You’ve probably never heard of Pepe Pasquel Perez Paria, but you will. He’s the fictional porn star wannabe in the upcoming film Porn Start. After his reality show tanked, he and his “straight” partner decided to make a revolutionary porn film (kinda like Twilight meets Showgirls), all they need is the “financial barebacking” of a major studio. The film’s actual director, Mark Kenneth Woods also plays Pepe, so basically you have a director who would like his film to succeed playing an actor who would like his film to succeed. The trailer made us laugh. But an hour and a half of campiness? Hmmm… if Woods wants his film to succeed, Pepe may need to actually suck seed. We’d watch an hour and half of that. via
On his blog, big dicked fucker Wolf Hudson shared this darling video on how to wash your balls. It’s really just an advertisement for AXE body wash, but in the meanwhile you get to see some athletic men get their balls washed by two able young ladies. Big black balls, small bumpy balls, even wrinkly dusty old man balls… if you have manky, stanky balls, let these two gals show you just how to handle ’em!
Click on image to see video. Bobby Lee is a CGI actor for the computer gameDragon Hunter 2. And as the hero he must stab dragons in the head with a twisty motion, slay demons to each side of his face, drink their blood, take cave troll arrows from behind, finger the magic orbs, and make out with the princess. It’s a lot of hard work, especially because without all the digital editing it looks a bit like he’s the cockslut in a porno. Makes you wonder how many porn studios just tell their actors that they’re starring in a very arty gay action flick.
Do your love of showtunes and saketinis make others think you are a poof? Have your lady friends “always wanted a gay guy to go shopping with”? Do you blame your ineptitude at ball sports on your love of cock? Well, it’s time to mix all that negativity into a chair-humping, oil-spitting MACHO SALAD.
Jörgen will be our instructional chef today. He’s the star of the Swedish film Farsan. Jörgen has “become convinced that his wife thinks he isn’t manly enough. So he “embarks on a quest to become more assertive and studly in order to save his marriage.”
We normally prefer a Cobb Salad—something with animal flesh, fatty bacon, artery clogging blue cheese, and globs of ranch dressing—but a macho salad is just as good. Just squeeze the life out of those sissy tomatoes, break that cocky cucumber in half and PUNCH THAT FUCKING SALAD IN THE FACE! Not only will the large veggie chunks make swallowing a man’s challenge, but every bite will taste like pure awesome because you totally pwned it (yes, pwned)!
Hey all you chicken hawkers and sugar daddies! Looking for a young, hairless twink to suck your crooked drooling meat bat? It sure sounds like fun UNTIL THE POLICE GET INVOLVED. Take it from Tag Adams, statutory rape is a total boner killer. So why not sing along with your Uncle Merv instead and learn the U.S. ages of consent? That way you can spread your seed among the young saplings clean across the country! Or, you could… y’know… just date men your own age (boring as that is).
We know that you’re a cock-hungry bunch, but did you know that you’re also blood-thirsty and in league with the devil? It’s true as The Homosexual Menace and Bryan Safi of That’s Gay point out. Turns out that being gay makes us much queerer than we thought. Of course, maybe these villainous depictions of homos are little more than jealousy. After all, we are more fabulous and tend to get laid a heck of a lot more often than our straight male counterparts. It’s a fact, we read it on a bathroom wall.
While Americans continue to fight about whether or not to allow queermos into their armed forces, only one publication is fearless enough to mention the hot gay orgies that will overtake our battlefields once openly gay men are allowed to rim, er, blow, er… serve—The Onion. Yes, it’s a fake newspaper, but there’s nothing fake about the boner we got reading their satirical article on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell:
Despite its support from the defense secretary and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, the repeal has been condemned by many military officers who worry it could disrupt troop cohesion and endanger the lives of the taut young soldiers who have dedicated their lives to serving America with “every rippling muscle in their rock-hard bodies.”
Others have argued that allowing gay soldiers to push their lifestyle on others, testing the limits of pleasure a man can take before he erupts in uncontrollable ecstasy, would seriously damage morale.
“Our men need to know they can count on each other in battle, and we can’t have them getting distracted by illicit romantic dalliances,” said Gen. James T. Conway, commandant of the Marine Corps. “Especially if one’s a little blond Adonis farm boy and his buddy’s a real tough street kid straight out of Brooklyn. I mean, think about it: What if they lock eyes and abandon their post to start ripping each other’s fatigues off, revealing twin sets of glistening washboard abs and at last fulfilling their hidden passions?”
Continued Conway, “Is this the message we want to send to our enemies?”…
This May, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) promised voters he would do everything in his power to prevent gays from serving openly in the armed forces…
“Imagine you’ve got a boat full of sailors out cruising the Gulf of Aden when all of a sudden they’re attacked. Some of the homosexuals lock themselves below deck and begin touching themselves,” said the 73-year-old senator and Vietnam War veteran, his breath quickening. “One of their names is Ricardo. Unbuttoning his pants, he throws his gunner’s mate down on the cot and penetrates him, his big, beautiful dick shimmering with power, his dog tags bouncing up and down as he’s pounding, and pounding, and pounding.”
Added McCain, “What I’m trying to say is: It all boils down to combat effectiveness.”
The recession has really bent a lot of us over and taken us from behind. But Reese Rideout can tell you how to make $5000 extra bucks a month working entirely from home. All you need is a phone, a smile, and a knack for customer service. It’s easier than you think and can make playtime paytime!
Now that you’ve made a little more pocket money, it’s time to capitalize on your newfound suck-cess by making some new hot porn. But where to start? Let Chi Chi tell you how. With just a few nipple clamps, good lighting, and a black guy you’ll be making mega fuckbucks!
