QColumn: A Gay In The Life: What If…

What if…
By Steve Prince
“I don’t like this,” Troy muttered as he flopped his feet down his apartment steps, his head looking down.
I shut his door behind him.
“Oh, man up,” I called after him. “We’ll be done in no time.”
Troy turned around and glared at me incredulously. “Well!” he said his voice rising along with his eyebrows, “I guess, I’ll tag along just to support you.”
I walked past him and beeped my car unlocked. “Oh thanks,” I said.
Troy sighed as I started the car, “I just want to get this over with.”
I did too.
Two hours later, Troy and I still sat at the clinic waiting to get our STD tests. We’d been there two hours already and I was getting grumpy as hell, wishing I’d brought my knitting.
As we sat in the lobby my year’s sexual past crept up in my mind like a ghostly vision. Soon, I replayed incidents: each time I swallowed a guy’s cum or even gave a simple rimming… was that safe? Could I have gotten something? Oh god!
I look over at Troy chewing on the end of his finger while his left knee bobbed up and down. Apparently he was thinking the same things I was. We both had to look ridiculous just sitting there thinking about our “what ifs.”
What if I was HIV positive? Would my life be that different? Ironically, it might be good for me; maybe then I would take better care of myself. Sexually I am very safe, but my general health practice sucks. I eat what I want and the last time I really hit the gym was in Ricardo’s Boot Camp of Hell. What if I had Hepatitis B? What would I say to my parents? What would they say to me? What if…

I looked up at the clock’s second hand tick by. Tick…Tick… my mind wandered…
I do love cum. I do. I think it’s so hot and I hate that I almost have to be scared of it, like it’s some kind of poison.
About two years ago, I was really into bareback porn; it was all I watched. During this phase, I hooked up with this guy and I was going to fuck him. I remember teasing his ass before we had sex. As I reached for the condom he put his hand on my wrist and looked over his shoulder towards me.
“Just put it in,” he urged.
My heart froze as if I was about to jump of a cliff. Well, I almost did and that scared the shit out of me. I ended up pulling up my pants and going home.
I look up at the clock’s second hand tick by. Tick… Tick… my mind wandered…
I always get a physical done during March. Since it’s my birthday month, I make sure to get everything checked out. It’s become routine for me and I don’t even think about it that much.
Troy, on the other hand, hadn’t been tested for any STDs in over three years.
“What?!” he said looking at Alex and me as we chastised him. “I’m busy!”
Finally he admitted that the whole thing made him nervous. Troy’s fear seems unsupported by his sexual practices; he’s one of the safest people I know when it comes to sex. In fact (pardon the pun) he’s a bit anal about it. For Troy, I got a feeling he was more worried about being dirty than being infected. To this day he won’t even let me bring up the word felching.
“Noooo,” he squeals in an unusual high squeal, “that’s disgusting!”
“I didn’t say I ‘do it,'” I said, “I just mentioned it.”
“Still,” Troy’d say calming himself down and looking like a pious grandma, “it’s inappropriate.”
I guess it just doesn’t make sense. If Troy practices safe sex, and I practice safe sex, then why are we both so anxious about getting tested for HIV?
What are we afraid of?
I look up at the clock’s second hand tick by. Tick…Tick…my mind wanders…
I wonder if some gay men like the fact that barebacking is considered dirty. It seems to me that gays have been told by our straight society that being gay is dirty, that our being different is immoral and wrong. Now that being gay is becoming part of the mainstream culture, is barebacking some gay men’s way of staying “bad”?
Sometimes as gay man, it can feel weird to feel good about just being yourself. What I mean is that for so long I was taught that a deep part of me was wrong, hence I always felt bad about myself. It became habitual and normal to feel that way. Then when I started to come out and realize I could be my true gay self… well, that felt different from what I was taught to feel. Good, but different. Making sure feeling normal meant feeling good took some getting used to.
Maybe some gay men have bareback sex because they’re used to being treated like outcasts and fuck accordingly. Or maybe some gay men who “are above” bareback sex treat barebackers like outcasts to make themselves feel better—the oppressed become the oppressors.
Also, I wasn’t surrounded by bareback porn in 1999; now it’s everywhere. Barebacking might have began on amateur websites, but now even QC’s own Man of the Year Leo Giamani occasionally shucks the sheepskin for some skin-to-skin. Barebacking is mainstream. Yet even QC devotes an “extreme” site for bareback posts. Is that because it’s just easier if the “dirty” stuff is all on there, or is it because so many people don’t want to be associated with the dirty porn?
It seems that everyone has an opinion about barebacking—either it’s completely wrong or it’s the untouchable erotic grail. What I wonder is when did morality become part of barebacking? Take Leo for instance. Because of his popularity, he’s been given a lot of flack from people that feel he should set a standard. Is it his job to set the moral standard? Who made him the Pope of Porn?
I look up at the clock’s second hand tick by. Tick… tick… my mind wanders…
I have several friends that would actually look down on guys who bareback, seeing them as dirty. I don’t feel that way. Yeah it’s risky, but at the same time a part of me feels jealous and wishes I could bareback too. I guess what stops me more than the risk of infection is what I relate to barebacking—intimacy.
My first experience with barebacking was with my first boyfriend, who I loved very much. Neither of us had been with anyone, we were both twenty, so condoms never entered the picture. Making love with him was a spiritual experience for me. Anytime I think about an instance when I wanted to have bareback sex or I wanted to watch bareback porn, I realize that I usually felt lonely and wanted to feel connected to someone. But that’s my experience not anyone else’s. I’m sure that if my boyfriend and I had used condoms, I might feel that way towards safe-sex.
I look up at the clock’s second hand tick by. Tick–
A voice interrupted my thoughts.
“S. Prince,” the voice called out sternly. With relief, I stood up and looked at Troy, who seemed bummed that his name hadn’t been called yet. I gave him an apologetic shrug.
“How are you today?” the nurse asked as she took my weight.
I paused. The nurse didn’t even wait for my response. She turned and sauntered down the hallway as the afternoon sun cast an amber haze along the hallway.
She turned to see me still standing in the spot where she left me.
“Well,” she said studying me oddly, “are you ready?”
I stepped forward and politely smile. I’m ready…
Epilogue:
I know this column is a touchy subject. I feel that it is imperative to let you know that I am not here to promote or demote bareback sex. My hope is that you consider safety and your health in whatever sexual practices in which you partake. I think the reason so many people get worked up about it, is because so many thoughts are associated with it. Thoughts we often don’t recognize. Hopefully this column made you think with a different perspective.
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles—he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet