QColumn: A Gay In The Life – Eye Of The Beholder

Eye of the Beholder
By Steve Prince
“I can’t do this, Stevie.”
“Yes you can, Alex.” I paced back and forth in my room, something I do when talking on the phone. “You are just meeting him in New York and meeting his parents. That’s it.”
“But this is a vacation,” Alex implored as if I missed something.
“Aaaand?” I asked, wondering if I’d missed something.
“Aaand,” Alex continued, “people have sex on their vacation.”
“Well, fuck yeah they do,” I said with a laugh.
“But what happens if I can’t get it up?” Alex pleaded, his voice rising. Oh Jeezus not this again. Alex seemed to always get so hung up on his hard-ons.
“First of all, take a breath,” I sighed, “and secondly, Dave cares for you. It’s not just about sex.”
“That’s hard for me to believe,” Alex began.
I cut him off, “So it’s hard to believe you’re more than just sex?”
Silence.

It always baffles me how my friend’s sense of self is usually much different than how other people see them.
Take Alex. He’s a beautiful, beautiful man—outside and in. He strives to be honest, giving, healthy, respectful, and fun. His life is full of deep connections with his family and his good friends.
Yet he doesn’t see this. Oh, he might acknowledge it but then he waves a compliment away like wind stretching itself from shore to sea.
A day later, I still thought about Alex being so nervous to meet Dave in New York. Something about our conversation didn’t sit well with me, but I couldn’t figure out what.
“The whole thing is just weird,” I said to Raquel over the phone. I was leaving the office for my lunch break.
“Well,” Raquel said patiently, “everyone has their hang-ups.”
I burst through the building doors. Sunlight flooded the courtyard in front of the skyscraper. Like robotic Sims, men and women in suits and ties dotted the courtyard to and from their work lunches.
“A lot of men freak out about getting it up,” Raquel said knowingly.
“Yeah but this is different,” I said loudly and exacerbated. “Gay men are fucked up sometimes!”
I said this last part loudly. Okay, I yelled. Sometimes I get caught up in the moment. I wasn’t paying attention and I practically yelled it.
As Raquel began to respond, a chuckle came from nowhere. I turned to the left to see a man chuckle. I caught his gaze and we both smirked simultaneously.
“Don’t you think?” Raquel asked.
“Huh?” I responded.
I kept walking and I turned to check the guy out who’d just passed me. He was turning to check me out as well. Quickly I faced forward.
“That’s it, right?” Raquel asked again.
“What?” I asked absent-mindedly.
I turned again to see the cute brunette man turn to face me again. He smiled at me and I grinned sheepishly back.
“Are you listening to me?” Raquel asked definitely.
“Uh,” I said making my mind up on the spot, “I’ll call you back.”
With a “beep” I hung up the call while hearing Raquel’s, “Wait!” And “What the—”
I turned to look at the cute passerby again. This time he turned and grinned at me.
And then something happened to me that NEVER happens to me when I meet cute guys—I felt completely relaxed.
I walked towards him with a swagger, while he grinned knowingly.
“Sorry for that outburst back there,” I said sarcastically.
“Oh no,” he said, “It was much appreciated.” He smiled. “Gay men ARE fucked up a lot of the times.”
We both smiled.
“I’m Steve,” I said extending my hand.
“Hi,” he said, “I’m Andy.”
He was cute, and completely my type. Andy was my height, with dark brown hair, and artistic sad eyes that seemed to give him an “aww shucks” look about himself. Immediately I felt attracted to him.
“Have you been in LA long?” I asked.
Jesus Christ! What a lame question.
“Actually just a couple of months,” responded, “I’ve only been working at a law firm for a bit under a year actually.
We chatted for a bit, and I finally got his phone number.
The next day I called him. Things were different this time. When I called Mark I didn’t create grand ideas about what might happen to both of us. I’ve realized that I have done that in all my previous relationships, but this time I am just trying to stay in the moment.
Bottom line… Andy never called me back, but that’s okay. That isn’t the point of this story.
Alex’s story of completely missing the picture of himself resonated with me. What if I was seeing myself, completely different than my friends were? Was I valuing my self a lot less than my friends?
I thought about how I would feel if I were in Andy’s position. Doing this made me realize how grateful I am for getting myself out there. Who do I want to be perceived as? As the shy, awkward child who sits in the corner of a bar and doesn’t ask people out, or as the extroverted man who feels empowered by talking to other men and asking them out. I mean hey—the worst they can say is no.
This perception has re-shaped how I think of myself. Instead of being the nervous guy at the club, I would much rather be the man people might not be interested in, but at least I am memorable. Hopefully if Andy looks back he might think… You know, that Steve. I’m not into him, but damn he has balls for asking me out right in the middle of the courtyard. I would much rather be known for someone with balls than the shy guy who sits in the corner and does nothing.
I am beginning to discover that perception is just a way that someone sees me or the way I see myself; it’s not fact. If the perception I have of myself doesn’t match the reality I want—I can change that. It’s powerful to realize this and a little bit scary at the same time. I don’t want to be like Alex unable to absorb the good qualities my friends see; I want more. And the best part is that I am finally able to realize that I deserve just that… more.
————————————-
Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles—he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
————————————-
Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet
What If…
Just Beat It
Intimate Portrait
Intimate Portrait (Part Deux)
Intimate Portrait (Part Trois)
State of Mind
The Age of Disbelief
A Man For All Seasons
Summer Lovin’
A-Men
The Urge
Gettin’ It Done
Here You Cum Again