump me or go off me because I’m not giving him the sex he wants. Like I say, it’s weird because I want sex with him too but well, it just stops with me clamming up! Seriously guys this is starting to get me down so if you know how I can change this I would be really so happy and grateful to you all – thanks.
hugs and all
Matt
Hi Matt and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. Firstly Matt no one here thinks your letter or problem is pathetic and if you read back through the archives you will see that there are plenty of guys older than you who’ve not had sex or full intercourse yet. So don’t ever think that a question here is in anyway trivial or not worthy of being posted here, we are a community and here to help our fellow members. Learning to love both physically and emotionally doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s a life long process. In your case, being suppressed in a closeted and homophobic environment for the most part of your life won’t have helped you but now that you are in a new and more open situation then things will improve. And consider that it’s only been a few months since you left your previous situation and adapting to your new job, environment and openly gay lifestyle will all take some time – but you will adapt. You’re lucky you have found such an understanding guy and it will help if you’re able to explain your situation to him so that he can comprehend your problem too. It may be worthwhile seeking out gay support groups in your city who may be able to advise on counselling if it is also needed. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Matt? Have you come across this before or experienced a similar situation? If so, what did you do? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
Hi! I write to you guys just to get some opinions.
Anyway, it never happens to me to get to know a random guy on Grindr just to hook up, it’s not really my style. However, the other night I saw a very attractive dude and I decided to talk to him. He was extremely direct about just meeting for sex. But, he told me he was a “Giftgiver”. To be honest, I didn’t know what that was. Later he asked me if I was a “Bugchaser”, so I was terribly lost because I didn’t know what to say. I Googled the terms really fast and then I knew what that was all about. In fact, he was organizing an orgy with guys that wanted to have unprotected sex… so, eventually, they would get HIV. I declined to participate in the orgy, but I offered to meet him some other day and maybe have safe sex, if he was willing to do it in that way. Surprisingly, he replied that if I didn’t mind he was positive, then he would do it.
Truth to be told, I was really shocked about the fact that probably that night, some dudes would get infected with HIV just because they wanted to. Anyway, the weird part comes next: I texted him again on the app the night after, just a simple “What’s up”. As before, he was very direct asking my sexual role and age (like as if we hadn’t chatted previously) and I told him again about the “safe sex” deal we had discussed, but he started acting very rude, saying to me that if it wasn’t my intention to do it bareback, then to f*ck off. So, that kinda got my back up and I put myself in the same rude position but, somehow, we started sexting. WTF, right?
I dared him to be that rude with me on the bed (just teasing him to get him to be more angry). But then, he wrote some really very hot stuff and dared me to have unprotected sex with him, even though there is the HIV infection risk. He even gave me his address and told me he had a car and that he could come over to my place to pick me up right then. But the thing that really worries me is this – that I got really turned on. I got a huge boner in my pants and I fantasized a lot about having sex with him. I did though say no to the guy and blocked him on the app.
Of course, now I know all this Giftgiver/Bugchaser thing is a practice well-known, even though some people deny it. I read that people are willing to get infected with HIV, and that their logic to make that choice is based on several points; love is one (when their partners are infected and they’re not, it’s a way to make a stronger bond, according to them). The thing is, I get really terrified to know that if I got this excited while just dirty talking about bareback sex… can I, in the future, have the will to get HIV because it turns me on by having risky and tough sex practices? I know some of us like dirty, teasing talking or a little bit more rude sex, but… can this mean that I can really somehow become a Bugchaser?
