QueerClick

Ask QC,

How the hell do I get into an open relationship? I'm a decent guy but the few times I've placed a personal ad saying I'd like an open relationship, the guys who respond act like sleazeballs right off the bat talking about how we can immediately cruise for cock. I don't want a fuckbud who likes threesomes, I want a fucking boyfriend, a partner who's OK with the idea of us occasionally fooling around with other guys, together or separately. I've tried dating guys and getting to know them before asking the question, but the reaction's never good. They're either all like "What? I'm not enough?" or "If you really want that, why are you looking for a relationship?"

Me and my ideal partner would get to know and trust each other and lay ground rules before opening it up. But when am I supposed to bring this up? Bring it up too soon, and I come off like a cock-hound. Bring it up too late, and I ruin things with a guy I like. I hate that. It just seems like it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm a warm, devoted loving guy who'd be a good boyfriend, I just feel like I won't be happy unless I'm in an open-relationship... I'm just trying to be honest up front.

Is anyone out there in a good open relationship? I've seen some open relationships where one partner's not into it and the other guy feels guilty for getting side action more than the other guy. I've also seen an open relationship where the guys aren't even really into each other anymore; they're just like roommates who're comfortable with each other and using their place as a bachelor pad. I'm confident I could make it work, but how're you supposed to find a guy who's into it? I could really use any advice you have.

Looks like he's in a bind, but how can he find what he's looking for? When and how are the best ways for him to bring it up? And how can he best establish the importance of finding a good partner before introducing others. Sounds potentially complicated, but maybe it's easier than he thinks. Do we have any open relationship folks out there who can give him a hand? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Hi guys,

I'm a 23-year-old guy and I take pride on my tidiness. I always trim and prim myself and also I always wear a cologne and deodorant so that every part of my body smells nice. That's what I'm known by. People can't seem to have enough of my soft and clean skin but I have a problem.

The only part that I can't get to smell nice or at least not smell is my ass. I know it's supposed to smell but I've been with a ton of guys that have an odorless ass. I just want to know about it because I've tried everything, even regular deodorant but it still smells bad and I can smell it when I'm having sex and it's such a turn off.

I don't know if I should douche or if that'll work but if you know why or you can help me I would really appreciate it.

Thanks

Stinky Butt

Stinky Butt's screen name summarizes his problem. How can someone get their curry-scented manhole to smell less zesty? In Stinky Butt's case, soap and deodorant just aren't cutting it, so what's the next step? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Dear QC -

I always enjoy reading your reader advice comments and never thought I'd be asking a question. I can't find any Google info on this one though and my friends can't help. I just started dating a guy who's handsome, has a great job, a good conversationalist, a great kisser—and, much to my surprise, has a 9" dick that's as thick as a Red Bull can. We're both tops—I'm versatile, but don't think I want to take one that big. That leaves oral, which really makes my jaw sore and it's hard to keep from nicking him with my teeth. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with this challenge?

Apprehensive

Sounds like Apprehensive needs to loosen up (his jaw and his hole). He appreciates his big fellow, but how can he best work up to giving great head and enjoying a flip-fuck with his hung hottie? Or do two rights make a wrong in the case of dual tops? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Hello,

I'm 22-years-old and a few months ago I came out to my mother. I have known for many many years that I was gay and spent too long in the closet. I grew up in a conservative home but I thought my family would understand (though I still feared being rejected). I became so depressed that I just gave up and came close to suicide. But my friends showed me that it was not all bad; they didn't care about my sexuality and I found happiness with them.

I have a good relationship with my mother and so I thought it was best to come out to her first. However, the response was quite devastating. I told her how depressed I'd been and how I only ever felt right liking boys not girls. That made her cry. She said I was sick (she said I had a mental illness) and that I should go to a doctor. Then she said I couldn't be gay because no one else in my family was gay and she "knew" it was all genetic.

