I’m a 24 year old guy and have been in a long term relationship with my partner (36) for the last five years.
I love him to bits, really love him to the point where he can do nothing wrong in my eyes. That may sound a bit extreme to some, but I think he is totally wonderful and I love him and all his idiosyncrasies and nuances. I suppose in my case you can literally say that love is blind! And, I’ve never felt there was anything wrong with that either, we can’t help the people we fall in love with can we?
But recently a few of my very closest friends took me to one side and mentioned their concerns that I am in an abusive relationship. This totally surprised me as I had no thoughts of that at all. I am not physically abused in any way, but my closest friends made these comments after a recent dinner party at our home. They particularly pointed out the fact that my partner ignores me or just talks over me constantly when we are in company and they say he doesn’t value my opinion when there is a group discussion.
I can’t say that I have ever really been bothered with that either, but they say its wrong and that I shouldn’t be walked over like that. I will admit that I am a fairly easy going and placid guy, not really boastful and more than happy to just sit there and enjoy an evening. But I am a little concerned that my close friends think or feel that I am being abused and that I am living an in abusive relationship.
So my question is, if I don’t feel abused am I actually in an abusive relationship or not? This probably sounds trivial to some of the questions asked here but it’s irritating me now and I’m not really sure who to ask for advice on this. Any experiences from others would really be most helpful – thanks!
Best wishes,
Jeremy
Hi Jeremy and thanks for your questions and concerns. You’re situation is certainly a thought provoking issue and highlights that there are no two relationships the same. What we experience inside our most intimate relationships with our partners can often appear so differently to those on the outside. So dear QC readers, what tips and advice can you give Jeremy is this situation? If you can help him in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section! Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
In our last Open Forum, we discussed barebacking in gay porn, and the lively discussion reached a mixed consensus, with the QC Jury still out on whether barebacking in gay porn is acceptable at all, and if it influences our own sexual behavior or if it doesn’t.
This time around, we wanted to look at something that caught our eye in the UK media recently, a strange article from the UK’s Daily Mail about children and teenagers having surprisingly broad vocabularies from their exposure to porn got us thinking about this week’s discussion: is gay porn, long thought to be the apex of all that’s decadent, queer and subversive about the gays, actually far less experimental and much tamer than its straight counterpart.
If you read the Daily Mail article, you may be surprised to read that local children and teenagers appear to be very familiar with porn at such a young age. But look at the type of porn they (presumably via their parents, older siblings, or other children at school) are being exposed to: porn featuring limbless people, sex with animals, and more anal than you’d see in a Treasure Island 50,000 Load Weekend marathon. And this is all straight porn.
Haven’t you ever noticed that beyond differences in body type – fratboy porn, bear porn, muscle porn, office porn and so on – gay porn tends to be pretty formulaic. Is it that gay sexual tastes are actually quite “straight” forward? Do you ever watch gay porn that is really off the beam, featuring things that are relatively way out, even shocking?
Do you wish gay porn was a bit more experimental, and if so, what would you be curious about seeing?
And, did you watch porn when you were an early teen or child? None of us on the QC editorial staff had ever heard of such a thing until we came of age.
Let’s discuss.
(Image: Race Cooper gets in touch with his inner dog at Fetish Force).
Im 20 yo and really into using the apps to hook up with other guys.. lots of guys. Loads of guys actually.. and all the time, its like the apps got me addicted somehow
Even I realize its getting out of hand now, cos i have a steady bf now but he’s cool with me meeting other guys too. So now I feel I cant stop, and im on the apps 24/7, even if im with him i arrange more hook ups. Just cant help it, its like a crazy drug and i need it.
I tried stopping a few times but each time i see another message i get excited and cant stop it, not sure what to do cos i cant afford a shrink or therapy – any ideas what i can do?