LH xoxo
Hi LH and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. Intentionally wanting to pass on or to receive an STI or HIV infection through “Gift Giving” and Bug Chasing” is a controversial topic to say the least. However, since you have recently experienced this through chat on the apps and become intrigued with the subject then it’s just as worthy as any of the other hundreds of letters and different topics written in to Ask QC and as usual it’s open for discussion here. It sounds as if you became a bit too excited over the risk element though and rationality can become rather clouded then – and perhaps your hormones got the better of you when dirty talking too. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give LH? Have you come across this before or experienced a similar situation? If so, what did you do? What are your views on the whole Giftgiving/Bugchasing scene? And are there any valid reasons for a person to intentionally get infected with HIV or other STI? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
Recently I started having these wild fantasies – like being raped or being taken and used by 3 or more men. I’ll be in the grocery store waiting in line and then it will just flash these images of the guys at the checkout forcing me into the back room or even taking me there right in the middle of the store, fucking me every which way and abusing and filling every hole. Or I’ll be in a meeting at work and then I suddenly start to think I’m force stripped and fucked over the desk by the rest of the guys there.
The weird thing is I’m a top, in my 30’s and in a stable, steady relationship with my partner of 4 years, we live together and have a good and regular sex life. I’ve never been particularly into kink, bondage or anything like that, although I’ve always enjoyed watching porn (I still do, but not the extreme stuff).
So I can’t think why this has started to happen – I don’t know if it’s stress at work or means something else in our relationship (is it too boring?) or does this happen to everyone? I’ve not mentioned this to my partner yet as I don’t want to worry him or put him off me sexually – but these thoughts of being a slutty bottom are getting more frequent (several times a day) and more and more intense and extreme.
If anyone can help me understand what’s going on here I’d sure appreciate it, thanks guys, losing my mind a bit over this…
Ted
Hi Ted and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. Our sex lives don’t necessarily stay exactly the same throughout our entire lives. Everyone is different and we have differing wants and needs at different times of our lives. Having vivid sexual dreams or fantasies during the day can occur to anyone at anytime really and may go as quickly as they have come. That said, you obviously feel concerned by this and you could talk with your primary medical carer to determine professional advice on this matter. But just as valid are our readers experiences on this matter too, so dear QC readers what advice would you offer Ted? Should he be concerned about his sexual fantasies or not? Have you been in this type of situation before and how did you resolve it? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m in my 40’s, in good shape and have established a good career path. When it comes to material things then I’m pretty well set up with all that I need but when it comes to men I just can’t seem to keep a guy for more than a few months. All of my peers (straight, bi and gay) have all settled down either in permanent relationships (for years) or have married (and ha e kids, etc) – I seem destined to be alone it would seem.
It’s true that I have a certain type but my parameters aren’t that strict (+/- 10 years of my age) and intellectually/sexually compatible and a good sense of humor. Career wise they have to know what they want but I’m not particularly looking for someone who is a CEO or something like that, as long as they are happy and fulfilled in their work then I am fine with that. So I think the type of guy I am looking for is normal, yet for some reason the guys I’ve been dating seem to move on after a few weeks or months at most.
One important period in my life was that in my late teens I did have a long love relationship for 4 years but his family migrated overseas and that ended. This affected me very deeply when this happened and I withdrew into myself for several years just focusing on my studies, sports and then career. My friends say that I constantly judge or mark guys as suitable life partners against my previous love but this was over 25 years ago now and it doesn’t even make sense or seem real any more. I guess I do have this habit of making comparisons (doesn’t everyone?) but I can’t seem to break out of this – so have I set the bar too high or am I just too picky?