I told her nothing about me had changed, only her perspective on me. She got angry and ordered me to never tell anyone else. She told me to find a woman to cure me and when I was cured I would see how idiotic I was for thinking I was gay. I argued that it doesn't work that way. Then she brought up religion and told me I was going to go to hell because homosexuality was against everything Jesus and God taught. We both cried for a bit and then she gave me an ultimatum: change or she'd be out of my life forever. She insinuated that she would commit suicide because she was a proud person and could not bear to face the shame. I told her pride was one of the seven deadly sins and she said she didn't care.

I haven't come out to anyone else since I told her. Several members of my family have told me directly that they don't want me to be gay or else... I don't know. I know my father would hate me if he knew. Every time he sees a gay couple on TV he says they're disgusting and changes the channel. My sisters seem like they might understand but I thought the same of my mother. My sister's boyfriend is an outspoken homophobe. He tells me gay people (men in particular) should be put in jail or, better still, killed. He said he would kill his own son if he turned out to be gay. It's all very emotionally crippling.

I haven't ever been out with a guy because I'm afraid that someone will see me with a guy and tell my family. I'm finding myself becoming depressed again and I really don't want that. I'm afraid that coming out will destroy my family and me. On the other hand, remaining silent will consume me. I don't know what to do. My mother pretends that I haven't said anything believing I will listen to her and find a woman. Being gay feels right to me and I can't compromise who I am. But in keeping silent is compromising me. I don't know what to do. I can't afford to move out but I'm working towards it.

My family hasn't had an easy life by any means. They have sacrificed so much for me and I feel like I owe them everything. Basically, I have no fucking idea of what to do. Should I just come out and risk destroying my family's life, risk my mother killing herself? I can't stay in the closet forever but I feel as though I may have to. I'm sick of feeling like shit every day.

What the hell should I do???

Joseph

Joseph's stuck in a hard situation with an emotionally abusive family. He's 22 and slowly coming out, but he could potentially sever important family ties in the process. What options does Joseph have to stay true to himself while getting the support he needs? And how should his family life factor into his decisions? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

So, I had taken myself completely out of the dating scene for over a year after a very ill-advised relationship as well as some memorable long-term ones. I felt I needed to really grow up and get to know me as 'Me' before I became a "We."

Anyway, after years of fighting against it and peer pressure, I thought it was time I tried my hand at online dating. Seemed like a logical answer to my dry spell. After 1 month, no hits. I figured, these things take time and I should be really patient. After 2 months, I got a bit anxious and thought, "Hmmm? Guess my profile isn't juicy enough". So, I had a bunch of friends critique my profile to see if there was any improvement I needed. Done.

After about the third month after I finally got a couple of hits, I decided to really read a few of the profiles from guys I thought I'd be interested in (and some I wouldn't be interested in). I had finally discovered what was the problem. Under, "Your type should be"... the answer was staring me in the face....."sorry, not into Asians...." or "Caucasian, Hispanic, Black."

After reading through a bunch of profiles, I was completely offended and a bit hurt. I know on some level people didn't feel that Asians weren't their type. I mean, I had non-Asian friends tell me to my face that Asians weren't their type. I figured, well everyone has a type and why should I be angry?

However, after all of this, I'm starting to feel like perhaps I may never date again because my race isn't considered 'marketable'. The worse part is, my own kind (not all, but some) won't even date me.

I've had several boyfriends some white, some Hispanic, even a few Asians thrown in the mix. The older I get though, I crave what everyone wants—a partner.

I'm finally in a place where I really know who I am and like myself. I can't change my ethnicity nor would I want to. I live in Toronto, a city that prides itself on being mutli-cultural.

I guess my question is, how am I supposed to find someone if I'm basically considered a leper in my own community? Should I consider this an indication of everyone's attitude towards me and just accept that my life will probably be spent in solitude?

Thanks in advance,

Proud2BAsian

Online dating can be tough on your self-esteem but Proud2BAsian raises a valid point: how can you personally connect with someone when so many guys seem hung up on race? Is there another way Proud2BAsian can go find a mate? How can continue feeling proud while increasing his chances of finding someone who'll appreciate his uniqueness? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Dear QC,

I must be from the "old school", but I would hope not at 47. I would like input from members as to why it is so popular for guys to shave their pubes!! I personally love to see a guy with his natural "bush" in effect and I dont understand what the craze is with the shaving! Can someone tell me definitively what the answer is???????????

