QColumn: A Gay In The Life: Send My Regrets

Give My Regrets
By Steve Prince
Their faces stared at me in silence.
Finally, Cody broke it. “Steve, I’m sorry you feel so messed up right now.”
Ha. “Messed up” didn’t even seem like the right phrase.
I had cheated.
I’ve never done that before. Ever. In fact, I always find myself looking down on people who do cheat. How could they break that commitment? How could they be so selfish? How could they look at their relationship and just throw it away in an hour of sex? It seemed so selfish. I seem so selfish.
I looked down at my half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich, which I had ordered to help my hangover that morning, yet I felt unable to eat any of it. I mistook the rumbling in the pit of my stomach as a result of drinking the night before, but no—it the guilt from waking up with Seth—a total stranger I practically forced myself upon.
Troy’s face looked the most upset. I felt most worried to tell him. Hell, I felt worried to tell them all, especially all at once. Troy, Alex, Omar, and Cody are my best friends, and here at dinner I had told them one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. It made me feel so vulnerable, as if I’d been turned inside out—raw for people to see. What would they think of me?
Troy sighed. “Where were you?” he said looking accusingly at Cody.
I could immediately tell where he was going.

“This isn’t Cody’s fault,” I said in a low gravel. “It’s mine. There was no stopping me last night. I was in a mood and I was hurt. I…I…I don’t know.”
Cody nodded his head in agreement. “Steve, I’ve never seen you like that. And I’m not judging,” he said graciously while holding his hand to his chest. “Also, I wasn’t sure if you and Peter had broken up. When I asked you about him, you avoided answering. If I had known I would have tried to reason with you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, “I would have done it no matter what.”
There was a pause.
“I would never have thought you to be a cheater,” Troy said. The word stung as if he had spat in my face. The others seemed to have a similar reaction. I expected this. Troy has been cheated on twice, so he has a right to be defensive about it.
“Well,” Alex interjected, “I don’t know if Steve is a cheater. A cheater and someone who made a mistake are two totally different things.”
“No they’re not!” Troy exclaimed, his head moving back and forth. “If you cheat, you cheat. It’s like being pregnant. You either are or you aren’t. There’s no in between.”
“No, I disagree,” Alex said getting defensive. He’s always so protective of his friends. “Have you not been listening to Steve for the past two months? He’s not happy. He’s trying to live a life with a boyfriend who doesn’t want to be a boyfriend. So Steve made a mistake. So has Peter. What’s the difference?”
“The difference is Steve—”
“Hello,” I said looking at them both, “I’m sitting right here. Would you mind not picking me apart in front of my face?”
“I could give a rat’s ass about cheating,” Omar said bluntly. “What I want to know is do you love him?”
“What do you mean?” Troy asked.
Omar pointed to me. “Let Steve answer the question.” He turned towards me and folded his arms. He leaned in over the table. “Do you love him?”
It took me a moment and it scared me that I had to think about it. “Love” is such a loaded word. I feel like I’ve been told when I know I’m in love, I’ll know it in an instant and I’ll never waiver from it. Bullshit. Love is complex and evolves, changes, regresses into so many other emotions. But I thought about Peter’s voice, his hands, his kiss. The way I feel just when we talk.
“I do love him,” I said feeling the power of what I said.
Omar continued. “Do you plan on cheating on him again?”
“No,” I said with certainty.
Omar leaned back has if a crisis had been averted. “Then there’s nothing to tell,” he announced to the table. “So you’ve both been screwing up, but you love one another. Just start fresh and be the change you want.”
“Wait wait wait!” Alex said raising his hand, “You have to tell him the truth, Steve. Relationships survive on honesty. Love is secondary. Communication is the most important part of a relationship. If you can’t be honest with him, then what’s the point?”
“I agree,” said Troy nodding his head.
“I do agree that communication is important,” Cody said entering the fray, “but maybe not right now. I think if you really want to keep Peter in your life, you need to build a bit more of the foundation before you throw in this wrecking ball. Maybe tell him in a couple of months, when you’ve both had some history. Also, if he just came out to his family, then he’s dealing with a lot.”
“Exactly,” said Omar, “he’s going to need your support. If you tell him this now it could wreck him and then who is he going to talk to?”
“Yep,” Cody said, “I have a question. Are you debating telling Peter you cheated because you feel like he should know or because you can’t handling keeping this to yourself?”
His words seem to cut through me. Was it worth telling him? Could I live with keeping this secret to myself? Perhaps it was more selfish for me to tell him, instead of just being a support to Peter right now.
“Do y’all think I’m a bad person?” I said, tears willing up in my eyes.
A collective “Noooooo,” issued from all them, while four pairs of hands and arms reached across the table to pat my back or my hand.
“Look,” Troy said, “good people make bad mistakes. Those guys that cheated on me weren’t bad guys. Yeah, they fucked up and pissed me off. But they weren’t terrible people.”
“Remember,” Alex said, “you have to talk to us.” He pointed to my chest. “You’ve been keeping all this in there, but you think we don’t know what’s going on?”
Omar smiled, “What do you think we talk about when you’re not here? You.”
I smiled.
“Oh boy do we,” said Troy. “So can you hurry up and figure this out because I want to get back to talking about me like we normally do.”
We all laughed.
Two hours later, I came home to any empty house. 48 hours. Peter would be here in 48 hours. What was I going to say? Was I going to tell him or keep this horrible secret to myself? I had no clue.
But what I did know is that I have four of the best friends in the whole fucking universe. I will get through this. If not for me, for them.
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A California boy with a Southern heart, Steve Prince finds himself in so many sexual positions it can make your head spin. Thankfully for us he’s willing to share it all…no matter how sordid it gets. Quick to admit when he fucks up, Steve still laughs it all off, and hopes you will too. Also, it should also be noted he is gayer than glitter.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet
What If…
Just Beat It
Intimate Portrait
Intimate Portrait (Part Deux)
Intimate Portrait (Part Trois)
State of Mind
The Age of Disbelief
A Man For All Seasons
Summer Lovin’
A-Men
The Urge
Gettin’ It Done
Here You Cum Again
Eye Of The Beholder
The Present
A Minute’s Pause
Brotherly Love
Ladies Who Lunch
Here Cums The Rain Again
Dinner For Two
Blow by Blow
Commando
Cum As You Are?
Aftershock!
Caught in the Act
The Great Compromise
The Tipping Point
Cross Country
In Stereo
Get Smart
Blind Faith
The Dirty Mexican
A Few Good Men
Peter’s End
Getting Stuffed
The Good Boy
Cracking Up
The Agreement
Fuck Road
A New Resolve
Pre-cumming