Any ideas on how to solve this? Thanks guys, hugs
Douglas
Hi Douglas and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. We will always remember our first love more tenderly (and probably with rose tinted spectacles truth be known) but this is because the first time we experience those feelings they are incredibly intense and it’s all so new and exciting first time around. So how do we replicate that intensity and excitement again? The answer is that we don’t; next time around it will be different but that’s not to lessen the quality of those feelings of love at all as inevitably with the benefit of experience our perspectives change. Finding a suitable life partner isn’t exactly scientific either, although some would make us think it’s that easy. Finding love can be as random and unexpected as life itself but let’s assume that you are putting yourself in all the right places to meet the type of guys you like? It sounds more as though you need to break away and disconnect from seeing each date as potential marriage material. There could also be an element of your comparisons and eagerness to settle down that ironically may be what is pushing guys away too. So my advice would be to just date and don’t feel pressurized in any way because of your age or your peer group. Just let things take their natural course and it will work out. So dear QC readers what advice would you offer Douglas? Have you been in this situation before and/or know how to resolve it? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
Me and a male friend of mine recently started messing around. Things were going great until he decided to have a threesome with him and his gf. When I approached the room to join them, she got very very pissed, to the point where she left his apartment. About 5-10 mins later, after she didn’t return, I went to his room. He was naked (probably waiting on me) and we started having some fun. He turned his butt towards me and I put my dick inside of him, and fucked him.
A couple days later, I recieved a text from him stating he’s done with everything and he needs time for himself!!!!!.WTF!!!!!
I don’t know what to do or say because even though I LOVED the new aspect of our friendship, I don’t want to lose my friend over this. And he won’t talk to me about it either. Is he embarrassed by it, did he like it too much, or maybe he didn’t like it, and is trying to be nice about it. Do you have any suggestions about what I should do?
S.
Hi S and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. Technically by definition a bromance is a close but non-sexual relationship between two men. In your circumstances it sounds as though the limit of those boundaries were exceeded before you guys had actually discussed or thought about it. The fact his girl friend stormed out would also indicate the idea of a three some hadn’t been discussed with her either. That said, this doesn’t have to be the end of a good friendship but it may take some time before he is ready to be able to discuss it with you. Tell him what is important to you, the fact that you value your friendship together and yes, you enjoyed the sexual side of it too. Perhaps he was experimenting and testing his own limitations too, but without any discussion with him it will only be speculation. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give S? Has anyone experienced a similar situation before? If so, where you able to resolve it and how? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I have a question for you. I may be feeling all sorts of horny and even have a hard on but if I have to go and have a bowel movement when I am done the feeling I had is gone and I lose sexual sensation and my erection. Has this happened to anyone else? Is this normal?
One other thing is that when I have not cum for some time, while I am urinating I get an urge to like push the force of the flow of pee but I then ejaculate – some times a good amount. I do get a tingly sensation and a feel good feeling when this happens but usually it’s unexpected when this happens. Is there anything wrong and can anyone advise?
Rudeen
Hi Rudeen and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. From your brief letter it’s difficult to determine the exact circumstances in which you describe losing your sexual sensation but it would be quite normal if you lost your erection during a bowel movement. With regard to ejaculating or semen being present during urinating we would advise that you consult with a qualified medical physician or urologist as they will be able to check you and test to determine and/or rule out any medical conditions. Although QueerClick cannot give medical advise, from our research your condition may be retrograde ejaculation. This occurs when semen, which would normally be ejaculated via the urethra, is redirected to the urinary bladder. Normally, the sphincter of the bladder contracts before ejaculation forcing the semen to exit via the urethra, the path of least resistance. When the bladder sphincter does not function properly, retrograde ejaculation may occur. Retrograde ejaculation is sometimes referred to as a “dry orgasm.” Retrograde ejaculation is one cause of male infertility although no medical treatment may be required for this it is still worth getting checked up for peace of mind. During a dry orgasm some men often notice during masturbation that they do not have semen release but there is an orgasm and another underlying cause for this phenomenon may be ejaculatory duct obstruction. As Ask QC cannot personally advise on individuals medical conditions we can, hopefully, help point you towards finding the right information and of course our readers are a wealth of information too and always willing to advise. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Rudeen? Has anyone experienced either of these conditions before? If so, did you require treatment and what type was it? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
Two nights ago I was having a good time hanging out with my boyfriend at the house. We were laying on my couch and we were frotting, rubbing our dicks together. Then out of nowhere he says “I wish you were uncut like me.” My heart immediately sank. I thought he in fact liked that I was cut.
