Yeah, it’s an ad for an XBOX dancing game, but there’s something alluring about seeing a hairy average Joe wearing gold lame hot pants, high-heel platform shoes, and rocking the man-pouch to “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.” After all, we already know how hot it is when Marco DaSilva and the Randy Blue boys dance to Kylie. And now that you mention it… yeah, we’d do him. But why in the world does he cut that red bucket for? Maybe it’s a secret Kylie maneuver.
Remember the dildo chair from the Coen brothers’ film Burn After Reading? Apparently Holland artists Lernert Engelberts and Sander Plug do and they’ve built a bunch of other dirty contraptions to play to De Jeugd Van Tegenwoordig’s Elektrotechnique. Forget the dildo chair! They’ve got machines for spanking, stomping, some hot umbrella action, and something ambitious involving a watermelon. No it’s not like when FratMen’s Spencer fucked a pumpkin. Just watch and see.
Which reminds us, if you’ve ever used a machine for sex (whether it be a battery-operated dildo, a cellular phone for dirty talk, or a DVD player for porn… you’ve had sex with machines. It’s a slippery slope to having sex with robots, our friends. Didn’t you know they’re even teaching how to use sexual power tools in America’s leading universities? We’ll see you in the cyber dungeon, mate.
For some guys, condoms seem an unsexy chore. First you gotta find it, and then unwrap it with your gooey hands. And then, if that wasn’t bad enough then you gotta vacuum seal your cock inside of it, and then lube it up before you even try to enter. Men who think like this are lazy, self-indulgent turds. Everyone should know that condoms can be fun—just take it from these two Chinese guys. They love cruising the city, beach, and local bathrooms in search of a good time. And condoms makes it a super, happy, rainbow, fun muscle-time!
We’ve talked about the Pride and Prejudice involved in being a 350-pound nude model, but we’ve never properly discussed Jane Austen’s fine comedy of manners. Thank goodness for this abbreviated porn version remixed from the audiobook. Now you can learn all about Mr. Darcy’s dick, Ms. Bennett’s asshole, and the naughty dalliances of Uncle Muffins and Captian Breakfast. Who said our porn website weren’t classy?
Oooh! And don’t forget to check out the audiobook for Harry Potter and the Underage Blowjob
We already titillated you with elves and hobbitsthis last weekend. But if you’re more the RPG type, here’s a secret scene of gay sex tucked away in the newly released Dragon Age 2 game. There’s lots of breathy kissing, touchy-feely emotions, and soap opera dialogue, but seeing two warriors mount each other in Beowulf’s secret boudoir is hot. Video games letting male characters flirt and dry hump off camera! Excellent. But we bet that bedding this outlaw actually takes some skill besides just multiple-choice flirting.
Dave Franco has a lot in common with his older brother—dashing good looks, a sexy voice, and a homoerotic streak a mile wide. Just watch him and actor Chris Mintz-Plasse (aka McLovin from Superbad) dirty-talk one another in an intensely sexual game of chicken. If you can get through Dave saying…
“God you are so hot. I wanna strip you down butt-ass naked and literally cover every single inch of your body with my tongue. I mean up and down left and right until you can’t stand it anymore and your back is arched, you’re clawing at my chest, panting in my ear just fucking begging for it and we both cum almost instantaneously in unison and it’s fucking epic.”
… without getting a boner, you’re the real winner in this competition.
If you can get past the straight dude douchebaggery (just like the the hot rugby commercial we shared a little while back), you may find yourself suddenly turned on. Best line: “Celery? Are you serious? Do you want a side of tampons with that?”
OK, OK, OK… so this isn’t really gay porn, but this great little short about love and sex has kissing, blowjobs, and some very athletic anal! There’s even a penis rollercoaster ride—wow! And usually safe-sex ads just feature sex, a laundry list of diseases, or some porn star telling you that you need to do it. But how many feature the romantic development of a guy from childhood on with all the heartbreak, hope, trauma, and love found in actual life? Seriously, we love this funny, sexy short and its message: “Live long enough to find the one—protect yourself.”
Unless you have a thing for wizards, elves, and hobbits (and we know some of you nerdy freaks do) this excellent remix of exclamations from all three Lord of the Rings films should provide an excellent porn break. Of course, if you’re one of those aforementioned fanboys who get a sword in their pants over dwarves and paladins, then there’s a collection of sexy LOTR links below. See? We love you hot nerds!
You may remember the rapping “drag-terrorist” Christeene and her raunchy video for “Fix My Dick”. She’s a mess of a man who calls her ass a pussy and calls her dick a tube steak. Anyhow, she’s back and encouraging folks to drop it in someone’s “buh-ho.” Don’t back down from the brown, cuz’ Christeene is ready to go to pound town. Heck, she’s even willing to crawl up in a colon herself with her two hairy and beefy studs—an insanely dirty scene that you won’t believe!
OK, so it’s not an ad for beer so much as an ad for a boot-shaped beer glass, but it’s still gay as blazes! The techno music, metal-studded shades, and shirtless beefcake in lederhosen got us hooked. Just one problem–apart from the guy drinking mayonnaise that is–we’re almost certainly not their target audience. Oh well… bottoms up!
Late night funnywoman Chelsea Handler mentioned QueerClick on her show for our expose of the porn connection between The King’s Speech-UK Naked Men. We received no actual award for our ace investigative journalism (unless you count the reacharound we gave to ourselves after we hit the publish button), but getting a shout-out on her show is like an award in and of itself—a very tipsy, cursey, vokda-scented award. We’ve put it after the jump for your wonder and envy. Thanks Chelsea!
We’re still busy wiping our tears over secksy artfreak Francois Sagat’s semi-retirement, but you’ll still have one last chance to see him turn his sexy ass out… well, if you live in France anyway. TITAN media and the Gay Porn Times both just released mention of Canal+’s Francois Sagat documentary playing on French national TV March 1st.
While Americans can’t even let gays kiss on national TV, French audiences will have the pleasure of watching this magnificent manicorn turn himself out in a rhinestone studded speedo on national TV. The documentary also features Dean Monroe, Wilifried Knight speaking French, and Chi Chi LaRue being interviewed in a toilet—maybe they were filming a scene in her office. We’d love to see a subtitled version of the doc, but until then we’ll have to content ourselves with the video short of Sagat posing for gay shutterbug Terry Richardson (above). Oh Francois! Fade away never!
Spring is approaching and you know what that means… Turkish oil wrestling season!!! We’ve long enjoyed photos of the wrestlers rubbing each other in oil, but we’ve never had such a hot sensuous video to really watch and enjoy the sport for its technical merit—especially when that technique involves sliding hands down an opponents pants to fondle his junk and turn him into a fist fuppet. What Turkey calls a sport, we call a second date.
