QColumn: A Gay In The Life: Livin’ On A Prayer

Livin’ On A Prayer
By Steve Prince
I sat across from them, watching their faces morph from confusion, to anger, then sympathy, and finally disbelief.
“Steve,” Omar began, “I’m… uh… I don’t know what to say.”
I had given them all the letter Peter had written me that morning. I knew that Omar, Cody, Alex, and Troy were planning on having dinner because they’d invited me. I initially declined because I thought I was going to be spending time with my boyfriend (or I guess I should say ex-boyfriend). But he wasn’t coming back.
“I’m so sorry, Stevie,” Alex said. “Peter doesn’t realize what a great guy he’s losing.” I smiled politely. Alex is always the optimist, but right now I didn’t feel like building myself up. I didn’t know how I felt, but I knew I didn’t need that.
“Are you still in shock?” Cody asked, as if reading my mind.
I nodded.
Troy placed his hand on my back. “I wouldn’t know what the hell to do.”
Omar’s mouth was still agape. The sound of bumping plates tinkled to my left. People crowded the restaurant because it was too cold to eat outside; therefore patrons packed the indoors. The freakishly cold weather had arrived with my sadness.
“Really?” Omar sighed, as if asking for clarity. “Peter really did this for his religion?” He scanned our faces to see if we agreed. “I believe you Steve, but I don’t know about Peter. This just sounds so made-up. Does this really happen in real life? I don’t know… it’s just so dramatic.” His tone became tentative. “Now, I don’t mean to offend you, but do you think there’s another reason he wanted to end it? Maybe he just couldn’t tell you, so he’s hiding behind religion.”

I could tell Alex, Cody, and Troy had strong answers to Omar’s question, but still they let me speak first.
“I don’t take offense to that at all,” I said, truthfully. “But you’re right; Peter is hiding behind his religion, and I think that’s the real reason he broke up with me.”
Troy chimed in first.
“You grew up in Southern California, right?” he asked. Omar nodded.
“Well,” Troy continued, “Things are very different in Oklahoma then in California. Religion is a part of that culture.”
“But still,” Omar said doubtfully. “Isn’t this extreme?”
Troy’s face became serious as he leaned in. “Omar, my aunt sent my lesbian cousin to a reparative therapy.”
“What’s that?” Omar asked.
“Well it’s called,” Troy raised his hands in quotes, “‘Repair’ therapy because they teach you how to ‘repair’ yourself from homosexuality. Basically they believe your faith in God can ‘cure’ you of being gay. Didn’t work. She’s still a bouncer at bar in San Francisco. She could crush me with her pinky.”
“Omar,” Alex said, “you and I are both Latino. How many people do we know that are so very Catholic? My Mom’s sister probably still prays for me every day.”
This seemed to register with Omar.
“Religion is more than just a faith where I’m from,” I said. “It’s everything to a lot of people. That’s how they make their friends, meet their lovers, and where they get support. I mean, I can understand why Peter is so scared to walk away from all that.”
Cody took a drink of his beer and lightly smacked his lips. “Oh, I was horribly religious,” he said.
Our heads turned towards him in a collective, “What?”
“You?” Troy said. “You’re the sluttiest one out of all of us!”
We all laughed, including Cody.
“Girl,” he said, “I was the good little choir boy. I was oppressed so now I’m getting it all out.” He shimmed his shoulders as we laughed.
“How were you able to get up and go-go dance in front of everyone?” Omar asked.
Cody smiled proudly. “It was really hard at first, but that’s why I did it. I made myself get up there and dance.” He sighed thoughtfully. “I think I felt so bad about being gay and sexual for so long that finally I was just like ‘Fuck this!’ I thought about what it was giving me to listen to all that bullshit and I realized that sin and all that stuff was serving no positive purpose in my life.”
We all stared at him blankly. As if reading our minds Cody smiled, and added “Oh and I’ve had a LOT of therapy. Thank God!”
We laughed again.
“Well,” Troy said leaning back in his chair and flattening his hands on the table, “I think he’s an asshole and personally, I’m glad you’re rid of him. And honestly, now you’re off the hook. You don’t have to tell him you cheated. Karma actually.”
“Wait, do you mean because I cheated this happened?” I asked feeling myself get defensive. Whether it was true or not, the last thing I wanted right now was a “told you so” comment from a friend.
“No no no,” Troy said, leaning forward. His mouth crooked to one side and he batted his long eyelashes thoughtfully. “What I mean is ‘karma’ in a good way. You didn’t have to go through the pain of telling him the truth. If you had, you would have gone through all of that just for him to do this.”
“Actually, I know it sounds silly, but I’m pissed because I wanted to tell him,” I said. Troy and Omar cocked their heads like confused puppies. “Cheating’s not the thing I do. I’ve never done that before and I hope I never do it again. I hate that once again, Peter comes first. He got his needs met and I’m still sitting here feeling like shit. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean I still don’t feel bad. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone and I wish I’d never done it.”
“Okay,” Cody said, “let me stop you right there. First of all, I can go get you some boxing gloves if you really want to beat yourself up.” He looked at me and smiled. “I think this is way worse. Yes, cheating is a crappy thing to do, but now Peter’s trying to put his own issues on you.” Cody pointed to the letter. “All that shit in there about how if you decide to come to the light side and all that shit, how he’ll be there to guide you. That’s insulting. You just fucked another guy, yet Peter’s trying to tell you that you are fucked up. It’s two totally different things.”
The rest of the boys nodded their heads in approval. I felt my body relax; I guess I needed to hear that.