So long story short I ended the relationship right there and told him that I want to be with someone who likes my dick the way it is and wouldn’t change it. My last fuck buddy told me he had a fetish for foreskin which once I found that out I stopped wanting to get my dick sucked by him. My ex gf once said that she likes uncut.
I like being cut its who I am I’m a white boy born in Texas its not weird to be cut but all these people I come across would rather be with uncut. I don’t know if its a growing trend or what? Did I dump my boyfriend for a good reason?
Kurt
Hi Kurt and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Sorry to hear of your upset and relationship difficulties leading to a break up. We are all different and we all have our preferences but sometimes vocalizing them may not be the most tactful thing to do. In your case your ex certainly put it across the wrong way and it’s understandable that you would be frustrated by this. As you have said, you are happy to be circumcised and its clear you want to be accepted exactly like that and for who you are. Remember it’s not you that has the fetish or preference for foreskins it’s been your other former partners, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get along with people who do. Assuming you’ve had enough regular sex with your former partners that they didn’t actually have a problem with your cut dick at those times it would appear you would need to be able to tolerate and accept their different preferences enough if you wish to reconcile over this. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Kurt? Is foreskin preference a growing trend? And did he dump his boyfriend for good reason? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
For some reason I can’t stop laughing when I cum – I just crack up which is okay when I’m just jerking alone but the few occasions I’ve had sex with another guy it’s sort of been a bit of a disaster.
I’m 19 and not that experienced but I’ve been jerking since 13, I’ve always laughed when I’ve cum and never thought it would be a problem but since my last 3 experiences with guys I’ve been told I’m weird and one guy even got really angry.
The thing is it’s not like I just giggle or laugh for a few seconds when I cum, it’s like for 5 or even 10 minutes – I really can’t stop. I know it’s probably a bit weird so I want to know why I do this or how I can stop doing it. I still live at home with my parents and don’t have any other gay friends (I’m quite shy and introverted) so this is kinda affecting my confidence now to meet other guys. Am I normal or can I stop this?
Hugs
Oliver xoxo
Hi Oliver and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Feelings of elation when you orgasm are quite normal as endorphins are released as well as neurohormones oxcytocin and prolactin. This results in a euphoric sensation and that rush may well just be the trigger that causes you to respond by laughing (it’s even known to cause some people to cry). It’s an involuntary response and you’re not doing anything wrong – it’s just that we are all slightly different (for example, not everyone is ticklish in the same places or even ticklish at all). It sounds like you have got used to this response of laughing when having an orgasm and masturbating alone but the fact that you have experienced some mixed responses to this during sex with other guys shouldn’t become a problem too. Firstly, you could warn your partners prior to sex that you may have an uncontrollable fit of laughter when you cum – most guys will be okay with this especially if they are expecting it. Over time you may be able to curb the length of time you laugh, particularly if you’re with a guy regularly and he is used to this. Don’t be disheartened or think there is something wrong or unusual about yourself because of this as there are a lot of guys who will join in and laugh with you too! So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Oliver regarding his uncontrollable laughing when he cums? Do you do this too? Or did it affect you when you were younger and did it reduce over time? Do you know of any techniques that Oliver can use to curb this (if he wants to suppress it)? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I recently started dating an older guy who is more experienced than me – I’m 22 and he’s 38. I’ve been active sexually since my late teens so think I am fairly experienced and what I really enjoy is getting fucked fast, hard and quick. My recent date prefers to take things more slowly and particularly when it comes to foreplay he wants this to last for hours. Literally hours!
I’m okay with making out for a short while, say 20 minutes max, but once I’m hot then I have this urge to be fucked and I want and need it right then – fast and furious. I also like to just be fucked without any foreplay at all, just take me there and then. My current date says I am missing out and that it’s better to have a long lead in time and lots of foreplay, but when I’ve tried that with him eventually (after an hour or so) I lose interest, that urge goes and frankly then I don’t even feel like sex at all.
