QColumn: A Gay In The Life: On A Jet Plane

On A Jet Plane
By Steve Prince
My eyes scanned down the e-mail to linger on his arrival date one last time.
LAX. United. 12:37p.m.
With a quick breath, I trotted towards my back door, grabbed my keys, and pulled out of my driveway in seconds.
Oh God. What would I say to him?
That question perpetually looped in my brain. In fact, I asked the very same thing when talking to the boys two days ago. It blared in my head, as I feel asleep that night. This morning, I awoke to it trumpeting like a chorus from Handel’s Messiah.
My fingers fidgeted on the steering wheel unable to focus. I would have bitten my nails, except that I’d already chewed them to the nub.
I turned on La Brea to head towards the 10. It was noon—straight up. I’d be there in twenty minutes.
The phone rang. Ah, a reprieve from my own thoughts.
“Hello,” I answered cautiously.

“Girl!” a sharp voiced whip through my Bluetooth, “You do not sound good.”
It was Dillon. Thank God, an angel.
“Sugar,” I said trying to smile, “it’s a bit rough right now.”
I’d forgotten that he didn’t know about my cheating on Peter. I sighed knowing it’d all come out in the wash anyway.
“I fucked up.” I said flatly.
“What did you do?” he asked, “Cum in his eye?”
I laughed politely. “Well, you know I’ve done that before. I only wish this time.”
I paused.
“I cheated on him,” I said. I felt like I was coming out or something, but at least that was a good thing.
“Oh Steve,” Dillon said, his usual chipper voice evaporated. I felt as if my Mom or Dad had just said, “I’m so disappointed in you, Steve.” His tone cut through me.
“I know…” I said trying to focus on driving and not crying.
“I didn’t mean to. See what happened—” I began.
“Wait babe,” Dillon interrupted, “I don’t care what happened. That’s in the past. If I spent all my time worrying about my past, girl I’d shoot myself in the head for all dumb shit I’ve done. What I wanna know is what you’re gonna do now.”
“I’m on my way to pick him up at the airport,” I said, “and he doesn’t know yet.”
“Are you going to tell him?” he asked.
I paused.
“OK, so you don’t know,” Dillon concluded.
“What do you think?” I asked genuinely. I know I’m a thirty-year-old man, but I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.
“Ah boy,” Dillon sighed, “you just love denying yourself.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Look Steve,” his pace quickened, “what do you want out of this? And before you give me some stock answer, I want you really think about this. Or rather, what do you feel about this? Knowing you, you’ve been doing nothing but thinking and being in your head since you met Peter. Remember when you asked me about intimacy?”
“Yeah.”
“And what did I say?” he asked.
“Umm,” I didn’t know where he was going with this. “Well, you said that communication is much more intimate that sex.”
“Are you intimate with Peter?” he asked.
I saw where he was headed. “Well, yeah. We talk,” I began. “But here’s the deal, Peter can only take so much. He’s newly out and I don’t want to freak him out. And sometimes he gets so hot and cold that I don’t know where he’s going.”
“Steve, let me tell you something,” he said, his tone signifying a moment of clarity about to issue from his lips. “You compromise on who’s going to do the dishes. You compromise when you’re exhausted, he’s horny, so you blow him quickly and go to bed. You compromise on what movie you’re going to rent. You do NOT compromise on intimacy.”
I almost drove off the road his words hit me so hard.
“I don’t care who you are with,” he said. “You can’t compromise on your core beliefs that make up who you are. When you do that you just end up falling short, feeling resentful, and…”
“Making bad decisions,” I concluded.
“Like cheating on your boyfriend,” Dillon finished. His tone softened. “Look, you fucked up. Tell him and get it past you. If he dumps you, then it’s over and you can move on. If he forgives you then you both move on. Either way you’ll be living in the present and not fretting about the past or future.”
I nodded my head, even though he couldn’t see me. This time I began to cry and I didn’t know why. I guess I felt a bit of release.
“Besides,” Dillon finished, “we’re gay. We’ve had to compromise on who we are—our core—for half our lives. Aren’t you sick of doing that?”
I sniffled. “You’re right. Okay, thank you.”
Oh fuck. I had already arrived at the airport.
“Oh look sugar,” I said trying to sound more pulled together, “I’m here at the airport.”
“Well, alright,” Dillon said. “Pull yourself together before you go in there, and be easy on yourself and him.”
I sat in my car for five minutes before mustering up the courage to get out and walk towards the terminal. The automatic doors dramatically flung open as if announcing my arrival. I felt as if people were watching me—the damaged cheater. Of course no one even noticed me; this is LAX for God’s sake.
I looked at the arrivals. His flight had just landed and was taxing to the gate.
I had decided. I was going to tell him. In fact, I was going to tell him right there at the airport. It felt like a cancer that I wanted out of me. Dillon was right; I wanted intimacy with Peter. I wanted him to know all of me and this was my moment to make that right. I waited imagining what he would say. Hoping that our conversation wouldn’t be an ending, but rather a beginning…
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A California boy with a Southern heart, Steve Prince finds himself in so many sexual positions it can make your head spin. Thankfully for us he’s willing to share it all…no matter how sordid it gets. Quick to admit when he fucks up, Steve still laughs it all off, and hopes you will too. Also, it should also be noted he is gayer than glitter.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet
What If…
Just Beat It
Intimate Portrait
Intimate Portrait (Part Deux)
Intimate Portrait (Part Trois)
State of Mind
The Age of Disbelief
A Man For All Seasons
Summer Lovin’
A-Men
The Urge
Gettin’ It Done
Here You Cum Again
Eye Of The Beholder
The Present
A Minute’s Pause
Brotherly Love
Ladies Who Lunch
Here Cums The Rain Again
Dinner For Two
Blow by Blow
Commando
Cum As You Are?
Aftershock!
Caught in the Act
The Great Compromise
The Tipping Point
Cross Country
In Stereo
Get Smart
Blind Faith
The Dirty Mexican
A Few Good Men
Peter’s End
Getting Stuffed
The Good Boy
Cracking Up
The Agreement
Fuck Road
A New Resolve
Pre-cumming
Send My Regrets