“I honestly think he’s a little crazy,” Omar said. He began to backtrack, “Yes, I’m not from Oklahoma and I’m not super religious. Still, this is messed up.”
“Maybe he’ll come back to you,” Alex said.
“What?” Troy said.
Alex eyed us with a sidelong glance, realizing he was proposing something foreign to the rest of us.
“A lot of religions are fine with homosexuality,” Alex said. “Who knows? When I was a Catholic I would have never thought I could ever be religious again. But I love being Episcopalian now. Maybe Peter will find that.” He paused. “And maybe he’ll realize what he’s missing and want you back.”
“I dunno,” I said flatly. “Not to be a Debbie Downer, but Peter was raised strict Church of Christ. That shit is hardcore.”
“But he may be the love of your life,” Alex said.
Once he said it, regret flooded Alex’s face as the other boys looked at him disapprovingly.
“No, Jesus is the love his life,” I quipped, feeling myself flashing with anger. “For all I care Peter can go fuck him and live a happy life. And telling your best friend that the guy who just broke up with him is the love of his life is not the best thing to say.” Even repeating Alex’s words “love of my life” made my stomach churn. “Dammit.”
Alex put his hand up in protest. “Steve, I’m sorry.”
I interrupted him. “I’m not mad at you, and I appreciate the support. It’s just… Well, this whole thing isn’t fair,” I griped. “For the first time, in a LONG time I actually-for some reason-have a boyfriend. And not only is my boyfriend this beautiful man that I love, he’s been my one of best friends for over ten years. Sounds like a fucking story book.”
Cody put his hand on my arm. “Steve-”
I pulled my arm away. I could feel my face flush, the anger quickly manifesting into rage.
“I do the right thing and be patient. ‘Wait for him Steve. Give him time Steve,'” I sighed trying to shake the anger from my voice, but it had taken hold. “I did all that. And I still lost him to fucking religion shit. So now, after my whole fucking life of feeling like a sinner who’s going to hell because I like dick, I finally make peace with my fucking self only to have the all that moralistic bullshit take away the first guy I’ve ever loved…this much,” I stopped. Feeling the angry had flashed its hottest, sadness now choked my words. Hot tears welled in my eyes.
“It’s okay Steve,” Troy said, “let it out.”
“No,” I said standing up, “I’m not crying over this fucker. I’ve cried to God enough. I’m done.” I gathered my stuff and looked at the boys. I began to explain myself, “I didn’t mean it that way…I…I’m sorry. I just…I can’t right now.”
In a flair of dramatics, I strutted to the restaurant entrance to make my exit. As angry as I was, I still couldn’t help but feel the spirit of Joan Crawford had somehow possessed me. It was a fucking walk out I tell you. I could feel peoples’ eyes on me as I approached the door. I placed my hand on the door and with a shove forced it open. Nothing says a dramatic walk out like a swinging door.
“Ouuuch!”
It took me a second to realize what had happened. As I walked out the door I looked to my right and saw a man with his hands over his nose.
Well shit the bed. I had just bitch slapped some poor guy in the face with that mother fucking door. God dammit! I can’t even be pissed right.
The guy rose up and looked at me. He was gorgeous, except for the trickle of blood running from his nose.
“I’m so sorry,” I said approaching him with my hands up.
The man gave me the weirdest look and then, oddly enough, he smiled.
“Steve,” he said. “Steve Prince. It’s really you.”
Somehow I don’t this would have happened to Joan Crawford.
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A California boy with a Southern heart, Steve Prince finds himself in so many sexual positions it can make your head spin. Thankfully for us he’s willing to share it all…no matter how sordid it gets. Quick to admit when he fucks up, Steve still laughs it all off, and hopes you will too. Also, it should also be noted he is gayer than glitter.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds and The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears—Oh My!
Going Public
Christmas in July
Luck Be A Lady Tonight
I Left My Heart In Oklahoma
As Luck Would Have It
Shock & Awe
Blame It On Britney
The Unending Journey
Makin’ Copies
Bullets and Bracelets… and Lube
To Tell The Truth…
Stars Aren’t Blind
The Dark Knight
Come As You Are
A Date?
A Happy Ending
Better Than Nothing
A Man With A Slow Hand
Taking The Long Way
Everybody Knows
Wake Me Up, Before Ya Go-Go
Definition
The Best
The Upper Hand
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
2000-Date
Dick The Halls
The Queer Dear
A Night At The Museum
A Conversation
I’m Just A Girl Who Can’t Say No
Change The Way You Feel
Kissing A Fool
Leo The Lamb
The Elephant In The Room
Zuckerman’s Famous Pig
A Birthday Surprise
The Sleepover-er
SP Phone Home
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Closet
What If…
Just Beat It
Intimate Portrait
Intimate Portrait (Part Deux)
Intimate Portrait (Part Trois)
State of Mind
The Age of Disbelief
A Man For All Seasons
Summer Lovin’
A-Men
The Urge
Gettin’ It Done
Here You Cum Again
Eye Of The Beholder
The Present
A Minute’s Pause
Brotherly Love
Ladies Who Lunch
Here Cums The Rain Again
Dinner For Two
Blow by Blow
Commando
Cum As You Are?
Aftershock!
Caught in the Act
The Great Compromise
The Tipping Point
Cross Country
In Stereo
Get Smart
Blind Faith
The Dirty Mexican
A Few Good Men
Peter’s End
Getting Stuffed
The Good Boy
Cracking Up
The Agreement
Fuck Road
A New Resolve
Pre-cumming
Send My Regrets
On A Jet Plane
For The Love of God