So my question is, how long should foreplay last? I’ve always been used to the 20 ish minute thing then right down to business. Is there any way I can find to make it last longer? Or is it just down to our age differences? Any help and and advice would be greatly appreciated – thanks!
Tate.
Hi Tate and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. When it comes to foreplay (or sex in general) there aren’t really any right or wrong lengths of time. It’s more to do with what you both find stimulating and enjoyable so the length of foreplay will vary from couple to couple. Your current partner is a few years older and has said he has a preference for long foreplay sessions but even though he may have some more experience in certain aspects, both of you will be bringing your own experiences and something new to the table. Perhaps he is also now very used to long periods of kissing and foreplay before sex, or perhaps he just wants your session to last a longer time? Fast and urgent sex can, of course, also be very arousing and intense. I guess the thing is to keep it interesting, different and to try new things. You could try extending your foreplay with him for a few more minutes than usual and build up to extending that through more sessions over a period of time. Or you could alternate between the quickies and the longer sessions. Ultimately it’s what the two of you both want and you both shouldn’t become too fixated on the length of time the foreplay, fucking or sex lasts. As long as you are both enjoying it that’s the most important thing. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Tate regarding foreplay? Are you a lover of long foreplay sessions? Do you find long foreplay more erotic or do you prefer just a few minutes? Do you have any tips on how Tate can feel comfortable with extending his foreplay sessions? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m sure this question has been asked before, but I couldn’t find the posting so I’m going to ask it again.
My boyfriend loves head, but I’m horrible at it. I have a really bad gag reflex, and once I get past the head, it’s all over with. I have to pull off and I’m choking and just about to vomit. And it isn’t that I don’t like doing it, I just hit that point where I can’t go any further. It’s the same thing with brushing my teeth…I get to the back ones and all the sudden it’s just gagging and choking.
So I guess my question’s are; Is there some way to learn how not to gag? Is that something that can be taught? I’d love to go all the way down on his dick the way I’ve seen porn stars do it in movies, but whenever I try, I just can’t do it. Any tips?
Dorian
Hi Dorian and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. You’re correct there has been a previous couple of letters on this subject before; Ask QC: Advice on improving my oral skills and Ask QC: I have a horrible gag reflex! both of which may help you with some suggestions and advice. Oral sex and specifically deep throating is certainly a skill that can be learned and improved upon but overcoming an involuntary gag reflex can be difficult and off putting for some people. The gag reflex is the bodies natural defence mechanism to eject objects from the throat but, surprisingly not all of us have it. Fortunately there are some ways to overcome this; using an oral numbing spray or gel (usually used to relieve tooth pain) on the soft palate can be effective for up to an hour. You can also “train” to get accustomed gradually over time but this does require some patience too. One effective method is to gently use your toothbrush to brush your tongue just at the point where the gag reflex starts, do this for around 10 seconds initially. Repeat this process nightly and gradually over time you will notice the gag reflex becoming less each time you do it. You can continue this over time, increasing the length of time you brush and how far you reach with your brush. Over the course of a month you should be able to significantly reduce your gag reflex. As the gag reflex is triggered by a combination of psychology and physiology being in a relaxed state can also help. So being relaxed both mentally and physically will help, such as exercising beforehand (leg raises and abdominal crunches are known exercises that reduce gag reflex). Psychologically anything that relaxes you mentally such as listening to music or even hypnotherapy can help (you can tell your therapist you gag when the dentist or doctor examine your mouth if you would rather not mention oral sex). Also taking a nasal decongestant may help you breathe more easily through your nose during oral sex and also help to prevent triggering the gag reflex. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Dorian to overcome his gag reflex? Did you have this condition before and what worked for you? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
So I’ve been dating this wonderful man for two months now, but we’ve known and liked each other from afar for almost a year come October before making it official in July. I have the personality where I have this deeply rooted need to truly express my affections with someone I really like by expressing it sexually after a full day spent together doing all sorts of romantic things. On the other hand, he’s not quite as experienced as I am.
