QColumn: A Gay In The Life: Intimate Portrait

Intimate Portrait
Part 1 of 2
By Steve Prince
“Girl, he pounded me so hard that I thought my ass was going to fall off!”
“Well…” I paused not knowing exactly how to respond, “good for you, Carlos.”
“I know,” Carlos said, a hint Mexican accent coming out as he got excited. “His dick was so big too; I had to bite my pillow and do some deep breathing just to take that shit.”
“Boy,” I said jokingly, “be careful. I’m not carrying around your colostomy bag when we’re old queens.”
We both laughed. Carlos loved telling me about his sex affairs and I loved hearing about them; a sex columnist enjoys hearing about sex after all.
The waiter brought us two more beers. He and Carlos locked eyes like teenagers wanting to rip one another’s clothes off. The waiter walked away.
“Damn,” Carlos said licking his lips, “that guy is fine.”
“Finish the story,” I said tapping him on the arm.
“Well,” he looked up at the ceiling and sighed, “I stayed over and the next morning we had sex again. Then we went out and had brunch. Then we came back and had amazing sex again.”
“Jeezus,” I said, feeling a little jealous.

Carlos’ face fell. “And that was two weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since,” he said.
“What?” I asked, my jaw dropping. “Really?”
“Yep,” he said taking a sip of beer. “I really liked that guy. We really had a connection, you know? We were finishing one another’s sentences and I felt like I gave him a part of me that few people have seen.”
“How long had you both been seeing each other?” I asked.
Carlos pursed his lips together and clicked his tongue in his month to think. “Um,” he paused, “it was the third date. So two weeks.”
Oh Carlos.
Carlos is my friend that can’t get love versus sex, or love and sex figured out in his mind. I always get sucked into his relationship stories. As he describes them, they always seem so dramatic, so intense, and so romantic. But when I find out how long he’s been dating the guy, it’s rarely longer than a month.
It seems most gay men have that one friend who’ll jump into bed with anyone and then fall in love later. Is that the way it works? I guess falling in love and then having sex hasn’t worked out for a lot of people either, so who am I to judge?
But it does makes me wonder: as a gay man, what are we searching for? Is it love? Sex? Love or Sex? Sex and Love?
Or is it intimacy?
First, one has to figure out what intimacy really is. So as soon as I got home, I looked it up:
In-ti-ma-cy, noun
1. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
2. sexual intercourse.
3. the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar: the intimacy.
4. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret.
So intimacy is both love and sex? There’s that phrase “being intimate with someone,” but I don’t know anyone who says that except for my mother and the ladies in her knitting group.
I decided to get an opinion.
“How are you and Tony intimate?” I asked Mother Norman.
Dillon (aka “Mother Norman”) and Tony have been together for over two years now.
I thought they might give me some perspective about what is intimacy when the sex isn’t so new anymore.
“Hmm,” Dillon said chewing his salad. He chewed for a bit and thought quietly, the continuous hum of the cars on Melrose Avenue playing in the background.
“Talking,” Dillon said with finality.
“Talking?” I asked surprised.
“Yeah,” he said continuing, “that’s when I feel the absolute closest to Tony—when we talk. Usually, I get home late from work and he comes in from school. We both sit on the couch and just catch up on the day.” He smiled reflectively. “Those are the moments I look forward to coming home to.”
“But what about sex?” I asked.
“Oh sex is great,” Dillon said, “but it’s not like we’re fucking like we used to. Sex is also intimate, I guess. Still, that’s not when I feel the closest to Tony. For me intimacy is feeling close to someone and them seeing me for who I really am.”
Well, this was a total mindfuck! Sex didn’t even have anything to do with intimacy for Dillon.
Later that night, I laid on my bed trying to read for school when Alex called.
“Heeey,” he said, his accent thick as ever.
“What’s up, sugar?”
Alex’s voice rang with excitement. “Oh my Gosh! You won’t believe what happened.”
“What?” I put my book down and sat up in bed.
“Well,” Alex said with a giggle, “this is Dave’s story.”
Let’s take a moment: Dave is Alex’s boyfriend. He and Alex started dating about four months ago—Alex was deliriously happy. If I didn’t love Alex so much it would have been sickening. Troy and I could tell that it was only a matter of time before Alex and Dave began throwing around the “L” word. Whenever we brought this up to Alex, he’d deny it furiously.
“We’re taking things slow,” he’d protest. It didn’t matter what he said because we could see the signs. Troy and I saw the way they looked at one another. They were both smitten as smitten could be.
So as I sat on my bed and listened to Alex’s tone, I had a pretty good idea of what he was about to tell me.
“Well,” he said, “it finally happened. Dave told me he was falling in love with me.”
Even though it was expected I still squealed, which by now shouldn’t surprise anyone.
“Tell me what happened,” I demanded.
“Well,” he said his voice getting quieter, “Dave and I were having sex. It was so hot. Oh my God, you should have seen it. Well no, you shouldn’t have, because that would be weird. You know what I mean. Anyway, so I’m fucking Dave and he just loves it. He’s moaning about how hot I am, and I’m moaning about how hot he is.”
“Aaaand?” I encouraged him, “I get it. Everyone’s hot.”
“Aaaand,” Alex continued, “then he came all over my chest and leaned down and said, ‘I think I’m falling in love with you’.
I squealed again. “That’s so sweet!”
“Yeah,” Alex paused, “I guess.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m very, very happy he said it, but,” Alex sighed. “Well that’s what I called you about. I’m super glad he told me he loved me, but he said it during sex AND right after he came. That’s not very romantic.”
“Says who?” I asked.
“Well,” Alex continued, “that’s not the way I imagined it.”
“But how much more intimate can you get?” I asked getting on my soapbox. “That was such a personal moment. I mean you’re both naked and you’re actually inside him. What do you want, a card?”
The next day, I thought more about my conversation with Alex. Maybe intimacy wasn’t about sex. Alex had imagined a sunset picnic, wine, and candles for his “I love you moment.” My own definition of intimacy (whatever that would turn out to be), didn’t seem to fit with Alex’s. Now I felt more confused than ever.
All right, I needed more info. I needed another opinion. I needed an answer.
I needed a drink.
“Hello,” Troy answered.
“Sugar,” I said, my voice determined, “are you free tonight?”
“Eternally,” Troy said with a saddened sigh.
“Meet me in West Hollywood,” I said.
“For what?” Troy asked.
“For an experiment…”
I hung up my phone, grabbed my keys and headed out the door. I slammed the door shut with determination.
Come back next week to see Steve, get to the “bottom” of this quest for the meaning of intimacy.
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles—he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet
What If…
Just Beat It