Regards,

Caybpu

That many question marks he's got to be mad curious and several of us on Team Orange want to know as well. What are your reasons for trimming or preferring trimmed bush? Please share your opinions and experiences in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems or sate your curiosity!

Hey Ask QC,

I have a feeling I know what everyone's gonna say when I ask my question, but I'd like you guys to hear me out. I have a three-inch dick. It's not very thick or tall, it's just small and I've been reading about penile enlargement surgery as a possibility. I want to hear from someone who's actually done it—not from guys who have "a friend who did it" but from anyone with actual firsthand experience.

The surgery websites all seem to have positive glowing reviews, but that's just marketing, and the web's also filled with horror stories, so I'm not sure what to believe. I know that unnecessary surgery can mess up an otherwise fully functional penis and that not all guys who have the surgery are entirely happy about it. Lemme be clear—I haven't made my decision yet. But I'd love to hear from someone who knows. How long was your penis before and after? How long did it take to recover? Were you happy with the results? Have there been any complications? How's the sex now?

I know a lot of people are prolly gonna read this and say, "You need to accept yourself as you are, learn to love yourself, blah, blah, blah." But for one, I'm a pretty upbeat guy with good esteem who just wants to know more about his options. Second, most people who deliver that "love yourself" stuff are bigger than three inches. Lastly, I'm asking for info, I'm not asking whether or not I should have the surgery—I'll make that decision myself.

Can't wait to hear back from you guys

Denis

Denis wants a bigger penis, but doesn't know what penile enlargement is really like. With all the pills, pumps, and penile surgeries available, the search for a bigger prick can seem daunting. He seems wary of being preached to but has anyone tried these methods and are they worth it? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Dear QC,

I'm a big porn fan of course and I am in a long-term relationship. I really enjoy watching men fuck online and so when I was recently invited by a couple at a gay bar to watch them fuck, I had to tell them that I'd let them know. I'm not in an open-relationship, but my boyfriend does know about my porn habits; he just prefers I keep it to myself and not throw it in his face.

So here's the deal. I went out with a group of friends to a gay bar when my boyfriend was having a movie night with his gaggle back at the apartment. Anyway, it was near last call and I was watching these two guys make out hardcore at the bar. It was pretty hot, with them pulling themselves into each other and digging their hands into their pockets and waistbands while kissing passionately. When they caught me watching I smiled and shrugged and they asked if I wanted to join in.

I said, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that." And they said, "You can just watch if you want to." I declined again and left with my friends, but I've been thinking about their offer ever since. These guys are a couple frequent the bar my friends and I hang at. They're both very cute and seem like nice guys. I have no doubt they'd respect my comfort level, but is watching a couple get it on the same thing as cheating? I mean, they'll be having sex with each other, not with me... and I watch men having sex all the time on the internet. I sit and jerk off while they do their thing, so what's the difference?

Part of me is just asking to see how other QC guys feel about this. I'm not sure that I'll ever take them up on their offer. But where does porn end and cheating begin, especially in a case like this?

Bill from Brooklyn

Bill's boning over two bros in Brooklyn. Should he take them up on their invitation as an extension of his porn habit or would that cross a line? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Dear QC,

How interesting that this situation presented itself today: I'm a 54 year-young gay man with a husband of almost 27 years—we have spent virtually half of our lives together (yes, we're one of the 18,000 legally recognized married couples in California!).  I was having lower back problems for the past few years, and Yoga and Pilates wasn't solving the problem.  A friend said, hey, go check outthis massage place in town, you might get some relief with a really deep tissue massage.  I called up. Yes, they had a male masseur, and I made an appointment.

He was a pleasant guy, mid-twenties, and he knew his bodywork profession well.  I made several follow-up appointments.  My back pain was becoming a thing of the past, his bodywork was helping out tremendously, and I was thrilled. After a few visits and getting to know a bit more about him, he told me he was quitting that job and I inquired if he would be willing to come to my home - not far away - on a weekly basis to massage me and perhaps my husband.  He said yes, he was interested and honestly, the money was good - we paid him, including gratuity, a total of $230 each time for two 90-minute massages.  Do the math:  that's almost $1000 a month.