He was with the same guy in a very long distance relationship for 4 years and they only saw each other maybe twice a year. He never messed around (a virtue I’m insanely grateful for), and when they were together it was mostly the other guy showing him off as a status symbol rather than a human being worthy of actual love and affection. As such, my guy still has some anxiety when it comes to having sex. It makes him very nervous still, so the few times that we have done it I’ve been very slow and gentle and taken his needs into consideration as we play; whenever he says to stop, I stop and we either just cuddle it out or do something else.
I want to help him get over his anxiety just as much as I want to get over mine. I’ve told him that I never want him to feel like I was pressuring him into anything, and even just knowing that he really cares about me fills me with such joy- but in the back of my head I want to give him more and fulfil my baser physical desires because there’s this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps yelling at me “You’re not giving him everything to the fullest extent of your passion, you obviously don’t love him.” (My inner voice can be a bit of a huge d-bag sometimes…)
I don’t know how to go about asking for more sex without making him feel nervous or pressured into it. I want him to feel more comfortable with the idea of doing it a little more frequently, but I also don’t want to turn him into a nymphomaniac. How do I go about bringing this up and how should I direct this conversation?
Thanks,
Tim
Hi Tim and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. It’s wonderful to hear that you two guys have found each other and been together for almost a year now, albeit with some bumps and difficulties yet to overcome. There are many partners that are compatible on so many levels but then also have differing sexual needs, wants or issues. But rest assured there are always people willing to help you both be able to resolve these. You mention that you have more experience sexually and, therefore, perhaps already have a better idea of what pleases you sexually and your preferences. Whereas your partner with previous little or infrequent sexual encounters may not yet have fully discovered everything that he likes (or dislikes). He may also consider the infrequent sexual activity with his previous partner as normal and indeed gotten used to that. It’s admirable that you are concerned with his feelings and know that to approach this subject with him may be a little tricky but we are sure there will be the right way to approach this subject with him. Generally, humour is a good starting point so as to relieve any tension that may exist but of course there are other different angles with which to tackle this. Have you guys tried watching porn together? That could be an opportunity to discuss both of your likes and dislikes and get a better feel for things. You could discuss limitations about how far you want to go (or indeed won’t go) in the future, or maybe open a discussion about desires, fetishes or other sexually related topic’s to lead into chatting about the main issue. You could lead into your conversation with a general rhetorical or open question, or simply just ask him how he feels about things sexually. You could reference his previous long distance relationship to ask how difficult it must have been for him particularly when it came to sex, how often he wasn’t led astray and (presumably) relieved himself with solo masturbation. Has he used sex toys before (or yourself) and could that be an opener? Whether you guys are both into them or not at least that may get the ball rolling. The main thing is that the two of you communicate together and on an improved level that you are both presently at right now. And there is nothing wrong with this, it takes time (and sometimes years) for couples to know instinctively what the others wants or desires are. But at the end of the day, non of us are mind readers! So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Tim and his man? Have you been in a similar situation like this before? How did you approach this line of conversation and what other suggestions would you make? If you can help them in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m gay, 18 years old and I don’t have any gay friends at all, or rather I should say that I have no one who is a supporter around me.
When I was in high school, my teacher and friends hated me because I’m gay, they were very insulting. There are no openly gay people around me at all and people around me mostly cannot accept gay people.
I’ve just started college and in my new college life I won’t dare to tell my friends there that I’m gay. If I do it will damage my reputation because I know they are homophobic.
I feel very sad and frustrated, as there is no one here to listen to my suffering voice, especially my parents, as they also dislike gay people so much. They have been worried that I’m gay since last time I was caught by my parents when I was watching gay porn. But after that I have lied to them that I had changed my sexuality and that now I’m “straight”. I really do not dare to tell them now that I’m gay. They hope I can have the have my own kids in the future since I’m the only guy among my siblings.
In my country, Malaysia, there are no gay rights, and they don’t have any gay community. Gay’s mostly cannot be accepted in this Islamic country, and actually they have made it illegal too.
I hope I can find a soul mate or gay friend that knows how I feel, because I can’t find anyone. I don’t want to find just any friend from a Facebook group or Grindr, Scruff, etc. Is it really necessary that for me to find gay friends or dates then dating apps are my only options? I have tried exploring more the outside world online but I still can’t find anyone.
What should I do? Or how can I find other gay friends? Also how should I deal with people especially my parents that dislike gay people so much?
Thanks for your help guys,
– Carson
Hi Carson and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Growing up gay and being isolated is hard enough. Being bullied or ostracised and in a homophobic environment is even tougher – but don’t give up hope! You’ve taken steps to reach out and that’s a great start. It’s understandable that perhaps you aren’t finding the right type of friends on the dating apps and realize that the circumstances at home and in your country make it even more difficult for you to find like minded and understanding people. Have you considered contacting overseas gay youth organizations? They may be able to put you in touch with others your age and even in your own country. They should also be able to help with advice on dealing with the homophobic situation that you find yourself in. If it’s an understanding friend that you are looking for then their sexuality shouldn’t really matter if they are gay or not, as long as they have empathy and a balanced view towards people of different sexualities. Have you also considered contacting or joining other youth groups that interest you? (and not necessarily just gay organizations) There are endless possibilities out there so maybe our readers can help in pointing you in the right direction? Most of them here will have experienced some of the situations that you are currently being exposed to and will have different solutions that helped them in those situations. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Carson? Were you raised in a homophobic environment at home, school or your country? How did you deal with these types of people and situations? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m 19, not really into the bar/club scene and so far I meet my dates through the apps (Grindr, Scruff, etc). But most guys either block me or just stop chatting because I don’t immediately send over my dick pics. I’m not ashamed of my dick or body but I feel it’s a bit too much to send these type of pics within the first few minutes of chatting. My friends (mostly around the same age, a few a bit older in their 20’s and 30’s) think it’s hilarious and have even said I’m a prude! I don’t think I am, it’s not like I’m standing on some high moral ground or whatever, I just want a little romance I guess… does this even exist anymore? So guys, am I a prude (at 19!) for being like this and what’s the best way to get over it?
Thanks guys,
Tomas
Hi Tomas and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Sending pictures of your genitals to others via dating apps is entirely optional and not obligatory. Just because others deem this as de rigueur doesn’t mean that you have to follow suit. Sticking to your own principles or standards doesn’t mean you are a prude either, it just means that you have a mind of your own and don’t necessarily follow the crowd. Remember, it’s the other guys who have the problem here and not you, if both parties agree to swapping intimate pics that is entirely up to them, but don’t feel coerced into doing something you do not feel comfortable with. And yes indeed you are right, where is the romance? It’s definitely possible to find romance on the apps although you will have to be very specific on your profile as to what you are looking for. Also, if you’re not into the bar scene for meeting guys then perhaps you will need to think further afield. Have you considered joining gay social groups or just other special interest groups that get your attention (sports, hiking, gaming, movies, etc) where you will be meeting people with a common interest and taking it from there. It may not be as direct as a gay dating app but remember there are gay people everywhere and not just on the apps! So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Tomas in this situation? If you can help him with these issues in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m not sure if I have a fetish or what but I can only get off if my man moans. If I date someone and we’re having sex and they are the silent or quiet type I actually lose my erection.
On the other hand, if my man moans and groans and makes all sorts of noises of pleasure and ecstasy then the intensity of sexual turn on is out of this world. It’s on another level – really!
