QColumn: A Gay In The Life: A New Resolve

A New Resolve
By Steve Prince
The car chirped beep-beep as I locked the doors, and made my way up my front porch.
Finally, I was back home in Los Angeles.
It’s always a feeling of déjà vu—returning after Christmas in Oklahoma. I always walk in and sigh exhaustedly, drop my bag—which sits there for at least a day—plop myself on my couch and unwind, usually while going through my mail.
This time back from Oklahoma was no different—I came home alone with Peter still in Oklahoma. Sadly, I never even got to see him. He was too busy trying to “fit in” time with everyone. Also, his Grandpa was dying so I understood him wanting to spend time with him. Still, I felt a bit bummed I didn’t see him, especially on New Year’s Eve.
Okay, honestly I felt a bit shunned, but realized selfishness. Give him space, I kept reminding myself. In fact, give him space, had quickly become my new mantra for Peter nowadays. Still, really…he couldn’t spare just one night for New Year’s Eve? Instead I spent another year watching everyone kiss their significant others at the stroke of midnight. I wanted that.

Musing in my glumness, I began sorting through the mail. My eyes rested on a large red envelope, one of the many holiday cards I receive. I read the name on the card, “Summer Denham“—my old Queer Dear.
My mind flashed back to last year when I arrived home and opened her card. A deluge of good memories with her washed over me followed by a feeling of loss that she had moved on in her life.
“Oh shit,” I said aloud, remembering last year. I’d forgotten that I had made a resolution. Yes, I know how some people feel about New Year’s resolutions—they’re something I very rarely make.
My resolution for 2009 was to take more emotional care of myself. Instead of focusing on others and their needs, I vowed to be more aware of my own needs and not guilt myself into situations that I didn’t want to be in.
And then his face drifted into my consciousness…Peter. What was I doing with him? Where were we? I hadn’t talked to him in almost two weeks; is that the way boyfriends behave? I sighed trying to release the spiraling of my own thoughts. I didn’t want to obsess over this right now. Like a blessing, the phone rang.
“Girl,” Cody’s voice rasped through the phone, “are you home yet?”
“I just got in,” I said, “literally. How was your New Year?”
“Oh my God,” Cody said chuckling, “Palm Springs was craaa-zyy, and so much fun! Yours?”
“Eh,” I said.
“Ah, Stevie,” Cody said, “sounds like someone has the January blues…”
“Yeah, I guess,” I said, noting how pathetic I sounded.
“Want to talk about it?” Cody asked.
“Not really,” I said.
“Want to drink about it?” Cody asked, without missing a beat.
I was already on my feet looking for my keys before I said yes…
Thirty minutes later, I watched Cody exhale, the smoke of his cigarette swirling into the chilly night.
“I thought you were quitting smoking after the New Year,” I noted.
Cody took another drag and smiled. “After tonight.”
I took a swig from my beer. The patio at the Motherload Bar was practically empty; it was a Wednesday night. Los Angeles is an odd town. When I first moved here, I assumed it would be like New York; people everywhere all the time. That’s not the case. The city seems to move at the same pace of a small town back in Oklahoma. People don’t go out a lot on weeknights and after midnight the city seems to close in on itself. By 2 a.m. the streets are deserted.
Cody and I caught up and chit-chatted about our breaks before he finally asked the question, “Where’s Peter?”
My lips tightened, trying to grasp the right words to say.
“Oh,” Cody said, “Gotcha.”
Cody sighed and looked around, “What do you say we go inside where all the fun is eh?”
“Sure,” I said, downing my beer. I think that was my third of the night, and I quickly was progressing into an impressive night of drunkenness.
“Here,” Cody said handing me a shot.
“Cody,” I said, “You shouldn’t have.”
“I didn’t,” Cody said, and cocked his head towards a group at the end of the bar. “He did.”
A group of guys stood watching us both. It was obvious they knew Cody, because, well…Cody knows everyone. One man looked at me intensely and I immediately knew who had bought me the shot, he held one as well. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled politely back and tipped the shot down my throat. It burned. Tequila…oh Jeezus.
My phone vibrated in my jeans; I pulled it out of my pocket. It was Peter. I stuffed it back into my pocket.
Four more beers and another shot later, I looked down to see the fourth missed call from Peter, although I had to hold the phone practically to my face to read the words. I was blasted. Cody was talking to one of the guys in the group, and I was having a lengthy conversation about film with Seth—the guy who bought the shot. He was a few years older than I. He was responsible. He was confident. He was out. He was everything Peter wasn’t.
Finally, my phone buzzed again. This time it was a text from Peter…
I need to talk to you and get something off my chest. Call me.
I stuffed it in my pocket. My New Year’s resolution was to honor myself and not take care of others with nothing in return, yet when I thought about the progress I had made, I couldn’t see any. Perhaps Peter was a step back. Give him space, had become my motto for this year. What about my space? Who was taking care of me? Seth looked at me and blinked rapidly; he was drunk too.
“Everything okay?” he said.
I shook my head no, feeling the beginning of tears burning the corners of my eyes. Before he could respond I leapt forward and kissed him, trying not to notice my phone vibrating in my pocket.
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles—he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet
What If…
Just Beat It
Intimate Portrait
Intimate Portrait (Part Deux)
Intimate Portrait (Part Trois)
State of Mind
The Age of Disbelief
A Man For All Seasons
Summer Lovin’
A-Men
The Urge
Gettin’ It Done
Here You Cum Again
Eye Of The Beholder
The Present
A Minute’s Pause
Brotherly Love
Ladies Who Lunch
Here Cums The Rain Again
Dinner For Two
Blow by Blow
Commando
Cum As You Are?
Aftershock!
Caught in the Act
The Great Compromise
The Tipping Point
Cross Country
In Stereo
Get Smart
Blind Faith
The Dirty Mexican
A Few Good Men
Peter’s End
Getting Stuffed
The Good Boy
Cracking Up
The Agreement
Fuck Road