Digital Dongs: Pirate’s Booty And Muscle March

Back in the 90’s, we remember browsing through the video store and finding a porn featuring computer animated clowns. The animation sucked of course, like a poor man’s version of The Sims, but it used the medium to create some bizarre fucking—it had a muscle clown with an elephant trunk-sized hose, a green-skinned bottom, and of course, lots of face paint and floppy shoes.
We mention the digital clown sex only because the technology’s come a way since the Clinton administration. Earlier this year, the computer game, Bum Tropics, allowed players to become the island hooker and fuck mandroids in poop-stained bathrooms. More recently, Adult Source Media released Pirate’s Booty a full-length CGI gay porn featuring captain Jack Swallows and his randy crew as they get possessed by a hole-hungry spirit bent on swabbing poop decks and firing man-cannons—shiver me timbers!
And while the trailer seems cool, we kinda hoped for more CGI freakishhness. If you’re gonna do CGI, at least give your porn stars bodies covered in dongs, cocks shaped like candelabras, or color-changng nips. Oh well, something to look forward to, we guess. In the meanwhile, there’s another game that brings the animated weirdness to the little screen—Muscle March for the Wii. Please do yourself the favor of watching the insanely hilarious preview below and you’ll understand why we’re so excited.

While Muscle March isn’t porn per se, it’s chock full of speedo-clad musclemen flexing, making a high-speed choo-choo train, slamming each other through walls, and tackling one another. Not only does it seem super silly, but it’s kinda turning us on (come here, Mr. Polar Bear). We’re not sure when (or if) it’ll be released outside Japan, but when it does, we’ll be wishing for a CGI-animated third hand, so we can handle the Wii nun-chuck while playing with our old-skool Joysticks (or should we say, Joydicks?).