I don’t have a regular bf at the moment, I’m still in college but like to date, its hard finding someone compatible and it’s so hit and miss in the bars or dating apps knowing if someone is going to be noisy in bed or not. I’m not even sure how I can bring this up in conversation before (or during) a date. But I know I feel really let down and disappointed especially at how I react with a quiet guy. It’s not good for him or me when I lose my erection and then ultimately my interest (I generally only top and love to fuck). The thing is, once this has happened with a date then we never meet up again. I did try to discuss it with a previous date and he said he would be more vocal the next time but we never hooked up as I felt it would be fake or put on sounds just to please me (which is just as bad as no noises).
Although I didn’t realize this I think it’s become a fetish or trigger for me and I don’t know what to do about it – I don’t want to lose it, yet I want to be able to overcome it when I date quiet guys. Any ideas on what to do?
Thanks guys xoxo
Marty
Hi Marty and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. We all have certain triggers that turn us on (or off) during sex and hearing your man moan in pleasure is a common one. When your man moans you know you are doing it right and this in itself sexually stimulates you too. Your man making noises equates to positive feedback that he is sexually responding to you and this reinforces that you are arousing him in the right way too. As you have discovered finding a guy that you know will excite you during sex by doing this can be a little challenging but it’s by no means impossible. You may have to find a comfortable way around bringing up this topic before a date and generally humor works, especially during the chatting up phase. You could bring up the topic around to sexual boundaries and then mention the specific things that turn you on (which in your case is your partners aurual responses, being noisy and just generally letting go). Sexual preferences can take many forms and in your case seems to affect your performance too – letting your partner know this beforehand may well take off that pressure too. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Marty? Are you turned on by a man moaning in pleasure? Do you have a particular fetish that triggers you? How have you brought this up with your dates? If you have any ideas on how to help Marty with this issue then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
I’m 18 and I tend to go for older guys in their 30’s and 40’s and date regularly. I chat with lots of guys on the apps and usually when I meet up theyre not quite how they described themselves – I’m fit and work out but not bulky or muscular, at best I can describe myself as twinky. Most guys say I’m pretty, which I used to cringe at but now I’m used to it. When I meet these guys most dont really look like their profile pics – they look a lot older and heavier than the pictures they used – but I still stay on the date anyway.
Well, most of my dates take me out for dinner, drinks or movie and then I know they expect sex, the thing is, even when I am not really attracted to them I kinda feel really sorry for them and usually (almost always) end up back at their place for sex. Most of them are lonely and say they haven’t had sex in a while and I so I end up going to bed with them.
I know this is sorta wrong doing pity sex but I really feel that they should also enjoy the evening, most times the sex is okay with them but not always, I just kinda go through the motions. I know this has become a habit now (I’ve been doing this for 10 straight months now and at least 3-4 times a week). So it’s becoming a problem now as I don’t really have any attachment to them, I’m not interested in dating guys my same age, they seem so immature and boring – I don’t have any friends my age so I feel a bit freakish too. Is there anyway I can break this cycle? I tried deleting the apps but I installed them back again after a few days and just repeat it all over again. I still live at home with my mom and dad and I’m still closeted too so I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.
Hugs,
Moss
Hi Moss and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Having pity sex (also known as a mercy fuck, mercy sex or a pity fuck) is still entirely your choice – you’re not obliged to and don’t have to have sex just because you feel sorry for your dates. As you have discovered this has already developed into a habit, but the expectations of sex may well be because of the way you are meeting guys and the type of guys you are dating (older, single and lonely guys). Breaking any habit is possible but can often take several weeks so you would need to keep your apps deleted for more than a few days. You may require some professional support and coaching so contact a local youth or gay organization in your area, advice is given freely and confidentialy. Reaching out to the community here for advice on sexual practices and habits is a good start too but only the first step. The good news is that you have identified that your habit has become a problem and you recognize you need to change. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Moss? Have you been in this situation before? If so, how did you resolve this situation? If you have any ideas on how to help him with his issue then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