Have you ever seen those drawings where if you show it to a child, they’ll see two dolphins, but if you show it to an adult, they’ll see two people fucking? Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge is kinda like that. When we saw it in the 80’s we just found it entertaining yet bad. And now that we understand the entire gay subtext of the film… WE LOVE IT! The director has spoken about the film’s gay overtones and others have described the homo-tension running clear through the film. Just check it out for yourself… Freddy is trying to get inside of him and it’s so gay, it’s scary!
We started to worry about Reese Rideout‘s recent lack of weird YouTube videos, but he and Chip Tanner have come back with an important message—from God! You don’t have to worry about burning in hell for masturbating to QueerClick ever again; God’s cool with it. He’s not only cool with it, in fact, he’s doing it right now! (Wait, is God wearing a diaper?) The video gets ironically preachy especially when God says that he hates people speaking for him (ahem) but it ends with some oral action. Well, at least as much oral action as you can get on YouTube—praise the Lord! Watch Reese Rideout get jiggy with it on YouTube: “Berry” Washes Reese Rideout’s BMW Reese Rideout YouTube Videos Reese Rideout Hula Hoops on Wii
It’s ultra lame to admit, but in the 1980’s when there was no internet and we were too young to buy gay porn, we used to masturbate to the 8-bit NES version of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. We left the controller on the floor and wanked off while the shirtless pixelated studs would beat the shit out of us—mega hot, mega sad.
But modern video games now have all sorts of great options for actually having gay sex instead of just imagining it. We already told you about the hot man-on-elf action in Dragon Age, but apparently there’s even an RPG where you can choose to have unprotected anal sex. How far gay gaming has cum! Bryan Safi from That’s Gay kicks it around QC: ACOCKALYPSE NOW “No Homo” Gayngels And if you like sexy gay games: Porn Star or Potato? and Gay Bar or Steakhouse? Cruising Room, Kinky Keeper, and Hunkcraft Keric’s Complex and Kingdom Cum
It’s time for you and your penis to have a heart-to-hard on. Things haven’t been working out lately. In the old days all you needed was some porn and lube to get off to a good start. These days he’s gotten rather uncooperative. But maybe it’s your fault. Have you ever thought about how he feels when you go around sticking him in weird places? And what about hygiene?
These two cute fellas did a country song about man’s best friend and getting in touch with your first love. It’s cute and even though there’s audio of some VJs laughing over it, you’ll probably find yourself snickering too and wanting to make nice with the little man in your life.
Ever been told to “man-up and grow a pair?” We have (thanks, grandma). But testicles don’t grow on trees, y’know. That’s where openly bisexual comedian John Leguizamo steps in and has he got a deal for you! He’s gonna give you a pair of brass-hard balls and even throw in the veins and the hair for free. Now you can let your ass slappers and good fellas hang with pride! Now go ask for that raise and start shit with that turd burglar who’s been giving you the fuck-eye at the local—kickass!
In case you hadn’t heard,Lucas Entertainment recently won a lawsuit against International Media Films (IMF) for the right to use the title “La Dolce Vita” as one of their porn titles. You see, Italian director Federico Fellini directed “La Dolce Vita” in 1960 and Lucas liked the film so much that he made a porn homage to it using the same name in 2006. IMF claimed they owned the copyright, but the judge said they failed to prove that. So in true Michael Lucas style, he released the following press statement:
“I’m proud that my company won a case of such magnitude. We believed strongly that we hadn’t done anything wrong even before we learned, through the meticulous, extensive and expensive fieldwork of our lawyers, that IMF doesn’t even own the movie it went to court over. Of course I can only guess at my opponents’ motivations, but if they thought that they could get a quick payday by walking all over a porn company, they were sorely mistaken. I am very proud that my company had the professionalism, the quality legal advice and the financial resources to stand up to this bullying.”
Now that that’s all settled, Lucas is free to film porn re-makes of any Fellini film he wants. So to help out our ol’ buddy, we’ve decided to recommend which Fellini classics he should re-make next. Luckily, most of Fellini’s films had lots of sex in them anyway, so by adding naked actors and some gay sex—PRESTO! An instant gay porn classic! We’ve even suggested alternate plotlines and actors so all Mr. Lucas has to do is hit record and watch the Lira roll in! 8½: Finally, a star vehicle for Michael Lucas! The cocky director would be great as Guido Anselmi, the director with a creative block who decides to make his next film about all the people he’s ever fucked: his spouse, his actor, his prostitute, his crazy ex, and his piece of ass on the side. In short, the film would be very much like Lucas’ real life—only much shorter and without all the bitchy press. 8½ INCHES: Michael Lucas plays himself, a director who longs for for a better sex life and a great idea for his next porno. He decides to make a porno about himself making a porno (how meta). In the meanwhile, he fucks a bunch of hot men in search of an 8.5 inch muse who can satisfy both his creative and carnal needs.
A semi-autobiographical movie would be not good if it left us semi-hard. So we’re matching Lucas up with all the hottest men he’s ever fucked—such as Lucky Daniels (the prostitute) , Wilfried Knight (the actor), Blu Kennedy (his piece of ass on the side), and Jonathan Agassi (his spouse). We know some of the cast would object to being in a movie with a title that’s… ahem… “beneath them”, but they’ll really have to work their asses off to prove that they measure up to the action.
And just for fun, why don’t we throw in 2 Jacks: big-dicked baddie Jack Simmons and Jack Ryan (because he’s hot), as well as top vers stud Carlos Caballero and Arpad Miklos as Lucas’ horny production assistant. With all these hot men and big dicks swinging around, we can’t wait until the big orgy scene at the end when all the people and players from Lucas’s life gather for a grand finale!