Deep tissue massage, if done properly, is like a tough workout and is intense.  By this time I knew he was a good Christian boy, married with kids, and I had told him about our marriage at our home with over 60 friends and family attending.  He knew we were gay and didn't seem to have a problem with it.  We never said anything to comment negatively on his apparent strong Christian beliefs, and we certainly weren't about to ask if he would consider adding a "happy ending" to each of our sessions.  This was all on the up and up.

Over a year has passed, and I thought we were on schedule for our Saturday morning massage.  This morning I received a call from him where he essentially told me his faith is important to him and that he had been praying for me.  That must have been Red Flag #1.  I thought it was nice that someone said they were praying for you.  Then he goes on to say it was because of our "lifestyle"—my blood started to boil—and that he believes in the bible and that those who do not accept Jesus into their hearts are going to hell.

He knew from previous conversations that we are both Jewish, just as he's known all along we are two fine people who love each other and just happen to prefer men. I was shocked and yet I just listened to him, allowing him to express himself.  I'm old enough to know that this conversation had a dead end to it, that there was no point in debating or arguing, and I thanked him for his honesty and wished him good luck. I was just going to let it go and figure, I'll go online and find a GAY bodywork professional locally and then our "lifestyle" won't be an issue.

I called mom and she said let it go, there's no point when someone has those beliefs.  Three friends I spoke with today expressed shock, including a Christian friend (who needs to come out of the closet!) who was "horrified" at what had happened. Fundamentalists of any religion—Christian, Islamic, Orthodox Jews—generally all have extreme views about everyone else who are different from themselves, and those views are thinly veiled disguises of prejudice in my opinion.

I don't think I should let it go, I feel an obligation to respond to him about his "beliefs" by expressing to him my beliefs about folks like him who continue to perpetuate hate against gay people - or any other groups of people who don't fit into their images of a moral individual. I certainly don't expect him to alter his beliefs or views based upon an e-mail from me pointing out his flawed thinking— most likely he'd receive it and trash it without reading it, but one never knows.

I'm curious as to the feedback and comments your wise readers might provide.  I'll hold off on emailing the schmuck until (hopefully) I receive some great advice from the gang here.  Thanks in advance!

Tom

Looks like Tom's experience with his masseur didn't have the happy ending that it should have. Should he talk to him and if so, how can he best most effective? Or should he and his partner just move onto to a gay masseur without another word? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!

Dear QC,

It's summer break! I just finished high school and CAN'T WAIT to go to college in the fall. But there's a problem. I'm really hairy. Don't get me wrong, I totally love my hairy chest, but what I can't stand is the hair growing on my back. Not just the back of my neck and shoulders either—it's covers the entire top half of my back, and left and right flanks of my lower back. I'm kinda scared to take my shirt off around guys, let alone have sex with them when I know they will be touching and seeing my nasty hairy back.

I mean, the obvious answer is to shave/wax it. I never shaved it, because I hear that's the worst since it grows back fast. But keep in mind I'm a college student, so I can't really afford monthly or bi-monthly waxes. Also, I don't know how fast it would all grow back. I tried the Norelco Body Groom and the Mangroomer without much success. The Norelco just doesn't work well, and the Mangroomer leaves red marks; they go away in a few days, but by then the stubble is back.

I know some people will say "Oh you'll find a guy who will be okay with it." But if I'm not okay with it there's no way I'll just keep my back hair growing. I'm planning on getting laser treatment when I'm out of college, but until then, can anyone recommend a course of action for me? Maybe a different product or something else? Take into account I'm going to be in college so money's an issue to keep in mind as well as sound (I really don't want to use the loud Mangroomer or Bodygroom in my dorm or in the showers. LOL!)

Thanks a lot. Can't wait for some feedback!

Marty

Marty's in a hairy situation and needs advice that's a cut above the rest. Should the young cub grin and bear his ultra-hairy back or is there a smoother solution for him? Please share you advice and experience in the comments section.

Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!