East
Hi East and thanks for your questions and concerns. Using smart phone applications and dating websites has definitely made it easier for gay men to meet up. But that doesn’t necessarily mean everyone you meet via an App has to end up with a sex date either. So dear QC readers, what tips and advice can you give East? If you can help him in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section! Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I’m a little confused, because of the TV show Modern Family. It had an episode that both Mitchel and Cam are both equal and the same.
But in sex life, is that really so? I know that being gay is not a choice, but what about when it comes to sex? Some of my gay friends claim that they are all time bottom’s, and others do not want to be pinned down by that (forgive my pun)
I know there are so many different types of gay people in this world, so is it a choice to be a top or a bottom?
J
Hi J and thanks for your writing in about this. That’s certainly an interesting question and you’re right to say there are so many different types of people out there. So when it comes to what we enjoy sexually, has that already been programmed genetically or is it something we learn by experience, habit or conditioning? Whether there is a definitive answer to this is open to debate so, dear QC readers, what advice and information can you give J? If you can help in any way, then please share your experiences, wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section! Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I’m 22 years old and have been watching gay porn for several years now, but am still confused by my feeling towards it.
I guess I’ve been brought up the “normal” American way, school, church, etc but even after all these years I feel a terrible conflict with what I am doing and who I am.
By that I mean that even though I totally love watching porn and it brings me to fantastic orgasm’s (which I find amazing) I have these horrible and terrible feelings of guilt afterwards. I’m so confused how something that feels so totally natural to me can also feel so wrong too.
I’m not out to my family but a few very close friends know I’m gay but I don’t feel comfortable discussing this with them. I am a bit introverted and shy, the quiet studious type and I’ve never really dated or had much experience with guys either.
I’m really open to any advice on this and how I can get over these deep feelings of guilt and move along with my life – seems so hard and confusing at the moment and that makes me so sad at times 🙁
Thanks so much for helping,
SD xoxo
Hi SD and thanks for your questions especially on a topic that is close to our hearts. Views on pornography and adult entertainment vary as much as the different types of genres out there. And so what seems fine to some may not be so to others. If that’s a matter or taste, upbringing or sexual orientation or a combination of many other factors it’s not always plain to see. But you’ve come to the right place to get advice on this topic! So, dear QC readers, what tips and advice can you give SD? If you can help him in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section! Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
Dear Ask QC,
I’m currently an undergrad studying in a small music conservatory where everyone knows literally everyone. Unfortunately for me, this doesn’t work well cause of what’s about to follow. I’ve been “straight” for most of my life and people in my school have known me as sorta the ladies’ man, and I still do find girls attractive. I also am very much in love with a girl from my school for the longest time, but we’ve decided to be friends since she doesn’t feel the same way about me. However, this past summer, I met some interesting people on a trip, one of whom is a gay man but doesn’t act quite like one. I really got to know him well and we did a lot of activities together and considered him one of my “bros” for the duration of the trip. I didn’t even know he was gay! (Even the girls in the trip were checking him out) Until we met his boyfriend towards the end of it. That’s when it all started. I kinda felt a little jealous about the boyfriend. He’d still spend enough time with me during the trip, but I kinda started to see him in a different light. I started to dream about him and it was just all weird, I couldn’t even explain it fully. Then when we were to part since the trio was over, I really missed him and started lusting about him. Talk about another level of weirdness.
School started last week and I came back and all of a sudden, I started noticing good-looking men. What I thought was a weird phase that could probably only be closely explained to me by “bromance” at the time followed me all the way home. I started lusting on co-workers, schoolmates, any good-looking guy, basically. It was pathetic, I thought. What weirded me out the most is that I still were able to fool around with said girl friend and still really found girls extremely attractive.
Okay, so now is the “I need help” part. The whole small school situation? Yeah. We have TONS of gays in my school. Unfortunately, they are all too out there and they tattle a lot (straight ones are just as guilty) I literally couldn’t trust anyone but two-three NON-musician friends at one point. What’s more is that the gays in the music conservatory do NOT support each other. They bash. And bash. And bash. For example, a friend came out last year and he nearly dropped out cause of how heavily unwelcome his coming out was, and it was all the gays’ fault. I, for one, want to express that I am attracted to guys just as much as I am to girls. I have recently developed this sexual craving for guys and frankly, it’s like another part of me (believe me, I’ve tried taking it out on this one girl, it’s just not the same). To add things to the worst list, I live in a small town, come from a family of strict Catholics and rednecks who would probably disown me upon knowing about my feelings toward guys. Help! I really wanna feel free about my sexuality and still love both guys and girls.
-K.
Hi K. Thank you for your question. It seems that you have accepted yourself, which is the most important part. In an ideal world, your next step would be to announce to the world that you are a proud bi man, but unfortunately, things aren’t necessarily that simple. We live in a world where sometimes people are not so open-minded and wouldn’t just let things be. There are many good reasons to come out, but Mr K also have reasons to choose not to. What do you say, dear readers? What would you do if you were in K’s shoes? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
Rod Daily’s recent admission that he tested positive for HIV(after his girlfriend Cameron Bay’s similar announcement the week before that shut down the hetero porn industry LA-wide) has re-ignited a whole bunch of conversations, and no small amount of finger-pointing.
Today, we’d like to put the finger pointing away (we have no information on how Rod came to be infected, and frankly, we don’t think it’s really any of our business) and concentrate on one particular conversation that’s doing the rounds since Rod’s announcement: we’d like to know what you think about the rights-versus-wrongs of condom-free porn.
Hi,
Everyone, I’m Horny John, and I have a question.
It was a Saturday night, I had nothing to do. So I checked in online, and “accidentally” saw a straight BDSM video clip. And the male performer is Sebastian Keys. For those pretending don’t know who is Sebastian Keys, how did you even see this article? Of course Sebastian was the one getting fucked, with a big Dildo wearing by a female Performer, Francesca Le. Sebastian’s dick was hard the whole time.
I am gay myself, and I like some of the rough stuff, but the whole point about having sex with a woman just make my hole drier than Kazakh desert, Even if I’m getting paid.
So I was wondering, is gay man capable of being straight for pay and enjoying himself? Or as long as he is the one who is getting fucked? Forgive my french.
Hi Horny John. Thank you for your question. Since there’s Gay for Pay, there’s bound to be Straight for Pay, right? So, dear readers, if you were offered a large amount of money, would you do straight porn and enjoy yourself? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
Hi Ask QC,
So I’m 22, just graduated college, am happily ‘out of the closet’ as it were and have a great set of friends (and family), but something’s been irking me for a while now.
Feelings that I thought were just normal towards my best friend have recently morphed into something a whole lot more. We met in our first year at college and lived with each other for 3 of those years until he graduated last year. College just wasn’t the same without him this year, which I thought was a pretty normal reaction to him not being there.
Then he introduced us to a girl he was dating and I had an instant dislike for her…and she was nice!? I’ve never thought of him as attractive until recently when I just can’t stop thinking “Jesus, you’re f*****g hot!”. The thing is, it’s just so difficult – he’s straight (and when I say straight, this boy is so comfortable with his sexuality that he’ll talk at arms length about my sex life with me and even gives ME advice). We talk every day by text/phone/facebook or whatever, like the same music, have the same taste in people etc etc…
I’ve been trying to get rid of these feelings for months now but they just won’t shift. I can’t cut him out of my life or do anything as drastic as that, because quite frankly, and in danger of sounding over-dramatic, I simply couldn’t live without him. The worrying thing is that I find myself planning my future around him in a sort of sub conscious way. He lives in London and I’m in the middle of looking for a career there, despite having had no interest to live there before this year! I really don’t want to tell him either. I know that he’d be fine with it for my sake, but I’d never want the underlying awkwardness of that between us if I could help it, but am finding it hard to get past this.
Any advice on what to do?
Thanks,
E.
Hi E. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. We are sorry that you are struggling with it. He sounds such a good friend, it’s understandable that you don’t want to lose that friendship. And feelings are such mysterious things, creeping up on you when you least expect it. It’s even harder when you know for certain that you won’t be getting the same feelings back. I think It’s wise that you don’t plan to tell him. Get out and meet other people, there’s somebody out there who is a better match for you and can return your feelings too. Any advice, readers? How should E get past the feelings towards his straight best friend? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
This question is a little embarrassing, but I’ll just go ahead and ask it: What’s the best way to make sure I don’t accidentally take a dump on my new boyfriend after we have sex?
I recently started dating my first boyfriend and for the first time in my life, I’m having consistent, reliably good sex. (Wooo!) The only downside is that for the first time in my life, I’m worried about how clean my ass is before sex. I’m primarily a bottom, and I’ve never been totally clear on the best way to prepare for sex. Do I douche? Do I just make sure not to eat all day? I’m not sure the best way to take care of cleanliness, and there is a surprisingly small number of resources that tell people the best way to clean out. Help!
Thanks,
SqueekyClean
Hi SqueekyClean. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. Like you, I was surprised to learn how few resources there were on this topic available online. Especially since this is one of the least intuitive (and potentially grossest) parts about being a gay man. The only advice I really have is that santorum is an occupational hazard of buttsex and I’m pretty sure that anyone who says it has never happened to them is lying. There is life after embarrasing sexual encounter. Let’s hear it though, readers? What’s the best way to make sure you are squeaky clean for your man. Any advice? What’s the best and/or safest and/or fastest way to douche for the main event? Any tips? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I have been a bigger guy ever since my grandmother’s death in the 4th grade. Recently, I heard about this diet called the HCG diet and I’m a little nervous about starting it next week.
As a fat guy, a relationship has never been an option for me because other fat guys look for chubby chasers, and all of the chasers I’ve met (not saying all of the chasers out there are) have been assholes.
It’s no secret that our community is a pretty shallow one, so my question is, should I go through with putting myself through the next couple months of hell and not eating just so I can find a boyfriend?
Thanks,
OliverSteve22
Hi OliverSteve22. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. I’ll leave it to our readers to dole out the real answers, but my first instinct is that changing yourself so that other people will like you is no way to live your life. Don’t get me wrong, fitness and health are important, but major life choices/changes need to be undertaken for the right reasons. Among other things, if you try a diet that your heart’s not really in, the odds of success drop significantly. Plus, as healthy habits go, fad diets are almost never the key to long-term weight loss.
On top of that, there’s no guarantee that losing weight would help you find a boyfriend, or that finding a boyfriend would make you happy. Do what you want to do because it makes you happy, not because you hope it’ll help you catch someone’s eye. (Incidentally, happiness is often the best way to attract a quality boyfriend. Take a beat to love the synergy.) Do you really want to date someone who is only interested in you because you lost weight? What advice do you have, readers? Any suggestions or information about the HCG diet itself? Have at it, folks! Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I’m currently dating a guy who gogo dances at a local gay club as a second job. We’ve been dating for over a year now, and I find myself a little uncomfortable with the fact that he spends his Friday and Saturday nights flirting with and getting hit on by other guys. He even gives out his number to guys that ask for it, just because he says it’s much less awkward than refusing. (In his defense, I suspect he’s probably correct about that.)
The thing is, in spite of my raging jealousy, I trust him. He comes home to me every night, and I’m not actually worried, at least intellectually, that he would cheat on me. He’s never been anything but good to me, and I have zero reason to suspect anything of him. I just wish there was some kind of magic button I could press to make this jealousy go away. Any tips for getting over my jealousy? How do I stop my boyfriend’s second job from making me a crazy person? Help!
Thank you,
Green-Eyed
Hi Green-Eyed. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. Jealousy can be tricky. Afraid I don’t have much experience with it, so I’ll turn it over to our readers straight away. What advice do you have for Green-Eyed? How can he stop being jealous of the attention his boyfriend is getting from other guys? Any ideas? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I enjoy looking at hot guys and their naked bodies. But, I am not
sexually aroused when they are touching me, or even when they asked me to suck
their lollipop. So, am I gay or just a guy who likes to look
at pretty things/guys? I am so confused!
Thank you.
G
Hi G. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. Hmm. I have to say, this is probably the most interesting letter we’ve ever received. At a certain point, I suspect you’re the only one who can say for sure whether or not you think you’re gay. Either way, though, you might be the most happy if you just do the things you find sexually gratifying (whether it’s with men or women) and don’t worry as much about what it might mean. What do you guys make of G’s letter, QCers? Anyone have similar aversions or stories to tell? Help a fella out! Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
My question is a fairly simple one. I’ve been dating a guy for six months. It’s never been overly serious, but I think the relationship has gone stale. I’m wondering what the best way to break up with him is.
I should clarify. I still think he’s a great guy, and we’ve never done anything to hurt each other. It’s just becoming increasingly clear that he’s not “the one,” and I’m fairly certain that it’s in neither of our best interests to stay in a dead-end relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So what do I do? Is there a way to approach the situation that has the highest probability of us remaining friends? What is the most tactful way to break up with someone?
Thanks,
Joe Mess
Hi Joe Mess. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. My sneaking suspicion is that breakups always contain a certain level of messiness, no matter how you go about it. Be careful, though. Not wanting to be the bad guy is usually what ends up making someone the bad guy. Honesty is key. What advice do you have for him, QCers? Anyone want to share stories about a particularly clean or messy breakup? We’ve all got messy breakup stories, don’t we? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I’ve recently discovered that I’m much kinkier than I thought. Through some especially hot online hookups, I’ve recently done some experimenting with kink and fetish play and discovered that I absolutely love it. It’s some of the hottest sex I’ve ever had. Specifically, I love bondage and dom/sub play. The problem is, I’m having a hard time translating this newfound love off of the internet into the real world.
When I meet someone in a bar, it’s hard to broach the subject. Or even when I’m dating someone, how do I tell them that I want them to slap me or tie me down when they fuck me? It’s not that I’m afraid for people to find out, necessarily, it’s just that I have a hard time figuring out how to go about telling them. It feels sort of like coming out all over again! Any advice?
Thanks,
Tied Down
Hi Tied Down. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. That sounds like a bit of a sticky situation (no pun intended), but I think you’ve probably hit the nail on the head when you compared it to coming out. Except this time, you’re coming out with a collar around your neck! What advice do you have for him, QCers? Any stories you want to share about breaking the fetish-news to someone? Surely that has the potential to provide some pretty funny stories. Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
I’m 22 and I’m kinda shy. I can talk to people but most of the times I can’t find anything to say so I prefer to stay quiet. I’ve never dated anyone and I don’t know how to meet new people. None of my friends know that I’m gay and I don’t think they need to know right know, I guess I’d like to tell them when I am dating someone. None of my friends are gay and that makes it difficult to find someone to date or at least a friend who could advice me about this. I don’t like too much going out, maybe because I’m looking for someone who loves me back and not a one night stand. Besides I prefer watching a movie instead of dancing and stuff like that, so people tend to think that I’m boring though I’m funny when I feel comfortable with the other person. All guys I was ever interested on were older than me (25-30) and though I’m 22 I look pretty boyish so I think they wouldn’t be interested on me. And the guys I like are all straight so I’ve got 0 chances of getting their attention. What can I do to start meeting new people?
Thanks,
Todd
Hi Todd. Thank you so much for your question and concerns. Dating is always tricky, and especially if you’re not quite out yet. First of all, it sounds like you need to be a little easier on yourself. Don’t assume that the guys you are into definitely aren’t going to be into you. There’s a guy out there for everyone! (Seriously though, aren’t all the worst people you know dating someone?!) What advice do you have for Todd, QCers? Any stories you want to share about when you were just starting to date? Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
